Borderline Personality Disorder

[Jessee]

Hi Fran, I was diagnosis for my Disociative dissorder and the Borderline (BPD) from the Labrynth center for Dissociation, by a trained therepist of 25 years.
The only medications I take are Ativan and my heart medication.
I have in the past been on anitdepressants, but stopped taking them when I started having Babies.

As for how it presents itself , that would be very hard for me to try and describe, there are definate characteristics... but if looking at myself, it is hard to know.

I have definiate anger issues, but have gotton alot better in the last 10 years. I still explode once and a while, but not near as much as I used to.

I do get very bad feelings of being overwhelmed, to the point that being in my body is almost unbearable.

not sure what else to tell you.

I was seeing a T, but decided to take the summer off, cause all the focus on my messed up self was making it very difficult to focus on my Kids.

I am supposed to start seeing T again this month,atm I don't feel like it.. it take so much energy for me, and I don't have any to spare with all I have going on with my Family.

if you would like to ask me specific questions I would be glad to answer them, but hard for me to just come up with stuff

 

[Fran]

Jessee, thank you so much for sharing. I do have specific questions. I am just so curious about what this all means. I will look up some of the terms you used for definitions so I am understanding what you are saying. This is a diagnosis that I have little experience with and want to understand better.


If you are not comfortable having them posted in a public forum, I will e mail or Private message you. I don't do IM. Sorry.

Thank you so much for sharing what you have and being open about this disorder. I have so much respect for the members who are willing to open up and share their stories with us.

 

[TYLERFAN]

Thanks for asking her Fran. As you know I have very deep suspicions about my daughter having Borderline. I really would love to be able to get my hands around some definitive information myself.

Blessings,
Melissa

 

[Jessee]

You can ask me on the forum, I don't mind.

Borderline (BPD) is a definate spectrum disorder, my Son when tested also came up with sever Borderline (BPD), but he is different then me, Mind you when I was a kid, the anger was so bad I would chase people around with weapons and SI ALOT, etc etc.. I went through a period of SI as an adult as well, but different.. it involved piercings alot of them.

I also have Bulimia, but that is more under control. I haven't binged and purged in a very long time.. thank goodness... that was a huge problem growing up.

A person with a borderline personality disorder often experiences a repetitive pattern of disorganization and instability in self-image, mood, behavior and close personal relationships. This can cause significant distress or impairment in friendships and work. A person with this disorder can often be bright and intelligent, and appear warm, friendly and competent. They sometimes can maintain this appearance for a number of years until their defense structure crumbles, usually around a stressful situation like the breakup of a romantic relationship or the death of a parent.

This is a great description of Borderline (BPD), and is exactly how my life has been, the only somewhat stable relation ships I have are with those who love me, hehe.. I was very glad to get that diagnosis, it helped me understand more about my self.
Jessee /importthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif

 

[Fran]

Jessee,
What were you like as a teen?
What is your life like now?
Do you modify your life to function?
Does the anxiety limit the things you would normally do?

I am assuming that DID is not your disassociative state.

DSM-IV Criteria for Borderline (BPD)
The following is the criteria listed in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual for Psychiatric Disorders, Fourth Edition (1994) for Borderline Personality Disorder:

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).

2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called "splitting."

3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).

5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness.

8.Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

 

[alphamember/theresa]

My son was very close to that disorder & we were told ( by a psychiatric & a Therapist ) "your son can't be Borderline as that is for females. Since he is a little over 13- he can have Anti Social Traits Emerging........"

The reason for his premptive diagnosis? He also has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), BiPolar (BP), PTSD, Sensory Integration Disorder (SID), ( taken care of) some schizo affective, but he is a teen? yeah, our current psychiatric likes to put off his intense lying, stealing, "coming after me & then not remembering it" ( that not remembering it is true) & much more as "Hormones." Oh yeah, it is typical for a 13 1/2 yo kid to come aftyer his mom - looks threatening- veins sticking out........ & just say "sorry" much later & it is gone? He acts like it never happened & yet he knows it did! He did learn at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that whatever happens "that is NOT appropriate is gone once you are apologetic."
He can talk the talk but has a very difficult time "walking the walk."

