Amy, I am so sorry for your aching momma and grandmothers heart. It is so hard with grands involved. Hard when our daughters choose men who are controlling. Your daughter is a young mother with what you have described as an emotionally and possibly physically abusive boyfriend. As I posted before, it is classic for a controlling person to coerce their victims to cut ties with anyone who would possibly support them leaving.
It is an awful circumstance of your daughters choice. She may be under his influence as a way to keep the peace in their relationship. Who knows? Whatever the case may be, sadly, but honestly, you have no control over this situation.
My daughter would come and go with her three kids. We would not hear from them for months, until a crisis, then I would put on my rescue hat and help her with restraining orders, rearrange my home, the grands would be registered in the district school, etc, etc. Unfortunately, my daughter would succumb to her bfs beguiling pleas, she would end up back with him. This went on for a few years. In this time, hubs health declined and he had bouts of hospitalization and illness leading to his passing.
Three grandkids. The eldest is now a teenager. They are living with their paternal grandparents, that’s a whole different chapter of a very long novel, years of this under our belts.
My point in telling you is this.
We love our daughters, our grandkids.
We have absolutely no control over what their decisions are as far as their mates, their kids and their lifestyles.
I know how much this hurts, firsthand. I am sorry for the anguish of it all. I encourage you to build your strength, to find ways to switch focus on what is happening with your daughter. I know that is hard Amy. Hard to read and hard to do.
It is really important for your sanity and your health. There is nothing to come of your losing yourself in the misery of this. We have no control over what our adult kids choose.
In my case, with my two they have said and done some horrible things, including going no contact due to drug addiction. I have been able to remove myself from the hurt of it, by acknowledging that fact and knowing that they would act differently if they were not using. But they are and there is not one thing I can do about it.
It may be the same for your daughter. If she was not with this controlling man, it may be different, it may not.
Understanding this, may help you from falling into the rabbit hole, when there is no contact, or when cruel things are said.
You did not cause this, can’t control or fix it.
Our daughters are adults and will find their own way, regardless of our opinions or feelings. It is a sad fact for us grandmothers, as well as our grandchildren. We are stuck in the middle of a storm we didn’t create or want.
So, what are we left with? Our focus. If we cannot control what our daughters choices are, we might as well look inward. Focus on what we can control. That’s ourselves. It feels off at first, selfish. It is what we wish for our kids and grands, that they be solid, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically well human beings.
We can carry the torch. Embody this as a goal, instead of wasting away over the sadness of something we can’t fix.
I am sorry Amy, from one gramma to another, I feel your pain.
My goal is to be like a phoenix, rising out of the fire and ashes of sorrow, flying high to live the best rest of my life. I think that is the best testament to living well for all of my children and grands.
Be the change.
Grab your life back.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
they didn't ask for this, so there is always love from me and Papa.
