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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 640154" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>GM, my family could have been worse too. I've heard worse. And my kids could have gone through worse. Some kids are not believed by their parents when they talk about t he stuff my kids had to talk to us about, but we did and acted quickly in their behalf and against the offenders. Jumper and Sonic's abuser was punished and they saw it and know it. It could always have been worse.</p><p></p><p>My family provided for me as well. We had food, clothes, medical attention, even braces for our teeth. What we did not have was acceptance or unconditional love, but there is worse. Verbal abuse, day after day, is not as bad as some forms of abuse. But our early years always take a toll. All three of us have had major problems (my sister, my brother, and me). And in the end my family of origin decided it was all my fault. "All" means everything that ever went wrong in our family. And I do mean everything. But I either moved on or was bitter and angry forever, trying to please my two siblings who still are on earth with me. I could have stolen, taken drugs, made my mental illness worse...done things to make myself even worse, not better. We all have this choice. And it is OUR choice. All of us have that choice.</p><p></p><p>I used to also say to myself, "At least I was fed and housed and not physically hit or sexually abused." It had to be enough. I could not say, "At least, in my heart, I know my mother loved me the best way she could." Because she didn't love me. And that is never ok to any human being, but it is something you can overcome. You can use it in a positive way as in, "I will use my mother as a role model of how NOT to parent. I can choose calmness and quiet in my response to my children instead of shouting and words I regret. I can always tell my kids how much I love them, whenever we have any interaction. I can tell how well they are doing, how proud I am of them, instead of where they fall short and what losers they are. And I will not always succeed, but I can do it most of the time. It's up to me. I can get the haunted mother out of me and be my own person. I am not her. She is not me."</p><p></p><p>My mother has traumatized me more than anyone else emotionally, but she had lessons to teach me too, even if it was how not to be. And I refused to let her behavior force me so inside of myself that I hated all of humanity or trusted nobody. I would not let her steal my soul that way. I am socially awkward and not comfortable with groups of people, and I don't have many close friends. But I don't hate the world or think all people are bad or have a chip on my shoulder. This was chosen because I did start out that way. I just kept telling myself, "I will not look at the world through the lens of anger and hatred because of her. I won't let her do that to me." It took lots of therapy and hard work, but it paid off royally.</p><p></p><p>As for my relationship with my kids, Scott left our family. Period. He didn't give any concrete reason, but we did not adopt him until age six. In the end, I choose to let him go, since that what he wants, and remember the memories and not focus on this or think I am a failure because a child who spent six years in an orphanage could not bond. It is what it is.</p><p></p><p>I have REALLY good relationships with Jumper, Sonic and Julie and not really a bad relationship even with 37. I just had to learn to accept him for who he is in order to enjoy what he has to offer. He isn't always in a bad mood and I cherish the good times and, yes, I tell him I love him after every phone call, unless he hangs up on me...lol. Well...ok. Almost <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>GM, you can get the monsters off of your back too. You can do this. Yes, I am pushing you because I care about you and hope you will decide to be good to yourself and get the help you need to appreciate your goodness. Whatever bad may have happened to you or your daughter...it was not your fault. You did not ask for it for yourself or for her and I know first hand that there is no method to 100% protect your children. You can be a great mom, very involved, even a stay-at-home like I was and still not be able to protect your kids. You can make them feel loved by you, but you can't stop Joe Jerk from next door from bullying them or abusing them in other ways especially when they tend not to talk to us about it...mostly, I have learned, out of fear of what the abuser will do to their loved ones if they tell anybody.</p><p></p><p>Half the kids in this country (my son told me that his family lawyer told him it is actually 53%) will live with single parents. Their parents will divorce. It is now part of our culture. Your daughter is not the only single parent child. Thankfully people are no longer ostracized for living with a single parent.</p><p></p><p>When you think about your daughter, do you ever think that part of her personality is probably genetic? You never mention her father and I get that you did not allow him to raise her, which sounds like a good idea. But your daughter can not get rid of him as easily as that. Half of her DNA is his. If he was temperamental, had a quick temper, self-destructed...well, your daughter may have a lot of his DNA going on and that has zilch to do with you. It is not just about your DNA connections. It is about his as well.</p><p></p><p>It is time to stop blaming yourself and stop accepting crumbs and thinking it is ok. It is not ok that your family was unkind to you or hurt you or whatever they did. So what if they housed you? Most parents do. Some abusive parents try to keep their kids at home as long as possible to prolong the abuse. They get something out of feeling powerful. I don't excuse my DNA connections anymore. I don't hate them. I don't love them and wish they loved me. It is what it is.</p><p></p><p>But all this came by seeking out help. I simply did not have the capacity to do this myself. It is too much.</p><p></p><p>I wish you the haappiest life and a decision on your part to one day stop blaming yourself and start loving yourself. By your kind heart, I'm sure most of us already care for you very much. You are a worthwhile, important person and you deserve to be happy. You are still young and, if you can heal a bit, perhaps you can even make strong loving connections, may I dare say...maybe marry a wonderul man one day? Yes, they exist! My second husband is wonderful!!!! My first, not so much.