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Work and Germany; Benedictines and Buddhists: Attitude
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 673650" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This is from another thread. I wanted to address here Tanya''s beautiful words.</p><p></p><p>In my post above I reacted rather than responded to the exchange between Cedar and Going North about yearning for what we do not have in our children and ourselves...and accepting what we may never have. Either angrily or gracefully. </p><p></p><p>I am still stuck in a sense of betrayal. Of not enough. Of let down. Of blame, even. I am at the point where I am not so much blaming myself but I am blaming my son. I see him as having choice, where he sees none. For this, I hold him responsible. I am angry that he does not choose differently for himself and for me. </p><p></p><p>That I know there could be real reasons that he cannot or does not or will not see a range of possibility matters to me not at all. I do not care. I persist in holding him responsible. Because I cannot bear the options. </p><p></p><p>He treats me poorly. He does not really see me as a separate person with rights, feelings, wants or needs. He shows me not at all that he sees or feels how I suffer. He shows that he cares, very little.</p><p></p><p>I know he both loves me and needs me. I know that I am the only person in the world who he feels he really has. In that, I am everything to him. I know this. </p><p></p><p>Perhaps this is key: Although he does not act like a man, he is. I can imagine how much of an impediment to emancipating is the feeling of overarching love and need of a mother. When you are 27.</p><p></p><p>So, if I look at it this way, I can see why he treats me so. </p><p></p><p>But the thing is, this train is stuck on the track. There has to be some movement. </p><p>And my son persists insisting that he is completely blocked. </p><p></p><p>Tanya chooses peace. Love. Gratitude. </p><p></p><p>I do too. But not for this. </p><p></p><p>By her choice, I see her letting her child go...in our own mind...accepting what is without finding fault, blame or responsibility. Letting the solution be the responsibility of the universe, her higher power, or her child. But not operating with the illusion that anything in our own mentality can effect one thing outside of ourselves.</p><p></p><p></p><p>That my holding onto blame or anger does not make it one bit more likely that my son will change or improve or mature. That I insist he can take responsibility does not do one thing to make it so. </p><p></p><p>If I give in and say, it is not your fault, son. You work it out Take responsibility or not. Change or do not. Live as you will. And let the emotion of it go. Breathe in. Breathe out. </p><p></p><p>Deal with him only when he calls. Or I do. Make choices based upon my own welfare and convenience and feelings. No obligation except to tell the truth about why and how and when. </p><p></p><p>I ask myself how this feels. It feels shitty. </p><p></p><p>Where does all the love go? </p><p></p><p>Thinking and ruminating and holding and giving responsibility seems to be the only way I can hold and feel my love for him now when everything else seems unsafe. Is unsafe.</p><p></p><p>It is like giving a party and nobody came.</p><p></p><p>I am wondering if this is what you are feeling Cedar. As if you got stood up by the guests of honor. Well, I did too.</p><p></p><p>How do we fill the void? My heart got so big loving my son....M occupies a different chamber. Even self love can only go so far. </p><p></p><p>I threw a party and my guest of honor stood me up. And I do not know how to get over it.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 673650, member: 18958"] This is from another thread. I wanted to address here Tanya''s beautiful words. In my post above I reacted rather than responded to the exchange between Cedar and Going North about yearning for what we do not have in our children and ourselves...and accepting what we may never have. Either angrily or gracefully. I am still stuck in a sense of betrayal. Of not enough. Of let down. Of blame, even. I am at the point where I am not so much blaming myself but I am blaming my son. I see him as having choice, where he sees none. For this, I hold him responsible. I am angry that he does not choose differently for himself and for me. That I know there could be real reasons that he cannot or does not or will not see a range of possibility matters to me not at all. I do not care. I persist in holding him responsible. Because I cannot bear the options. He treats me poorly. He does not really see me as a separate person with rights, feelings, wants or needs. He shows me not at all that he sees or feels how I suffer. He shows that he cares, very little. I know he both loves me and needs me. I know that I am the only person in the world who he feels he really has. In that, I am everything to him. I know this. Perhaps this is key: Although he does not act like a man, he is. I can imagine how much of an impediment to emancipating is the feeling of overarching love and need of a mother. When you are 27. So, if I look at it this way, I can see why he treats me so. But the thing is, this train is stuck on the track. There has to be some movement. And my son persists insisting that he is completely blocked. Tanya chooses peace. Love. Gratitude. I do too. But not for this. By her choice, I see her letting her child go...in our own mind...accepting what is without finding fault, blame or responsibility. Letting the solution be the responsibility of the universe, her higher power, or her child. But not operating with the illusion that anything in our own mentality can effect one thing outside of ourselves. That my holding onto blame or anger does not make it one bit more likely that my son will change or improve or mature. That I insist he can take responsibility does not do one thing to make it so. If I give in and say, it is not your fault, son. You work it out Take responsibility or not. Change or do not. Live as you will. And let the emotion of it go. Breathe in. Breathe out. Deal with him only when he calls. Or I do. Make choices based upon my own welfare and convenience and feelings. No obligation except to tell the truth about why and how and when. I ask myself how this feels. It feels shitty. Where does all the love go? Thinking and ruminating and holding and giving responsibility seems to be the only way I can hold and feel my love for him now when everything else seems unsafe. Is unsafe. It is like giving a party and nobody came. I am wondering if this is what you are feeling Cedar. As if you got stood up by the guests of honor. Well, I did too. How do we fill the void? My heart got so big loving my son....M occupies a different chamber. Even self love can only go so far. I threw a party and my guest of honor stood me up. And I do not know how to get over it. COPA [/QUOTE]
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