19 Yr Old

[DrPepper]

I'm new here, but have been dealing with my difficult child and his issues for quite some time. He is on some prescribed medications for anxiety and depression, but sometimes I'm not really sure he needs them. In fact, I'm not really sure that every thing he does isn't a calculated, manipulated move. Sometimes he sleeps all day. He plays computer games much of the time--we don't have game systems in the house anymore. He has always been addicted to them. He is working a part time job, but doesn't show much enthusiasm for it. He says he's glad to be working so that he can buy xmas presents this year, but i suspect he's spent his entire first paycheck on ?? I knew this would happen, anticipated it would happen. I kicked him out once, packed up his stuff and changed the garage code to get in. He was back the next day, but I want him out. I REALLY want him out. I keep replaying how he grew up, should I have been stricter? I examine pictures of him when he was little looking for answers why he turned out this way. Have two good kids so things couldn't have been all that bad. I have been reading all your posts and understanding the anguish you're all going through. How can you love your kid to death?? It is terrible to feel ashamed of your kid.

 

[Hound dog]

Welcome to the board DrPepper

Yup. I totally agree it's terrible to feel ashamed of your kid. I have one I'm ashamed of. I look at her adult behavior and I find myself amazed. I didn't raise her per se, but her biomom was maybe not the brightest bulb in the box but she wasn't bad either, and we did our best by her when she visited us. And I know how she was raised and it was nothing like what she's doing to her own kids.

If you really do want your son out, then set a move out date and make it so. As an adult child it is a privilege to live at home, not a right. It's not being mean or heartless or cruel. It's telling him simply that the time has come for him to grow up. Alot of kids need this push from the nest.

My adult kids had rules to follow. First one being to pay rent. It's just not a free ride as an adult. It's pay rent or go to school full time with passing grades.

If we keep the status quo once they turn into adults.......what motivation is there to move out and make their own life. I mean I know most kids can't wait to do exactly that, but for the kid with lack of desire there is just no motivation to do so.

As for us parents, we do the best we can with what we know at the time. That you're here, tells me you care enough to look for answers. That he's being treated does too. So that alone says alot. Once they turn 18 we have no more control over what they do. From then on it's their ballgame.

Hugs

 

[BusynMember]

Since my daughter acted like that when she was on drugs (up all night to get high and crashing all day to sleep, but she did have a job), I am wondering if he may be taking recreational drugs and/or drinking a lot. Kids are very sneaky about it. Although I loved my daughter to death, I was afraid she'd kill herself if she didn't change so she could not live under my eyes while she destroyed herself. She did quit!

 

[compassion]

I think guilt is so destructive. I personally think brains are wired differently. I am still in process to lower my expecatations, be realsitic. I have a similar ssituation with a son who is 21 and he is not functioing very high right now. He has one week left of 2 classes (Junior in college). We are paying for him to get unarmed secuity license so he will have a skill to get a job. I have to set very clear boundaries as he is very impulsive and will spend as soon as he has it. I donot live under the dame roof which helps a lot but the patience it takes for the baby steps is incrdible. If he reallyh cannot do the traing and then do the steps to get a job, we will push harder for treatment. He said he was very depressed last month. It has been about qa year since he has really worked. Full time college was sttempted but he has barely gone at all and do not know if he is going to pass. I want to be firm, yet compassionate.
I try to stay positve. I donot think shame is helpful.
I try to stay a hopeful advocate.

 

[dashcat]

Dr. Pepper,
I've been down the guilt highway myself. Please, do yourself a favor and go into counseling ...even if it's just short term. It will help you to deal with these feelings. For every story of a difficult child raised in a loving and stable home, there is a story of a kid who was raised in a dysfunctional environment who has turned out fine. Yes, what we do makes a difference ... to a degree, but a child born with difficult child wiring is never, ever going to bend to their environment. Nurture is a strong, determining factor in most cases, but nature wins when you're dealing with a difficult child.
Dash

 

[buddy]

Hi, Welcome.... I dont have a child of this age, but can certainly feel for some of the "regrets" that you have. We all have those I think, or at least doubts about if we could have done it differently. I go there at times, but really do quickly let others talk me out of that or shake myself out of it. I am willing to learn from those times, not do them again, hopefully...

It is really hard to feel shameful about your child. My son is neurologically impaired, and even though I know in my head he can help it no more than someone who had their brain injury affect their arms and legs, I have to face the real world every day.... those who see him caling me an n word, bword in public. Watching him get louder and louder because he can see the panic and/or anger in my face no matter how hard I try to keep my expression and tone of voice neutral. It is embarassing. I am growing rhino skin and I hope you can do it too....

