How do I treat my mentally ill adult daughter?

[Looking For Hope]

My daughter has been on the street for 10 years. She refuses to get any treatment at all and says she is just fine. I let her visit me once a month and stay one night. We give her $300 per month. She manages to survive but her body is deteriorating. It just breaks my heart. Her step father does not want her living with us. I know a person who paid for an expensive lawyer to get her daughter into Conservatorship in California, but that is beyond my means. How do you deal with the pain of watching your child waste her life?

 

[BusynMember]

Sadly, and I feel for you, we can't do anything. We can't make them go for help. We don't have that kind of controll over anyone else, even a child.

I recommend private therapy for yourself or else going to an online Zoom 12 step meeting such as Families Anonymous or NarAnon. You can learn how to live your own life even with an adult child who chooses not to do well.

Love and hugs

 

[Looking For Hope]

Sadly, and I feel for you, we can't do anything. We can't make them go for help. We don't have that kind of controll over anyone else, even a child.

I recommend private therapy for yourself or else going to an online Zoom 12 step meeting such as Families Anonymous or NarAnon. You can learn how to live your own life even with an adult child who chooses not to do well.

Love and hugs

Thank you very much for your kindness. I am not familiar with Families Anonymous. I will check them out.

 

[Crayola13]

Some cities offer payment assistance with legal fees. I don’t know what the criteria are. My insurance plan through my employer offers financial assistance for legal fees, but I don’t know how much. Have you checked to see if your insurance plan offers this?

I’m sorry about your daughter. If she’s content with being homeless for ten years, she may have resigned herself to that kind of life.

Does she go to the shelter, soup kitchen, etc.? Our city offers more services for the homeless than most other places. The social workers and shelter workers sometimes don’t push them to seek those services, but I think they would be better off if they utilized the programs available. Some people think there are just too many strings attached.

 

[Looking For Hope]

Some cities offer payment assistance with legal fees. I don’t know what the criteria are. My insurance plan through my employer offers financial assistance for legal fees, but I don’t know how much. Have you checked to see if your insurance plan offers this?

I’m sorry about your daughter. If she’s content with being homeless for ten years, she may have resigned herself to that kind of life.

Does she go to the shelter, soup kitchen, etc.? Our city offers more services for the homeless than most other places. The social workers and shelter workers sometimes don’t push them to seek those services, but I think they would be better off if they utilized the programs available. Some people think there are just too many strings attached.

I am retired and have Medicare for insurance. I have no coverage for legal fees. I think you may be right about my daughter being almost comfortable with the homeless life. No one tells her what to do or where to go. She will not utilize anything offered by the city, state or federal government. She is very paranoid She says "the government is watching her." She had a food card for awhile under the SNAP program, but didn't like their rules about proving your lack of income. She won't go to shelters or soup kitchens. She has learned what restaurants will give her food and buys a little food with the money I give her. She says she will get an apartment but no one will realistically rent to her and Los Angeles has a severe shortage of affordable apartments. I told her I would help her more if she sees a psychiatrist but she refuses. She says I have the problem, not her. Under the laws of Conservatorship in California the person has to be "gravely disabled". If she can beg for food or pay for it with my money she is not considered gravely disabled. She also is able to buy clothes, but often has holes in her clothes. I would have to cut her off entirely which is hard for me to do. I am considering doing that, but her sister would be very upset with me and I want to maintain that relationship because she is the mother of my only grandchildren. We have tried outreach social workers, but my homeless daughter will just run in the other direction. we even offered to put her in a condo we almost bought, but she refused to live there because "she didn't pick it out herself". Also she wanted to be the sole owner. She says she doesn't want to live in my county. So she takes the train 50 miles once a month from LA to Orange County to visit me overnight, once a month.

 

[Crayola13]

I’m so sorry. She definitely sounds paranoid. Do you suspect schizophrenia? I get the impression she was never fully evaluated by a specialist.

 

[Looking For Hope]

I’m so sorry. She definitely sounds paranoid. Do you suspect schizophrenia? I get the impression she was never fully evaluated by a specialist.

She had one examination 10 years ago. The diagnosis was bi-polar disorder. But according to therapists I have spoken to for myself, their belief is that she has schizotypal personality disorder. It really describes much of her behavior. She thinks completed unrelated events are causing difficult problems in her life. She could have more than one behavior issue. We just don't know for sure. She is also very bright in some ways and can function when she has to.

 

[Nomad]

Welcome. We never truly wanted a conservator ship type of situation as the truth is you have no control of your adult child and I suppose it could present legal problems under certain circumstances.

It sounds like you have a more or less ok situation set up now. We find it best to set up boundaries and stick to them. Not permitting any abusive behavior at all.
We’ve had some therapy over the years and it’s been very helpful. These things are deeply private, personal and painful. We also went to a few meetings of Families Anonymous and like their literature. We’ve set up a lot of boundaries now, especially after a deeply troubling incident. Boundaries are imperative.

Just saw…our adult child has a little similar behaviors/diagnosis. Very very difficult stuff.

As a new person, remember to do your best to protect your identity …not mentioning any identifying info like your state, jobs etc.