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Would Like Some Support - Trying Not to Get Sucked In . . .
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<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 714313" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p>Hello Seek,</p><p>I am following along. I only have a few minutes as I will soon be on a flight. But I wanted to throw out a couple of things that I continually try to keep in mind. By nature, I am of the like kind as you …. You said “<strong><em>My pattern is to notice things, then worry, then try to educate him. … thinking I know best, etc." </em></strong> I’m guessing you are around my age, as I also have a grandson in his 20s.</p><p></p><p>There are certainly situations in life where it is right and appropriate for us to “help and fix”. I regularly sew on missing buttons and replace a broken zippers in my family’s clothing. I mop up spilled milk and wipe baby butts when needed, and drive a friend to the airport... BUT our job in the kinds of situations on these forums, with our difficult children’s kinds of problems, is <strong>NOT to “help”</strong> and <strong>NOT to “fix”</strong> them or their problems. <strong>In these situations with these difficult children, when you <em>help</em>, you see their life as weak. When you <em>fix</em>, you see their life as broken.</strong> <em>(And the difficult children innately feel it, and it often just makes it worse.) </em></p><p></p><p>I have come to see in my life over many decades that one never knows what is best or right for another, and one never knows the eternal scheme and plan for another, or even for ourselves. We grow and learn new wisdoms each day. We are surely learning new wisdom from our difficult children every day.</p><p></p><p>We might think that a little worry and anxiety is an indication of how wise (or righteous) we are. But in actuality, all <em>our fretting springs from a determination to want it to be our way, to want it to be in our control. </em> You cannot fix and help in these situations. Practice letting go. There is no action you need take. It is hard to watch and do nothing. But right now, <em>there is nothing you need to do</em>.</p><p></p><p>If you have not already read the article on “Detachment” in the Parents Emeritus (PE) forum, I suggest you read and re-read it. Here is the link > <a href="https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/" target="_blank">Article on Detachment</a></p><p></p><p>Continue to read the threads in this forum and the PE forum, which expound great truths and wisdom from others in learning to lovingly detach, and learning to take care of yourself. You are right, it is not an easy thing to do, but by reading here on the other threads daily and gathering strength and support from others who understand, it will help you get through day by day, and it will become easier.</p><p></p><p>You said “<em>I need to break that pattern and trust that all will work out and that he will learn his lessons in time</em>. “ Yes you do need to break the pattern, and your willingness and desire indicates that you will . As far as trusting that he will learn lessons, trust only that he will work out his life the way he wants to and he will learn his own lessons. (not your lessons) -- Your trusting for him to learn lessons does not mean he will learn the lessons that you think he should learn or that he will learn what you would want him to learn and act on. And some of these difficult children need to keep repeating the same old lessons over and over and over, without learning anything it seems. And still, there is nothing for us to help and fix about it. It is heartbreaking to watch, but we learn to stay detached and we keep some peace.</p><p></p><p>Your own peace and freedom will depend on your release of any expectations you have for him and your acceptance of the person he is and of what he does, no matter if it’s what you like or not. You can support him best through your loving detachment. That does not mean turning your back on him, but rather setting him free and giving him wings to be who he will be.</p><p></p><p>Stay with us here, and keep posting. It helps. You are not alone. We so understand. Take heart and know<em> you are going to be alright</em>. Gotta go. Take care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 714313, member: 19617"] Hello Seek, I am following along. I only have a few minutes as I will soon be on a flight. But I wanted to throw out a couple of things that I continually try to keep in mind. By nature, I am of the like kind as you …. You said “[B][I]My pattern is to notice things, then worry, then try to educate him. … thinking I know best, etc." [/I][/B] I’m guessing you are around my age, as I also have a grandson in his 20s. There are certainly situations in life where it is right and appropriate for us to “help and fix”. I regularly sew on missing buttons and replace a broken zippers in my family’s clothing. I mop up spilled milk and wipe baby butts when needed, and drive a friend to the airport... BUT our job in the kinds of situations on these forums, with our difficult children’s kinds of problems, is [B]NOT to “help”[/B] and [B]NOT to “fix”[/B] them or their problems. [B]In these situations with these difficult children, when you [I]help[/I], you see their life as weak. When you [I]fix[/I], you see their life as broken.[/B] [I](And the difficult children innately feel it, and it often just makes it worse.) [/I] I have come to see in my life over many decades that one never knows what is best or right for another, and one never knows the eternal scheme and plan for another, or even for ourselves. We grow and learn new wisdoms each day. We are surely learning new wisdom from our difficult children every day. We might think that a little worry and anxiety is an indication of how wise (or righteous) we are. But in actuality, all [I]our fretting springs from a determination to want it to be our way, to want it to be in our control. [/I] You cannot fix and help in these situations. Practice letting go. There is no action you need take. It is hard to watch and do nothing. But right now, [I]there is nothing you need to do[/I]. If you have not already read the article on “Detachment” in the Parents Emeritus (PE) forum, I suggest you read and re-read it. Here is the link > [URL='https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/']Article on Detachment[/URL] Continue to read the threads in this forum and the PE forum, which expound great truths and wisdom from others in learning to lovingly detach, and learning to take care of yourself. You are right, it is not an easy thing to do, but by reading here on the other threads daily and gathering strength and support from others who understand, it will help you get through day by day, and it will become easier. You said “[I]I need to break that pattern and trust that all will work out and that he will learn his lessons in time[/I]. “ Yes you do need to break the pattern, and your willingness and desire indicates that you will . As far as trusting that he will learn lessons, trust only that he will work out his life the way he wants to and he will learn his own lessons. (not your lessons) -- Your trusting for him to learn lessons does not mean he will learn the lessons that you think he should learn or that he will learn what you would want him to learn and act on. And some of these difficult children need to keep repeating the same old lessons over and over and over, without learning anything it seems. And still, there is nothing for us to help and fix about it. It is heartbreaking to watch, but we learn to stay detached and we keep some peace. Your own peace and freedom will depend on your release of any expectations you have for him and your acceptance of the person he is and of what he does, no matter if it’s what you like or not. You can support him best through your loving detachment. That does not mean turning your back on him, but rather setting him free and giving him wings to be who he will be. Stay with us here, and keep posting. It helps. You are not alone. We so understand. Take heart and know[I] you are going to be alright[/I]. Gotta go. Take care. [/QUOTE]
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