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Your house/your rules -How to stop 17 yo from using pot in house?
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<blockquote data-quote="Percy" data-source="post: 706182" data-attributes="member: 21263"><p>Thank you to all of you for your feedback. I hear the perspective about calling the police and how it was aggression, and I appreciate others who said they also would not have called the police. Honestly, it did not occur to me to call the police. I did not feel fear or threatened in a way that would make me feel like that should've been an option. Maybe my perspective is skewed but that was my mindset at the moment.</p><p></p><p> Things got even worse today, if that was possible. When he got up around noon, I calmly told him that I would be removing the door as a consequence of his actions. I said, he was using private space to do drugs and not follow our family rules and values, therefore he would lose the privacy of his space.</p><p></p><p>The conversation was horrible, horrific, ugly. However, I was completely calm, never raised my voice, and did not allow him to distract me with the litany of abuse about bad parenting etc. that I had previously described to all of you. I stayed on message, and only on message.</p><p></p><p>It was very ugly though. Three of my younger children were at home, as was my husband. My husband came to get involved while I was talking to his son, through a closed door at that particular moment, and I actually told him to let me handle it. I felt like it was better one on one, because two on one inevitably escalates the situation. Son was basically unhinged. He really was like an out-of-control crazy person, **verball**y. Said horrible horrible things to me shouting screaming telling me to <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" /> myself telling me <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" /> you, telling me how much he hated me you didn't love me had no respect for me that I was a tweaker (not really sure what that means in this context, I googled it and it sounds like it means methhead, but I am certainly not a methhead, and in fact have never used any drug in my entire life! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> )</p><p></p><p>Son kept slamming door on me but then opening it, kept saying that I don't treat him like a real person, all I care about is pot. That he would never have a real conversation with me if I don't back down and admit that his smoking pot doesn't harm anyone. Then until I can admit that I am a terrible parent he can't have a real conversation with me.That I need to get over myself, that it has no impact on anyone what he smoking at 3 AM. And on and on.</p><p></p><p>I calmly repeated that I don't want him to do drugs, I don't want him to smoke pot, I can't control him out in the world, but he may not use drugs smoke drugs or store them or their paraphernalia in my home. I told him that I love him and care about him, I will always be concerned about him, but I have boundaries and values and he needs to respect them. There was a lot more but you get the idea.</p><p></p><p>My younger kids heard it all, and my husband said later that what they heard was a calm soft-spoken rational person talking to an out-of-control, name calling, hate spewing crazy person (my son being the latter.) And that every single thing I said was the message we would want our younger kids to hear as well.</p><p></p><p>After-the-fact I talked with each of the younger kids one-on-one to explain why I was taking my son's door off and why we just had that horrible conversation. I emphasized that Son's actions necessitated my responses. That it was within son's power to make choices to not use drugs, and to not use them in our house. And that every privilege we take/have taken away from, always has an explicit path for how it could be earned back if son we're willing to do so. That son was making the choice to use drugs in our house and not respect our home and family. I told younger kids that I love son, and I will never give up on him, but his consequences have actions and dad and I have boundaries, and expectations and we all have the right to live in a drug free home. I wasn't as calm talking to younger kids and ended up with tears rolling down my face at the end of each conversation, but I suppose it isn't horrible for them to see that I am genuinely upset by the situation they witnessed. It was objectively upsetting.</p><p></p><p>I feel like son is kind of decompensating. His verbal tirades are getting more and more out of control. His ad hominem attacks and profanity have markedly increased in the last two weeks. As has his use of dominating physical space and blocking me in doorways.</p><p></p><p>But again, a huge thank you to everyone who has provided me feedback. I really think your feedback was what me able to see how he was using all the other things he was saying smokescreens and distractions from the issue at hand. Last night and today were horrible, but they would have been much worse without this forum.</p><p></p><p>And 10 minutes ago Husband and I took the door off.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Percy, post: 706182, member: 21263"] Thank you to all of you for your feedback. I hear the perspective about calling the police and how it was aggression, and I appreciate others who said they also would not have called the police. Honestly, it did not occur to me to call the police. I did not feel fear or threatened in a way that would make me feel like that should've been an option. Maybe my perspective is skewed but that was my mindset at the moment. Things got even worse today, if that was possible. When he got up around noon, I calmly told him that I would be removing the door as a consequence of his actions. I said, he was using private space to do drugs and not follow our family rules and values, therefore he would lose the privacy of his space. The conversation was horrible, horrific, ugly. However, I was completely calm, never raised my voice, and did not allow him to distract me with the litany of abuse about bad parenting etc. that I had previously described to all of you. I stayed on message, and only on message. It was very ugly though. Three of my younger children were at home, as was my husband. My husband came to get involved while I was talking to his son, through a closed door at that particular moment, and I actually told him to let me handle it. I felt like it was better one on one, because two on one inevitably escalates the situation. Son was basically unhinged. He really was like an out-of-control crazy person, **verball**y. Said horrible horrible things to me shouting screaming telling me to :censored2: myself telling me :censored2: you, telling me how much he hated me you didn't love me had no respect for me that I was a tweaker (not really sure what that means in this context, I googled it and it sounds like it means methhead, but I am certainly not a methhead, and in fact have never used any drug in my entire life! :) ) Son kept slamming door on me but then opening it, kept saying that I don't treat him like a real person, all I care about is pot. That he would never have a real conversation with me if I don't back down and admit that his smoking pot doesn't harm anyone. Then until I can admit that I am a terrible parent he can't have a real conversation with me.That I need to get over myself, that it has no impact on anyone what he smoking at 3 AM. And on and on. I calmly repeated that I don't want him to do drugs, I don't want him to smoke pot, I can't control him out in the world, but he may not use drugs smoke drugs or store them or their paraphernalia in my home. I told him that I love him and care about him, I will always be concerned about him, but I have boundaries and values and he needs to respect them. There was a lot more but you get the idea. My younger kids heard it all, and my husband said later that what they heard was a calm soft-spoken rational person talking to an out-of-control, name calling, hate spewing crazy person (my son being the latter.) And that every single thing I said was the message we would want our younger kids to hear as well. After-the-fact I talked with each of the younger kids one-on-one to explain why I was taking my son's door off and why we just had that horrible conversation. I emphasized that Son's actions necessitated my responses. That it was within son's power to make choices to not use drugs, and to not use them in our house. And that every privilege we take/have taken away from, always has an explicit path for how it could be earned back if son we're willing to do so. That son was making the choice to use drugs in our house and not respect our home and family. I told younger kids that I love son, and I will never give up on him, but his consequences have actions and dad and I have boundaries, and expectations and we all have the right to live in a drug free home. I wasn't as calm talking to younger kids and ended up with tears rolling down my face at the end of each conversation, but I suppose it isn't horrible for them to see that I am genuinely upset by the situation they witnessed. It was objectively upsetting. I feel like son is kind of decompensating. His verbal tirades are getting more and more out of control. His ad hominem attacks and profanity have markedly increased in the last two weeks. As has his use of dominating physical space and blocking me in doorways. But again, a huge thank you to everyone who has provided me feedback. I really think your feedback was what me able to see how he was using all the other things he was saying smokescreens and distractions from the issue at hand. Last night and today were horrible, but they would have been much worse without this forum. And 10 minutes ago Husband and I took the door off. [/QUOTE]
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