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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 640095" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>She does feel badly about hurting you, GuideMe. I believe that. But, just lately...I am wondering whether our difficult child children actually do feel badly about hurting us or not. I can see the wrongness in what other sons call their moms and so, I can see the wrongness in what my son says to me. What I cannot see? Is how he got to that place.</p><p></p><p>That part, I don't understand.</p><p></p><p>It's a scary little darkness for me, still.</p><p></p><p>I don't suppose I want to know that part.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Regarding your daughter not blaming you for whatever it was that was not perfect when she was little, GuideMe. </p><p></p><p>Two things:</p><p></p><p>Brene Brown, who researches shame, writes that we humans are hard wired for challenge. <em>Hard wired.</em> There is no one who has not been challenged. It is just that whatever it is we don't have enough of ourselves, we think if only we had that, life would be perfect. In reality, each of us, every single one of us, is carrying more pain, more confusion or guilt of shame than she (or he) can.</p><p></p><p>But we do it, anyway.</p><p></p><p>In this, we are amazing.</p><p></p><p>Just lately, as I am figuring things out in a different way than I have been able to before, it seems to me that my children, and your child too, are using the ways we wished we'd been better, or are using the things we could not provide and feel badly for because we wanted life to be better <em>for them</em> ~ I think they might be using those things, Guide Me, to hurt us, now.</p><p></p><p>I think that might be very, very true, where my son is concerned.</p><p></p><p>It hurts me, to know it?</p><p></p><p>But it is what it is, and it is better for both of us if we see it.</p><p></p><p>I forgot the second thing.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>You wrote that your daughter is still hurt and angry at you over whatever shortcomings she perceives and blames you for in her growing up.</p><p></p><p>(Cedar suddenly remembers the second thing from the paragraph above. And here it is: Remember Roseanne? So, this is what she had to say about parenting, and about being a perfect mom.</p><p></p><p>"If those kids are still alive at the end of the day? </p><p></p><p>HEY! I DID MY JOB."</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I used to laugh and laugh about that.</p><p></p><p>Back to your child's anger. My son is very, very angry with me, too. What I noticed, over time, is that though the accusations, or the rationalization about why he was angry, or why he did self destructive things like use drugs, or why it was my fault ~ all that stuff changed, all the time. The only thing that never seemed to change was that he was angry.</p><p></p><p>Because it is so constant (like my son's), because it is focused on you (as is my son's anger) I think that your daughter's anger, like my son's, may be her burden. </p><p></p><p>Maybe that will be her challenge, all of her life.</p><p></p><p>Maybe, these kinds of irrational anger have nothing to do with us, Guide Me. We were parented ourselves in such a way that we feel responsible. We make it work somehow, whatever the bad thing was that happened.</p><p></p><p>That has nothing to do with our children, either.</p><p></p><p>That is who we would be, whether we were moms or not.</p><p></p><p>But however we got to be the ones who make the bed and make the coffee and make sure everyone's laundry comes out white and clean...that same genetic mix that found us reacting to the anger of our parent with perfectionism?</p><p></p><p>That same kind of irrational, unintentional anger our caretakers may have focused on us may be in our children.</p><p></p><p>In their genetics.</p><p></p><p>So, we need to learn to parent differently, to be stronger ourselves, to tell them true things.</p><p></p><p>Not just you Guide Me. Me, too.</p><p></p><p>That's why I'm still here every darn day.</p><p></p><p>:O|</p><p></p><p>****</p><p></p><p>The last thing I have to say is that a therapist told me once that a child (or an adult with anger problems) will dump the overwhelmingness of the rage onto someone they trust to </p><p></p><p>1) be able to survive it, when they are so afraid of the enormity of what they feel, themselves and </p><p></p><p>2) love them, no matter what.</p><p></p><p>Here is a comforting thought. You ended that paragraph writing about how young your child is. And she is still so very young. How wonderful a thing would it be Guide Me, if you could (and if I could ~ better late than never, right?) sincerely understand that our childrens' anger is something we are beautifully equipped to help them cope with <em>once we see that, though the anger is directed at us, though it may even be destroying us, it is not a real thing.