 

[Star*]

Hi Dr. Pepper,

Oh the guilt......I love you.....NOW GET OUT! I'm old, I'm tired, I've raised my children, wiped 100 noses, changed 100 diapers, driven 1,000,00 miles to school, stood in the rain, the sleet, the snow, cleaned up vomit, cleaned your room, did your laundry, packed a thousand lunches, signed a billion forms and now I'd like a little free time to myself because I am STILL working and what do YOU do????? YOU work a measly part time job, lay around MY house all day, eat MY groceries, use MY electricity, take a shower with my water, use up MY soap, ask me to buy YOUR deoderant, YOUR hair gel, YOUR underpants, YOUR jeans, YOUR t-shirts, YOUR shave cream, YOUR razors, YOUR Ipod, YOUR heat, YOUR gas and play YOUR video games and what thanks do I GET??? I have to BEG you to take out the trash =--MOST of which is YOURS from those bloody Tonys totino pizza rolls and those GAWD awful Hot pockets......and soda cans.......OH LORD how GUILTY DO I FEEL NOW I JUST WANT PEACE AND QUIET AND A CLEAN HOUSE WITH MY OWN TRASH AND ONE TOWEL IN THE BATHROOM AND THE TOILET SEAT DOWN!!!!!!! DOWN I TELL YOU! AND A DRY FLOOR IN THE BATHROOM THAT DOESN"T SMELL LIKE BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!...........ahhhhhh (runs away screaming)))

Yeah - And he's what???? 19.........okay lets just let this goooooo Oooooooooooooooh say for another year........and lets do this all over again when he's TWENTY (claps and cheers like a silly little monkey) re-read the top paragraph......but NOW? He's 20 years old and a little grumpier.....and you're a little nuttier......and a LOT more tired.....M....Kay? Still feeling the guilt? Not so much huh? Okay --------lets just let this gooooooooo ohhhh say for ANOTHER YEAR......and lets do this all over again when he is TWENTY ONE (claps and cheers like a really silly little monkey) re-read the first paragraph....but now? He's 21, and brings home a girl and tells YOU she's going to STAY and you're not doing anything about it because HE is 21 (whoopie) and now he is legal to drink alcohol......and you are a LOT nuttier...and WAY more tired......Okay NOW how about that GUILT? Are you feeling it? (mmmmm Didn't think so) Yeah because ...............

Because YOU were a SMART SCHMARTY SCHMART SCHMART Dr. Pepper and YOU........came to the CD Board in 2011 when your son was NINETEEN and you said "OMG I need help I want him out, and I don't want to feel guilty.......and a very wise bunch of women said to you........" (a lot of stuff) and a very SMART Dashcat said to you "GET THEE TO A COUNSELOR" and Star seconded that motion - because .......why? Because YOU NEED to figure out what it is in your psyche that keeps you from saying things like

"BOY - you are 19 years old....laying around all day - PLAYING video games and I think it's BS -----You have exactly two months (EIGHT WEEKS) to get your butt in gear, find a full time job or another part time job, save your money and find a place to live - PRONTO TONTO because the Gravy Train is done......and I'm turning your bedroom into a candle dipping studio complete with hot wax...and therefore you may no longer inhabit that room (or something like that) and I WILL NOT feel guilty because I DID AN EXCELLENT job raising you......and NOW it's time for you to spread your little wings bird -----and FLY." and NO you will NOT return home-----you will TOUGH it out..."

And in the MEAN time -----LOVELY Dr. P.....you will attend therapy with a doctor that will listen to you CRY -----about your empty nest 0 because it stinks...and it hurts and you WILL feel a twinge of JOY and ELATIONS but on the same token you will feel slight guilt and cry - and you'll need a PROFESSIONAL to listen to you - BECAUSE (and this is MUI IMPORTANTE) ......YOUR Best friends - DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THIS DRIBBLE.....YOUR FAMILY, DOES NOT WANT TO HEAR YOUR DRIBBLE AND CRYING......to them ? Its NOT TALK For doughnuts and coffee or bagles.....DO NOT DISCUSS THIS WITH THEM......talk about the weather or the shopping or music - BUT NOT THIS......YOU WILL DRIVE THEM: AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY..........fast and furious. DO NOT TALK TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER - take him with you if possible TO counseling or her - whatever the case......BUT DO NOT cry about this to loved ones children........family. THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE A THERAPIST that helps you level the playing field. DO NOT TALK TO CO WORKERS - TRUST ME - they will avoid you like the plague. NO ONE wants to hear about this......

WE DO-------we live it 24/7 - and we (DETACH 101) and practice it here on Parents Emeritus........it is how we survive......that and support each other with excellent advice.

