Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Your feedback please
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 746963" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p>Hello Beta</p><p>I agree with the wisdom others have shared regarding the abusive speech he attacked you with. But I’ll share some experience regarding your comment (below).</p><p></p><p>I’m guessing I’m around 20 years older than you. And my difficult child (my 3rd adult child) is now 39 years old. I’m thinking back to when he was 28, like your son. I still had some blinders on then, I still had hope for a certain kind of relationship, some remnants of dreams of possibility for him to fulfill his potential and my hopes. I was still willing to sacrifice for him, for his wife …. As years passed, as money drained out, as the destructive “rinse repeat” patterns caused more and more pain and heartache, I cried more and more, and I got weaker, did not eat enough. I did not want to come home, wanted to run away.</p><p></p><p>Then his wife could not take it and left, and the subsequent divorce brought him back to my home where we thought we could help him get back on his feet. It brought all of us crashing into a choking, drowning, downward spiral. I felt I could not breathe, I knew I was going to die soon, if he stayed around me. That was the turning point.</p><p></p><p>Once I was clear with him on making him leave, setting him free to suffer on his own and reap the consequences of his own choices and behaviors, it was a slow and painful process to recover, but we began to revive and to feel relief that <em>we were going to be alright</em>.</p><p></p><p>In the process of regaining myself, <u>I found myself often thinking these exact things (imagining that he was hungry , on the street, ending up in jail, and ending up dead.)</u> So far now, all of things have actually happened, except the last. ( <em>He is still alive.)</em> I want to tell you that these things happening to him have not been all bad. I fully believe that because he has been hungry, been on the street, been in jail, that he learned valuable lessons in those places (his lessons for himself that he had to handle on his own, and that were the result of his own doing and growing) , that he is actually doing a little better than he was. He is figuring out more things on his own, without me. But even now, he still is sometines on the street / hungry, etc.</p><p></p><p><u>I also have imagined the worst</u> – that he would end up dead. While this is not a happy ending to think about, I came to realize that if I should find him dead or if that happens (as it could happen to us all), that I would have to accept it and survive it somehow, and that even then <em>my life would be alright</em>. Once you can imagine the worst and realize that you would come through it, it is no longer such a threat.</p><p></p><p>We must realize we cannot be responsible or sacrifice for these difficult adult children, and we have no authority and control over all the times of their lives. I have posted these points before and must continue to remind myself to:</p><p>· Stop trying to fix someone else’s problems</p><p>· Stop trying to encourage change in someone who doesn’t want to change.</p><p>· Stop giving repeated chances to someone who abuses/takes advantage of forgiveness and support.</p><p>· Stop trusting nice-sounding words (often lies) while ignoring/tolerating destructive actions.</p><p>· Stop giving my strength and effort toward a relationship that isn’t reciprocated.</p><p></p><p>Take care dear. <em>You are going to be alright.</em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 746963, member: 19617"] Hello Beta I agree with the wisdom others have shared regarding the abusive speech he attacked you with. But I’ll share some experience regarding your comment (below). I’m guessing I’m around 20 years older than you. And my difficult child (my 3rd adult child) is now 39 years old. I’m thinking back to when he was 28, like your son. I still had some blinders on then, I still had hope for a certain kind of relationship, some remnants of dreams of possibility for him to fulfill his potential and my hopes. I was still willing to sacrifice for him, for his wife …. As years passed, as money drained out, as the destructive “rinse repeat” patterns caused more and more pain and heartache, I cried more and more, and I got weaker, did not eat enough. I did not want to come home, wanted to run away. Then his wife could not take it and left, and the subsequent divorce brought him back to my home where we thought we could help him get back on his feet. It brought all of us crashing into a choking, drowning, downward spiral. I felt I could not breathe, I knew I was going to die soon, if he stayed around me. That was the turning point. Once I was clear with him on making him leave, setting him free to suffer on his own and reap the consequences of his own choices and behaviors, it was a slow and painful process to recover, but we began to revive and to feel relief that [I]we were going to be alright[/I]. In the process of regaining myself, [U]I found myself often thinking these exact things (imagining that he was hungry , on the street, ending up in jail, and ending up dead.)[/U] So far now, all of things have actually happened, except the last. ( [I]He is still alive.)[/I] I want to tell you that these things happening to him have not been all bad. I fully believe that because he has been hungry, been on the street, been in jail, that he learned valuable lessons in those places (his lessons for himself that he had to handle on his own, and that were the result of his own doing and growing) , that he is actually doing a little better than he was. He is figuring out more things on his own, without me. But even now, he still is sometines on the street / hungry, etc. [U]I also have imagined the worst[/U] – that he would end up dead. While this is not a happy ending to think about, I came to realize that if I should find him dead or if that happens (as it could happen to us all), that I would have to accept it and survive it somehow, and that even then [I]my life would be alright[/I]. Once you can imagine the worst and realize that you would come through it, it is no longer such a threat. We must realize we cannot be responsible or sacrifice for these difficult adult children, and we have no authority and control over all the times of their lives. I have posted these points before and must continue to remind myself to: · Stop trying to fix someone else’s problems · Stop trying to encourage change in someone who doesn’t want to change. · Stop giving repeated chances to someone who abuses/takes advantage of forgiveness and support. · Stop trusting nice-sounding words (often lies) while ignoring/tolerating destructive actions. · Stop giving my strength and effort toward a relationship that isn’t reciprocated. Take care dear. [I]You are going to be alright.[/I] [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Your feedback please
Top