His challenges stem from preadoption- there was abuse, neglect & abandonment. Drugs & Alcohol were also present in utero.

I do know about Borderline (BPD) & DID as our son CAN dissacociate when he was a toddler but now-- he calls it "zoning out".

His past ( before 2 1/2 ) was a nightmare. Many people do not believe in Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) , so I try not to say tooo much but the child is deply affected by this + the BM was an alcoholic, drug user & a foster child too. The pregnancy was a "one nighter"-- we adopted the brother but had to terminate - for our safety & for that of the youngest. ( the eldest wanted sex with his younger bro) We had threats made against our lives too.

How old are you? Have you tried DBT therapy? Only one medication?

L,
theresa
Free to email me anytime!!!

 

[Jessee]

I am diagnosis Major Dissociative dissorder, the DID has not been fully diagnosis yet.

as a child/teenager I most definatly had years of dissociating to the state where other people have taken over my body.
There is so much to describe about me that would take so incredably long, it will all come out in time.

I was very Abused as a child, by many differnt people in many different ways!

as a teenager I was an alcholic at 13, very suicidel, horribly bulimic,violent,ummm, I lived on the streets at 13 for 6 months, and completely on my own at 16.

I continued to drink through my whole teen years, I was very premiscuis, met up with the Gay crowd starting selling drugs, met a guy whose life was very very not ok, had a sever BAD trip or Drug overdose, we'll never know for sure... and ended up having the most SEVER Panic attack of my life, from that point on, my life got horribly worse, the panic and agoriphobia took over, my life became an unbearable nightmare, and I couldn't do anything about it. I was in the hospital 96 times the first year. I stopped doing the drugs and alcohol at that point though, and caffiene.. 8 months later I got pregnant with my first child, thank goodness my body had some time to clean out.
before I got pregnant I was on 10 mgs of ativan a day and taking Imipremine,when I got pregnant about 6-7 weeks into it, the imipramine was stopped, and I cut the ativan down to 6 mgs a day.
and cut it again down to 2 mgs a day when she was born since I was nursing.. the Panic and agoriphobia didn't go away from having a Baby, if anything I was more freaked out all the time worrying about her.I had a very difficult non progressive labour, which almost resulted in C section, but I somehow managed to have her naturally days and hours later.. she was 4 weeks early. 6 months later I was pregnant again, same kinda pregnancy, long hard labour, had him a week early,my relationship with my first Baby was awesome, I treasured her so much, she was the first thing in my life that I had ever completed..my first words after she was born was " I did it, I had a Baby".. was a miracle for me.

When my little Boy was born, I didn't bond with him the same way, since thier dad left me 3 months pregnant with a 9 month old Baby, and my son looked just like his Father, within 6 weeks my sons apperanced changed drastically and I had fully bonded with him by then.

My daughter became VERY jealous of her brother and by 9 months was starting to abuse him badly. She was always biting his head gving him black eyes, pushing him down, wouldn't let him play with the toys etc etc etc... it got so bad that I didn't know how to handle the situation, she got kicked of play groups and the daycare/preschool where I was taking my parenting courses, at 3 years of age she was prescribed an anti pyscotic tranquilizer,, Melaril, I gave it to her once, and it turned her into a zombie, so I didn't give it to her again, I put the medication up in the top cupboard above my stove where she shouldn't be able to get at it... WRONG!!!. she got into it and drank a whole bunch and fed some to her brother, the ended up the ER, have charchol and getting thier stomaches pumped, my Mother law called CPS, and they aprehended my children and took them away from me.
That was on a Friday, I fought like hell all weekend getting notes from the Doctor and every person who ever knew me atc, went to the police myself, and was at CPS when they opened Monday morning, they let me visit with my kids that day... that was the most devastating thng I have ever gone through, by Tuesday I had my children back again, the SW who aprehnded them actually turned out to help me fight to get them back so it went very quickly, at that point is when I had to start the parenting groups and stuff, that my daughter evetually got kicked out of.

