12 step program and Alanon...
- Thread starter ksm
- Start date
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Yes. The two youngest are half sisters. Biomom doesn't seem to have a clue as to oldest DGD' bio father. Before she had the baby...my son met her when she was problem 2 or 3 months pregnant. She hid pregnancy and continued to drink and use drugs. Then there are two older boys...28 and 20. Different fathers for those too.
My son told me before she had older DGD that the child would be biracial...she wasn't. Blonde hair and green eyes. Then she said it was a guy she stayed with for a few months. She gav a first name. Can't remember the last. SMH...
The oldest brothers father isn't really his father...and he has never been told that. And I was told not to tell him. His step mom raised him, and his dad has been gone for over 12 years. Step mom actually went to court and legally adopted him at age 28.
Next brother was placed with his bio dad at age 8. He didn't meet him until their year in foster care. Bio dads new wife adopted him.
Ksm
I think that the high failure rate in AA is due to the fact that many of the people who attend the meetings are required to do so through their rehab programs or are court-ordered to do so as part of their probation.
AA doesn't work for people who do not really want to change. For those that do, it can be a life saver. My daughter is testament to that. She tried AA many times while in rehab programs and always poo pooed the 12 step program. She didn't like it because it was religious, boring, too many rules, etc.
When she finally decided to become sober and work the program, it was a miracle. She became wholly invested in the meetings, got a sponsor, worked through the 12-steps with her sponsor, attended multiple meetings a week, and is now a sponsor for others.
Her home group became her social group and provides sober activities. She laughingly told me that she had attended a cook-out with 40 former heroin addicts. I was appalled at the thought until I realized those are the only people who can truly understand her situation and can help encourage her sobriety.
When we met last Sunday for a Father's day lunch, she told us that she had been struggling the last two weeks and asked if I had noticed. I told her that I had only noticed that I hadn't heard from her as much. She said that was because she didn't want to worry me that she was struggling so she had turned to her sponsor and friends in her recovery group to help her through the rough patch.
That was huge! In the past, I was always the one that she turned to when she was having problems and I had always tried to fix her problems for her. My therapist pointed out how co-dependent that was. Now my daughter has other people in her life that she can turn to and wanted to shield me from worry. I can't even begin to tell you what a big change that is in our relationship.
So I am a big believer in AA but it doesn't work unless the addict/substance abuser truly wants to change and is willing to totally embrace the program. Addicts call it surrender . . . to get to the point where they admit what they were doing wasn't working for them and are willing to follow the program.
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Please please please investigate other alanon meetings!!! Just because that meeting didn't feel right doesn't mean others won't help. Each and every single meeting is different. Even meetings at that church at different times will be different. Why? They will have different people in them. It can totally change the dynamic.
I guess no one has told you what ALL newcomers are supposed to be told. Please, for the first month, try to go to 30 meetings in 30 days, (or try to go to 30 meetings in 60 days as I find it more reasonable for families) but each meeting should be in a different place or at a different time from the ones you have gone to before. This helps you find that meeting that will help you. The setting where you feel more at home. The one where YOU can be helped.
They read from the book and that is all they did at that meeting because that is how they were comfortable. In other meetings, other things will go on, but you have to go to those meetings to find them. The beginnings are mostly read from the book as that is how they are started, but after that it can be different depending on what is going on. So it can be VERY different.
Please don't give up after one meeting, or stick to this one place and time because it is easy and convenient even though it doesn't really fit you. Explore your community because you might find a group that really, truly helps. Each meeting is different, even if some of the same people are in the meeting. I don't know if alanon will end up being what will help you, but if you only go to this one meeting, you won't know if it could help you either. My husband's favorite meeting was one I could NOT stand, and that did not help me at all. My favorite meeting was one he got nothing out of. It actually was great, because then one of us could stay home with the kids while the other got a break and a meeting. We actually budgeted about 2-3 hours per meeting so that a real break could be had - meeting and a walk in the park or trip to the library or cup of coffee or whatever.
I am truly sorry that your DGD is so deep in her sub abuse. I doubt she is near ready to get clean. I think she may need to see that you are serious, and she likely needs to go to a foster home, that sort of serious shock, deep change, to get that you are not just going "wah wah wah" like Charlie Brown's teacher. She will be hugely angry at you, but if you want to save her life, then I doubt that you have any other choices. She clearly isn't serious about IOP. I think you are wasting your money on the IOP. YOu should tell the judge you have paid out of pocket for IOP, and she is still abusing substances she is sneaking into your home.