</em></p><p></p><p>You know how all the spiritual teaching are always saying love is the stronger thing, is the strongest thing, is the only real thing?</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 640095, member: 17461"] She does feel badly about hurting you, GuideMe. I believe that. But, just lately...I am wondering whether our difficult child children actually do feel badly about hurting us or not. I can see the wrongness in what other sons call their moms and so, I can see the wrongness in what my son says to me. What I cannot see? Is how he got to that place. That part, I don't understand. It's a scary little darkness for me, still. I don't suppose I want to know that part. *** Regarding your daughter not blaming you for whatever it was that was not perfect when she was little, GuideMe. Two things: Brene Brown, who researches shame, writes that we humans are hard wired for challenge. [I]Hard wired.[/I] There is no one who has not been challenged. It is just that whatever it is we don't have enough of ourselves, we think if only we had that, life would be perfect. In reality, each of us, every single one of us, is carrying more pain, more confusion or guilt of shame than she (or he) can. But we do it, anyway. In this, we are amazing. Just lately, as I am figuring things out in a different way than I have been able to before, it seems to me that my children, and your child too, are using the ways we wished we'd been better, or are using the things we could not provide and feel badly for because we wanted life to be better [I]for them[/I] ~ I think they might be using those things, Guide Me, to hurt us, now. I think that might be very, very true, where my son is concerned. It hurts me, to know it? But it is what it is, and it is better for both of us if we see it. I forgot the second thing. :O) *** You wrote that your daughter is still hurt and angry at you over whatever shortcomings she perceives and blames you for in her growing up. (Cedar suddenly remembers the second thing from the paragraph above. And here it is: Remember Roseanne? So, this is what she had to say about parenting, and about being a perfect mom. "If those kids are still alive at the end of the day? HEY! I DID MY JOB." *** I used to laugh and laugh about that. Back to your child's anger. My son is very, very angry with me, too. What I noticed, over time, is that though the accusations, or the rationalization about why he was angry, or why he did self destructive things like use drugs, or why it was my fault ~ all that stuff changed, all the time. The only thing that never seemed to change was that he was angry. Because it is so constant (like my son's), because it is focused on you (as is my son's anger) I think that your daughter's anger, like my son's, may be her burden. Maybe that will be her challenge, all of her life. Maybe, these kinds of irrational anger have nothing to do with us, Guide Me. We were parented ourselves in such a way that we feel responsible. We make it work somehow, whatever the bad thing was that happened. That has nothing to do with our children, either. That is who we would be, whether we were moms or not. But however we got to be the ones who make the bed and make the coffee and make sure everyone's laundry comes out white and clean...that same genetic mix that found us reacting to the anger of our parent with perfectionism? That same kind of irrational, unintentional anger our caretakers may have focused on us may be in our children. In their genetics. So, we need to learn to parent differently, to be stronger ourselves, to tell them true things. Not just you Guide Me. Me, too. That's why I'm still here every darn day. :O| **** The last thing I have to say is that a therapist told me once that a child (or an adult with anger problems) will dump the overwhelmingness of the rage onto someone they trust to 1) be able to survive it, when they are so afraid of the enormity of what they feel, themselves and 2) love them, no matter what. Here is a comforting thought. You ended that paragraph writing about how young your child is. And she is still so very young. How wonderful a thing would it be Guide Me, if you could (and if I could ~ better late than never, right?) sincerely understand that our childrens' anger is something we are beautifully equipped to help them cope with [I]once we see that, though the anger is directed at us, though it may even be destroying us, it is not a real thing.[/I] You know how all the spiritual teaching are always saying love is the stronger thing, is the strongest thing, is the only real thing? :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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