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Family of Origin
Work and Germany Part II: Abandonment Recovery
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 674212" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Could it be that without the loss, the people (as is happening with each of us too, maybe) would never have discovered their unique value? And all of it is part of what it is to be human or maybe, just to be alive at all. Struggling with ourselves, in the dark.</p><p></p><p>All of us.</p><p></p><p>For the Jewish people, for our difficult child kids, for the Hawaiian people and the Japanese people and the Native Americans and for all of us, and for the white people like me, too. But we keep slipping into angry or entitled and wear fur and enjoy the sparkle of diamonds against our skins.</p><p></p><p>We like to define what it is to be human as "us", when to be human is all of us, though we can only see just a little of who we are. And then, we might get it finally that it isn't only all about the humans.</p><p></p><p>Finally.</p><p></p><p>But this is all one too many for me. I lost myself in the kaliedoscope of it, again.</p><p></p><p>All we can do then is see the colors.</p><p></p><p>Maybe, that is what they mean when they talk about the Fool on the Hill.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Maybe your buying was to recreate yourself as someone else, Copa. When you became that other person, you would look and feel and speak in a way you judged as better than the current way.</p><p></p><p>I think I do that very much. Or take my value from my appearance. (Which: Unfortunately, I am ugly today.)</p><p></p><p>roar</p><p></p><p>Maybe now, you are (like I seem to be too, but it's almost impossible) learning to incorporate everyone you might be, and become who you are. Well, that's not it. It has something to do with incorporating past and present selves. With that dynamic we have of now being not enough, and incorporating our better, future, more perfect selves to soothe the broken self of the present. Whom our abusers taught us was forever imperfect, was forever not ever going to be something that was not poison and poisoned, which is the name of the cycle between our abusers and ourselves.</p><p></p><p>It is like when Serenity used to write us about the hot potato.</p><p></p><p>It has that sparkly kind of feel to it.</p><p></p><p>That's why I can't see anything, maybe.</p><p></p><p>So I just have to stand there, and not know what to make of any of it.</p><p></p><p>I like what I said about incorporating past and future selves. I think that matters as a piece of what is happening to us now as we forego incorporating a perfect future self. We are learning (defiantly) to be who we are without those perfect future selves we might become to help us sustain ourselves in the faces we see as ourselves, now.</p><p></p><p>So, that's pretty courageous of us.</p><p></p><p>Surely, we cannot be as imperfect as this time feels.</p><p></p><p>Maybe, this is the beginning of naked; of having nothing to protect.</p><p></p><p>I always thought it would feel better than this.</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>"<em>You must bring your sketch pad and draw for me my horses that I love as you see them. Because you matter to me like my horses do because of the love I feel for you, and for them, too. And I wish to share that with you, to open within us both a space for sisters of the heart."</em></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>The statement will change so beautifully as you write it, as you heal, Leafy. This is your a part of your path.</p><p></p><p>A miracle for you, for when you are ready.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You know, I was thinking about this alot yesterday, Leafy. I think where we are going as we change is not chosen so much as recovering our lands that were ours to begin with and finding them beautiful and creating, there, something that never was.</p><p></p><p>Because we have lived our successful lives without most of ourselves. Coming into possession of ourselves now (if that turns out to be what we are doing and I am on that Fool on the Hill place today and can see nothing whatsoever) will cause our bounty and good fortune to overflow. Our cup will runneth over so to speak, but we will have been humbled by the pain in real as we cast our roles aside and just sit there like IZ being who we are.</p><p></p><p>Not even beautiful, but just ourselves and so, beautiful after all.</p><p></p><p>But I don't know so much about this part, yet.</p><p></p><p>Still on the path, so that's good. I think the path is going to be more difficult than we know. We've only just gotten started, and what is my solution?</p><p></p><p>To drink coffee in bed.</p><p></p><p>For heaven's sake.</p><p></p><p>Since that is all I know to do? That is what I will do.</p><p></p><p>But I'm just saying.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 674212, member: 17461"] Could it be that without the loss, the people (as is happening with each of us too, maybe) would never have discovered their unique value? And all of it is part of what it is to be human or maybe, just to be alive at all. Struggling with ourselves, in the dark. All of us. For the Jewish people, for our difficult child kids, for the Hawaiian people and the Japanese people and the Native Americans and for all of us, and for the white people like me, too. But we keep slipping into angry or entitled and wear fur and enjoy the sparkle of diamonds against our skins. We like to define what it is to be human as "us", when to be human is all of us, though we can only see just a little of who we are. And then, we might get it finally that it isn't only all about the humans. Finally. But this is all one too many for me. I lost myself in the kaliedoscope of it, again. All we can do then is see the colors. Maybe, that is what they mean when they talk about the Fool on the Hill. Maybe your buying was to recreate yourself as someone else, Copa. When you became that other person, you would look and feel and speak in a way you judged as better than the current way. I think I do that very much. Or take my value from my appearance. (Which: Unfortunately, I am ugly today.) roar Maybe now, you are (like I seem to be too, but it's almost impossible) learning to incorporate everyone you might be, and become who you are. Well, that's not it. It has something to do with incorporating past and present selves. With that dynamic we have of now being not enough, and incorporating our better, future, more perfect selves to soothe the broken self of the present. Whom our abusers taught us was forever imperfect, was forever not ever going to be something that was not poison and poisoned, which is the name of the cycle between our abusers and ourselves. It is like when Serenity used to write us about the hot potato. It has that sparkly kind of feel to it. That's why I can't see anything, maybe. So I just have to stand there, and not know what to make of any of it. I like what I said about incorporating past and future selves. I think that matters as a piece of what is happening to us now as we forego incorporating a perfect future self. We are learning (defiantly) to be who we are without those perfect future selves we might become to help us sustain ourselves in the faces we see as ourselves, now. So, that's pretty courageous of us. Surely, we cannot be as imperfect as this time feels. Maybe, this is the beginning of naked; of having nothing to protect. I always thought it would feel better than this. Huh. "[I]You must bring your sketch pad and draw for me my horses that I love as you see them. Because you matter to me like my horses do because of the love I feel for you, and for them, too. And I wish to share that with you, to open within us both a space for sisters of the heart."[/I] The statement will change so beautifully as you write it, as you heal, Leafy. This is your a part of your path. A miracle for you, for when you are ready. You know, I was thinking about this alot yesterday, Leafy. I think where we are going as we change is not chosen so much as recovering our lands that were ours to begin with and finding them beautiful and creating, there, something that never was. Because we have lived our successful lives without most of ourselves. Coming into possession of ourselves now (if that turns out to be what we are doing and I am on that Fool on the Hill place today and can see nothing whatsoever) will cause our bounty and good fortune to overflow. Our cup will runneth over so to speak, but we will have been humbled by the pain in real as we cast our roles aside and just sit there like IZ being who we are. Not even beautiful, but just ourselves and so, beautiful after all. But I don't know so much about this part, yet. Still on the path, so that's good. I think the path is going to be more difficult than we know. We've only just gotten started, and what is my solution? To drink coffee in bed. For heaven's sake. Since that is all I know to do? That is what I will do. But I'm just saying. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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