By the way, she is on house arrest and you are letting her have friends over and trying to make it fun? What are you thinking? Why are you doing this? Where is your head? If she wants fun she can play a game of dominos with her grandma who has given EVERYTHING to make her life decent. Until she has cleaned up her act, she has not one person in her life currently other than her family that she needs to see. She does not have a decent friend that you want in your home or her life. Stop inviting these influences into her life. Do you intend to purposely sabotage everything you are trying to do? Cut off her social media and computer access if you have to limit the computer to your bedroom with no wireless router and only a wired one to a computer in your bedroom. Nail her dang window shut. Go through her room and strip the dang thing of EVERYTHING but what a foster kid would have. Make sure she doesn't have a lighter or anything else up there, and then make sure she can't get out that window. Then don 't let her friends anywhere NEAR your home. Don't make them a reward for good behavior, that is what ice cream is for.
I am not joking. If you want to stop this, you have GOT to change her world radically. I think foster care may be an option, but even that puts her around kids who are using substances more often than not. It isn't going to put her around kids who are good kids. I am sorry to be harsh with the paragraph above, but my dad taught the gang kids and that is what he would have told you. He would have said it with love, but with tough love, even the part about ice cream.
I guess no one has told you what ALL newcomers are supposed to be told. Please, for the first month, try to go to 30 meetings in 30 days, (or try to go to 30 meetings in 60 days as I find it more reasonable for families) but each meeting should be in a different place or at a different time from the ones you have gone to before. This helps you find that meeting that will help you. The setting where you feel more at home. The one where YOU can be helped.
They read from the book and that is all they did at that meeting because that is how they were comfortable. In other meetings, other things will go on, but you have to go to those meetings to find them. The beginnings are mostly read from the book as that is how they are started, but after that it can be different depending on what is going on. So it can be VERY different.
Please don't give up after one meeting, or stick to this one place and time because it is easy and convenient even though it doesn't really fit you. Explore your community because you might find a group that really, truly helps. Each meeting is different, even if some of the same people are in the meeting. I don't know if alanon will end up being what will help you, but if you only go to this one meeting, you won't know if it could help you either. My husband's favorite meeting was one I could NOT stand, and that did not help me at all. My favorite meeting was one he got nothing out of. It actually was great, because then one of us could stay home with the kids while the other got a break and a meeting. We actually budgeted about 2-3 hours per meeting so that a real break could be had - meeting and a walk in the park or trip to the library or cup of coffee or whatever.
I am truly sorry that your DGD is so deep in her sub abuse. I doubt she is near ready to get clean. I think she may need to see that you are serious, and she likely needs to go to a foster home, that sort of serious shock, deep change, to get that you are not just going "wah wah wah" like Charlie Brown's teacher. She will be hugely angry at you, but if you want to save her life, then I doubt that you have any other choices. She clearly isn't serious about IOP. I think you are wasting your money on the IOP. YOu should tell the judge you have paid out of pocket for IOP, and she is still abusing substances she is sneaking into your home.
By the way, she is on house arrest and you are letting her have friends over and trying to make it fun? What are you thinking? Why are you doing this? Where is your head? If she wants fun she can play a game of dominos with her grandma who has given EVERYTHING to make her life decent. Until she has cleaned up her act, she has not one person in her life currently other than her family that she needs to see. She does not have a decent friend that you want in your home or her life. Stop inviting these influences into her life. Do you intend to purposely sabotage everything you are trying to do? Cut off her social media and computer access if you have to limit the computer to your bedroom with no wireless router and only a wired one to a computer in your bedroom. Nail her dang window shut. Go through her room and strip the dang thing of EVERYTHING but what a foster kid would have. Make sure she doesn't have a lighter or anything else up there, and then make sure she can't get out that window. Then don 't let her friends anywhere NEAR your home. Don't make them a reward for good behavior, that is what ice cream is for.
I am not joking. If you want to stop this, you have GOT to change her world radically. I think foster care may be an option, but even that puts her around kids who are using substances more often than not. It isn't going to put her around kids who are good kids. I am sorry to be harsh with the paragraph above, but my dad taught the gang kids and that is what he would have told you. He would have said it with love, but with tough love, even the part about ice cream.
