15yo no control

[BusynMember]

Copa is smart. Use with caution. We contacted the police twice. My kid was under 18. The justice system tried very hard to work with her rather than punish her. Her female parole officer told me she was a good kid who she believed would turn around. She was right!

Now if my kids had hit me, I would have probably called the police even as adults, which could have given them a record, but that didnt happen to us. But we dont tolerate physical violence...so...I am glad we didnt have to call the cops on our over 18 kids becsuse if they struck us or stole from us...we would have done so. We believe in consequences for crime and my kids knew it. Maybe thats why nothing like that ever happened.. who can guess?

I only know they were aware that there were certain boundaries that we would not tolerate them crossing, even for them, our beloved children. No child, adult or younger, is learning acceptable behavior if they abuse us and we let them get away with it. A stranger, who could well be the next victim, wont go easy on our kids...they need to know.

Jmo

 

[Tired out]

DO NOT beat yourself up for working.
I was a stay at home mom. My so still started with all the bull at 13. He sounds much like yours. Mine is 21, he doesn't live at home. I hear from him occasionally. He has an apartment. He has a full time job. How long any of it will last is anyone's guess. I read the threads here..always thinking I did something wrong. But then I read..someone here invariably did what I thought I should have done, however their outcome is the same as ours. I think of another way I could of handle it..low and behold..someone here did it that way..still same outcome.

Good luck, prayers and hugs. I hope your son turns around and for some reason sees straightens out.

 

[Nopeacenohope]

Look. There is always something. You need to try very hard to not blame yourself because it does not help at all.

Personally, I think that for now it might be a good thing to not get into high conflict discussions with him. He will not sink or swim based on an hour more or less of online school, on one particular day. I might put it to him this way: OK. What is your plan to get the hours in? Have it worked out with him in advance what are his goal for the day and week , and let him come up with a plan. And then it is on him.

My son went to school for independent learners where he could got credit for all sorts of independent activities. He learned foreign languages independently and got credit. He studied martial arts and got credit. Could this happen for your son? I think nothing or little gained by his being chained to the computer. Little for him and nothing for you.

Thank you we meet with therapist last night and discussed all his options and got my son's input on what he feels he would be successful with. He also told us to come up with a plan for working on the school and consequences where it's do it or face consequences no nagging or fighting - I do think he needs to get out and do something like marital arts what school was this?

 

[Nopeacenohope]

This is a tough decision with no one right answer but if I had to do it over again I would probably involve the law more at this stage. Because it gets so much worse once they are 18. They need to understand that and get on the right road before they have adult consequences. But It’s hard to predict outcomes. Sometimes scared straight tactics work. Sometimes it only makes them madder and more defiant. Do you feel like the case worker and judicial system where you are are generally supportive and on your side as a concerned parent? Then maybe lean on them more.



Please dont go there. Most of us had to work. I had to work full time. We needed the money. It wasn’t a choice. I worked a demanding job out of the house at that time. Once they aged out of after school care, there were no good options. I always felt like it was worse having them home along at that age than it would have been at 8 or 9 in some ways! We all do what we have to do for our families, and for most of us that means working. I freelance from home now, and sometimes I entertain the thought that it would have been better if I’d been doing the back then. But there is no guarantee it would have been. As someone pointed out above, they will find a way if that’s what they want.

Does he have a vision for what he wants for himself as an adult? Does he want to go to college or learn a trade? Does he dream of living independently with his own apartment and money? What motivates him?

Asking him now he has no motivation, well except to get away from this house to do as he pleases. He has no idea what he wants down the road

 

[Nopeacenohope]

This seems like a little but it is a whole lot. Because if he and you are able to get through this more or less intact there is the future ahead of you. These things are accomplished sometimes day by day.
Elsi here is talking about involving the police or probation. The thing is you lose control.

This is the horribleness of all of this: there is no control over outcome. There is great need and fear, but no control. Not over him. Not over any official who could help or could torpedo the situation.
Even anticipating support and assistance it is still a wild card. I think we have no choice when there is violence or threats of same. But the belief (or hope) that somebody like police or a government employee will help? It is fifty fifty at best, I think.

There are social worker type people who specialize in working with families in this situation. Training parents, acting as a buffer, working with the kids, developing accountability and a plan, helping the family system to change and to heal. Could you try to find somebody like this?

I agree that letting the courts in let's us lose control my husband and I did decide that for right now we will keep working with therpay but however if he finds himself in trouble we will not help him this time he will have to deal with the outcome.