My second child was a very sickly one, he had horrible asthma , and would get fevers as high as 107, he had febral seizures and was sooo sick for the longest time, about 8 years or so. poor little Baby.

after all this stuff happened the abuse got worse form my daughter to my son,, well it continued anyways.. I started not reacting to this very well, and in my opinion became somewhat abuseive towards her.. I didn't know it at the time, when she was 4 and a half my eyes were opened and I for the first time, saw what was going on, and at that moment, swore that I would never hit her in anger again.. that was 10 years ago.. and I haven't

When my 3rd child was born he was almost DOA,, he was completely nonresponseive and wasn't breathing very much.. he had contracted Strep B from me, which I was very very ill during the labour, my water broke and they didn't induce me for 24 hours,, so he got SO sick...the DR. said that he didn't know if he would live or die .
My Baby lived,, but went through alot of trama in his first week of life.. he was a human pin cushion, had a spinal tap. etc etc.

he left the hospital a week later, they wanted to keep him a few more days, but I was comfortable at that point to take him home.

He was an amazing Baby for the first 10 months, hardly ever cryed, was the only one who was content to just sit and play with his floor mobile for a couple hours at a time. that went on till he was 10 months, at that point he started screaming.. all the time, and the child developement people came in and assesed him, he was delayed in quite a few areas.. but evetually learned them.
According to my other kids, his speach was very delayed for a long time.. I hadn't rememberd that.. but I do now.

ummm.....

k then the 4 pregnancy happened, I was Christian by this point and Baby was concieved outa wedlock and stuff, so it took my about 6 months to be able to accept the pregnancy. and feel comfortable in public about it.. I did Love my little Baby from the moment of conception,, just was very ashamed.

my labour with her was 31 hours long .. but was very lovely,, to long to explain hehe

umm, Baby caught Broncial Phenumonia at 5 days old from my kids, and was very very sick for about the first 3 and a half- 4 years of her life. she had an immune deficiency, and to this day if she gets a chest cold. she ends up on prednisone.

All my Babys were premature, except number 2 was only a week early.
first one was a month, 2 was a week 3and 4 were about 6 weeks early all very tiny, they weighed.
5lbs 11 5lbs 8 6 lbs 3 and 5 lbs 1.. my 4th was only 4 lbs 13 when I brought her home... so tiny.

well this is enough info about my life for this session, if you need more info, pls let me know.. bye for now Jess

 

[Fran]

It's been a tumultuous life.
Congratulations on going to parenting classes and learning a better way to parent your children.

Thank you for a little glimpse into your past.


Is drug and alcohol abuse common in Borderline (BPD)?

 

[Jessee]

Your question about , does the anxieny limit and effect the things I do.. YES, alot.. I am still very agoraphobic, but have no choice but to leave the house since I have kids.. I always have my cell phone and my ativan.. and I have a breathing disorder of some sort from all the anxiety which gives me irregualr heart beats, been having this anxiety and irregular beats now for 16 years.

I am terrified of everything, scared of living scared of dying.. will not fly go on boats or trains, and am very stressed out and fearful in cars/vans alot of the time.. horribly if I have to go over mountain passes.. I have to take alot of medications and pray alot..
I like buses,, unless they have alot of people on them, if someone on the bus accidently touches me. I alomst lose my mind, I HATE to be touched by strangers, and my Mother.
I can give hugs to my friends if I initiate them, but if people come up to me and I don't expect it.. it freaks me right out.