</p><p></p><p>You have a wonderful Saturday. Be good to YOU. You so, so, so deserve to be able to find peace with yourself because you have so much goondess inside of you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 640154, member: 1550"] GM, my family could have been worse too. I've heard worse. And my kids could have gone through worse. Some kids are not believed by their parents when they talk about t he stuff my kids had to talk to us about, but we did and acted quickly in their behalf and against the offenders. Jumper and Sonic's abuser was punished and they saw it and know it. It could always have been worse. My family provided for me as well. We had food, clothes, medical attention, even braces for our teeth. What we did not have was acceptance or unconditional love, but there is worse. Verbal abuse, day after day, is not as bad as some forms of abuse. But our early years always take a toll. All three of us have had major problems (my sister, my brother, and me). And in the end my family of origin decided it was all my fault. "All" means everything that ever went wrong in our family. And I do mean everything. But I either moved on or was bitter and angry forever, trying to please my two siblings who still are on earth with me. I could have stolen, taken drugs, made my mental illness worse...done things to make myself even worse, not better. We all have this choice. And it is OUR choice. All of us have that choice. I used to also say to myself, "At least I was fed and housed and not physically hit or sexually abused." It had to be enough. I could not say, "At least, in my heart, I know my mother loved me the best way she could." Because she didn't love me. And that is never ok to any human being, but it is something you can overcome. You can use it in a positive way as in, "I will use my mother as a role model of how NOT to parent. I can choose calmness and quiet in my response to my children instead of shouting and words I regret. I can always tell my kids how much I love them, whenever we have any interaction. I can tell how well they are doing, how proud I am of them, instead of where they fall short and what losers they are. And I will not always succeed, but I can do it most of the time. It's up to me. I can get the haunted mother out of me and be my own person. I am not her. She is not me." My mother has traumatized me more than anyone else emotionally, but she had lessons to teach me too, even if it was how not to be. And I refused to let her behavior force me so inside of myself that I hated all of humanity or trusted nobody. I would not let her steal my soul that way. I am socially awkward and not comfortable with groups of people, and I don't have many close friends. But I don't hate the world or think all people are bad or have a chip on my shoulder. This was chosen because I did start out that way. I just kept telling myself, "I will not look at the world through the lens of anger and hatred because of her. I won't let her do that to me." It took lots of therapy and hard work, but it paid off royally. As for my relationship with my kids, Scott left our family. Period. He didn't give any concrete reason, but we did not adopt him until age six. In the end, I choose to let him go, since that what he wants, and remember the memories and not focus on this or think I am a failure because a child who spent six years in an orphanage could not bond. It is what it is. I have REALLY good relationships with Jumper, Sonic and Julie and not really a bad relationship even with 37. I just had to learn to accept him for who he is in order to enjoy what he has to offer. He isn't always in a bad mood and I cherish the good times and, yes, I tell him I love him after every phone call, unless he hangs up on me...lol. Well...ok. Almost :) GM, you can get the monsters off of your back too. You can do this. Yes, I am pushing you because I care about you and hope you will decide to be good to yourself and get the help you need to appreciate your goodness. Whatever bad may have happened to you or your daughter...it was not your fault. You did not ask for it for yourself or for her and I know first hand that there is no method to 100% protect your children. You can be a great mom, very involved, even a stay-at-home like I was and still not be able to protect your kids. You can make them feel loved by you, but you can't stop Joe Jerk from next door from bullying them or abusing them in other ways especially when they tend not to talk to us about it...mostly, I have learned, out of fear of what the abuser will do to their loved ones if they tell anybody. Half the kids in this country (my son told me that his family lawyer told him it is actually 53%) will live with single parents. Their parents will divorce. It is now part of our culture. Your daughter is not the only single parent child. Thankfully people are no longer ostracized for living with a single parent. When you think about your daughter, do you ever think that part of her personality is probably genetic? You never mention her father and I get that you did not allow him to raise her, which sounds like a good idea. But your daughter can not get rid of him as easily as that. Half of her DNA is his. If he was temperamental, had a quick temper, self-destructed...well, your daughter may have a lot of his DNA going on and that has zilch to do with you. It is not just about your DNA connections. It is about his as well. It is time to stop blaming yourself and stop accepting crumbs and thinking it is ok. It is not ok that your family was unkind to you or hurt you or whatever they did. So what if they housed you? Most parents do. Some abusive parents try to keep their kids at home as long as possible to prolong the abuse. They get something out of feeling powerful. I don't excuse my DNA connections anymore. I don't hate them. I don't love them and wish they loved me. It is what it is. But all this came by seeking out help. I simply did not have the capacity to do this myself. It is too much. I wish you the haappiest life and a decision on your part to one day stop blaming yourself and start loving yourself. By your kind heart, I'm sure most of us already care for you very much. You are a worthwhile, important person and you deserve to be happy. You are still young and, if you can heal a bit, perhaps you can even make strong loving connections, may I dare say...maybe marry a wonderul man one day? Yes, they exist! My second husband is wonderful!!!! My first, not so much. You have a wonderful Saturday. Be good to YOU. You so, so, so deserve to be able to find peace with yourself because you have so much goondess inside of you. [/QUOTE]
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