I am very touchy with my kids,, I love to hug them alot and kiss them.. drives them crazy sometimes. /importthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif since one is 14 and other is almost 13.
I didn't get hugs or good touches as a child from the age of 6-18, so I really need them alot from my Babies.

well better go, or i'll start babbling again.. Cya. Jessee

 

[Jessee]

yes, drug and alcohol abuse is common in Borderline (BPD)

 

[Fran]

Jessee, I find this so interesting. I didn't realize the anxiety part of this was so prevalent.

Did you finish school or ever work outside your home? I am assuming that you are disabled.

I am so sorry about how fearful you are. I have known people who suffered the agoraphobia. It is the same with anxiety if put in a situation they couldn't control. She would be incredibly stressed to the point of hysteria. It's not something I appreciated until I was much older. It is such a crippling disorder.

It does break my heart to think that you were injured so badly as a child. I hope there is joy and peace in your life today.

Is abandonment an issue? Abandonment from whom?

 

[Jessee]

Abandonment is something I live in fear of everyday of my life, from my children, my friends.
If I have a fight with someone, I have to make it better... they may never like me if I don't

I dropped out of school after I gradualted grade 7, which I missed most of the year of.
I have only worked in a couple of night clubs, which I did enjoy alot, it was fun. I have been Babysitting since I was 6 years old, and it is a tough thing to do minding other peoples kids, but it was a way for me to make extra money and still be with my own kids.

I tried going back to night school when I was 16 and that went ok for a while, till I met up with another girl and we started partying.

I have done alot of reading and learning on my own, I have always been a book worm. so I have a fairly decient knowledge system... I suck at spelling sometimes.. but sometimes it's just that I think so fast and my typing can't keep up with it.

I was on lvl 2 disability but Gordon Cambell screwed that up, and my DR. has been usless in helping me get it back again..

they keep refusing me when I reapply.. so I get just a lvl 1 disability which isn't much, but better than nothing I suppose.

 

[Jessee]

pls note in all that I have shared with you all, there are Therepists involved and psychiatrist starts in Oct. for 9 year old, and he is also going to be tested for Autism, I never would have considered that, but since we did the test and it came up moderate I called the appropriate place, and now I am w8ing for an intake meeting to asses my Son.
thx for that tip on Autism, he may or may not have it, but best to rule it out

my Son has been assesed a couple times over the years for different things, but I think he needs to see someone on a longer term basis.

 

[Fran]

Jessee, I sure hope you don't feel judged. We can stop this thread if you are not comfortable.

I was just curious about the Borderline (BPD) because I think I know someone who may be Borderline (BPD) although not diagnosed.

I'm sorry about the disability income. I am not familiar with Canada's system(heck I am not even familiar with the U.S. system)

It's obvious that you are knowledgeable. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Jessee]

NP at all Fran, I don't mind sharing, I just don't want anyone to think, that this is the ADAMS family and we all gona go out a destroy society LOL.. we have huge issues, but we are doing ok, not always but, hehe we're alright.
Jessee

 

[Momslittleangels]

Hi Jessee:

I hope you don't mind that I interject into this thread between you and Fran, but I just wanted to tell you how AMAZING you are.

To have gone through so much, and then pulled yourself back to the point you are at is nothing short of INCREDIBLE. I'm sure things don't feel so great at times, but you have truly come a long way - - all on your own.

I just wanted to tell you that! I hope for the very best in the future.

P.S. Do you mind if I ask how old you are? 30's 40's? You seem so held together for what you have and are continuing to go through. Wow!!! Hang in there!

 

[Jemma1028]

I have to add something in to this thread. Each person who has Borderline (BPD) has different issues. Out of the DSM criteria, you must have 5 out of seven (I think) in order to qualify for the diagnosis. I have been Borderline (BPD) for the last 11 years. Many people with Borderline (BPD) are females, but there are many diagnosed who are males. Not all are drug abusers...usually there is a vice that we have that we do to the excess such as sex, shopping, gambling, drugs, etc... Borderline (BPD) people think things in terms of black and white. It is hard to see the gray areas of life. Things are great or they suck. They have no sense of self so they tend to try to read their self worth through how they think other people persieve them. Did that make any sense what-so-ever? It is sort of like looking in a mirror with no reflection. We are great at manipulating people and situations. We can be the life of the party or the angriest person you have ever seen. That is why many psychiatrist's hate treating Borderline (BPD). The risk of lawsuits due to suicide is too great. Suicide attemts always come from intense interpersonal relationships. These relationships can be between lovers or parents. Borderline (BPD) peaks in the 20's and will start to ease up in the mid 30's.

I am not going to go into my life story because I could fill up a book but it was rough as well. I can only say thank goodness for a psychiatrist that wouldnt allow me to manipulate him and a husband that wouldnt allow me to manipulate him or to push him away. Having my kids saved my life. It forced me to put their needs first.

I have read about lately, and my psychiatrist has also dual diagnosed me to be Bipolar Mixed type as well as Borderline (BPD). The new research is starting to point in the direction that Borderline (BPD) is actually a form of rapid cycling Bipolar. The mood can cycle up and down (in an intstant) several times a day and that is why the other drugs used to treat common Bipolar (Lithium) do not work. This is also why anti-depressents make Borderline (BPD) worse. They have found that Mood stabilizors (sp?) work best. Topomax, Lamactil etc...

Jessee, I am curious though as to why you have not been treated with any sort of mood stabilizor?

When the psychiatrist finally put me on Topamax two years ago I found an inner peace I have never known in all my life. (I am also on Xanax and Trazadone)The roller coaster ride of emotions slowed down to a Sunday drive over some little hills. I can now see the gray areas of life. I dont get mad and scream at my kids or blow up at my husband. I don't cry as much as I used to. I am on disability as well and I know the hell you have been through. Keep fighting for disability. PM if you need to talk.

 

[Fran]

Jill and Jessee, I understand that there is no "cookie cutter" person with Borderline (BPD). Just as autism is a spectrum of symptoms I can understand that there is a Borderline (BPD) spectrum.

The whole splitting thing and the anxiety fit many people that I know.

I can understand the leaning towards a type of bipolar.
The no sense of self is different than the grandiose thinking of bipolar though.
Are a mood stabilizer and anti anxiety medication the treatment of choice?

Jessee, I am not going to think you are pitiful. I think you and Jill are hopeful.
You will never know how many people are reading this thread all through the world and will strengthened to get assessed and get treated. It can help someone suffering to get relief.

I don't think you are the Adams'Family. I don't know anyone who doesn't have "baggage" in their families. They might act like they are without flaw on the outside. It's may be their choice for privacy or a way to deny their reality.
You are taking care of your children. You are taking care of yourselves. It's what we all do.

 

[Jessee]

I am 36 years old, and I was diagnosis with the Borderline (BPD) and Dissociation around March of this year.
I am terrified of prescribed medications, I have had so many side effects to them, that I just try and handle life on my own.. ticks the DR. off at times.
I had a slight nervous collapse last week due to all the irregular heart beats and being in and out of the hospital.
be precribed Xanax to me, but when I reaserched the side effects, on of the strong cautions were, "if you have Borderline (BPD), do not take this medication!"

My Mom is here I gotta go

 

[DammitJanet]

I want to also add my welcome. Fran has always been more than welcoming to me with all my flaws. I have a very hard time with my bipolar disorder that I was diagnosed with while I was a member of this board. The members here were great at almost cyberly holding my hand thru some of my roughest points and Im sure they will be there for me again...as they will be for you.

I also think I know someone who may be borderline. It does seem so close to bipolar but maybe just more manipulative. I have found this whole thread so interesting but also I feel for you Jessee. I know how hard life can be because I didnt have a great life growing up myself. Sometimes I dont know how I made it.

But we can be proud of ourselves for overcoming alot and making it to this point. We are alive and well today.

Welcome to the board. I hope you find this a nice place. I always have.