Now - do we always take it? Of course not. (snort)

But.......it's tried and true..........and it helps........and we're here......occasionally we get in a laugh....or two......I mean heck we raised teenagers and we're mostly bald and still go out in public - WE ARE TOUGH.

SO - Warrior Mom.........

What's it going to be?

I fell '(said in whimpy voice) I FEEL GUILTY?????????? or

I HAVE A CANDLE DIPPING ROOM AND I FEEL EMPOWERED TO GO BUY SOME WAX!!!!!!!!!!!

ps. You both will survive.........

Hugs & Love
Star I passed my rhino skin onto several members of the board years ago - and put on full body kevlar.

 

[gottaloveem]

((((STAR)))) OMG! what a great angle.

Dr. Pepper, keep coming here, these ladies will help you develop into the warrior mom you now need to be.

Love,
Lia

 

[buddy]

I love star*. Listen to these folks. I am feeling so blessed to have their guidance. I know everyone's situation is different, but the bottom line is decisions have to be made and we have to look realistically inward and outward to do the right thing to help our kids move forward.

 

[DrPepper]

Wow Star, you are so poignant, but you are right, right, right and I needed that slap in the face and dose of reality. And you missed that he leaves tobacco chew bottles hidden around the house that smell like death and sometimes poo remnants on the toilet (believe me, I know this is gross). Side note: Tobacco chew is bought with money stolen from me and his little brother. I will tell you that we painted his room a lovely shade of blue and let him start decorating with sports pictures, etc. I know with every fiber of my being that this was wrong, wrong, wrong. I wanted the room to be fresh of the stagnation he trails and in some ways was hoping it would be a fresh start for him. I know I kid myself. If you have any more advice on how to get to the point of getting him out, I'm all ears.

 

[Star*]

Peppie -

After a while? Blunt isn't a laced cigar - you just don't have time for poo poo advice. lol. As far as the stolen money? I think that would set my hair on fire. I know it would, and with that? I put locks on all our doors, put any and all cash and loose coin in a safe, put Master brand locks on all our out buildings, changed the codes to all the alarms, put anti-credit card slip window locks (because most window locks can be opened with a library card) on all our windows, planted holly and cacti under most of our windows put bicycle chain locks on all the ladders put pad locks on all the gates and basically told difficult child - WHEN I AM HOME? I don't trust you - I'll be watching every move and if you steal from ME? I'll turn you in. This was NOT a lie because when he did steal? We turned him into the police and he now has a felony record. We hid nothing. Probably not our greatest parent moment and no, I'm not sure if I had it to do over I'd do the same thing - what's done is done. But for my sanity? If it was of value? It went in a box, and got locked up in a room and to this day is still locked up and boxed up. My house looks like I could move any day - Got used to it that way - and I'm too tired or was too depressed at one time to unbox it. He's been out three years. Now I'd like to move.

As far as his room? Well he shared it with his brother (our son that died -not my natural born son but our son all the same) and it took me nearly two years to change a thing. I cried the day I painted the walls. He had called me, asked me why I was crying - I told him; we talked, and it was a good conversation. When he left? He told us he wanted to go live with his bio-dad. Okay - since you don't know me - this was NOT a good thing. Bio dad is a psychopath/sociopath/drug addict/woman abuser with a long history of nearly everything bad and a prison record. The man superceded abuse and was torturous to both myself and my son "Dude" and I left, went into hiding for nearly 15 years. So imagine MY horror when he decided to go live with this monster. After only three weeks of being there the lovely Daddy Disney had stolen, lied, manipulated and instead of providing the loving home from an absence of 15 years without a son he longed for -he broke what little he did have then proceeded to beat my son with his fists and a baseball bat. This ridiculous dance of a relationship would last another year and a half with his provisions of a home and food /lifestyle being dumpster diving for food - no electricity, no water, no clean clothes, and a roach and rat infested, house with drug addicts and police, swat teams and things you only see on episodes of COPS - once again - in the mix - my son not believing me - he chose that life and went off with his little dog to live in the park, under bridges, couch surf, and found out that eating out of dumpsters, trash cans, dining and dashing - and just not being taken care of - and loved was NOT a life. When he did call - he was too ashamed to ask for anything. In three years I only sent one box of clothes for an interview - NO CHristmas or birthday -----NOTHING. This was tough love at it's finest. Twice we sent money because he was starving and had just gotten out of the hospital. (verified of course) - needed prescriptions - and then we told him where to go and paid for those over the phone. I did pay three times for his phone bill to make sure I knew he was alive - considering whom he was living with and around? I felt that was imperative.

NOW? He's greatful and honest about his life. He's trying - and wants things in life. He isn't perfect, but I don't get the foul language, I don't get the in your face BS, and while I still get the depression I don't get the player who manipulates me I get an honest person who has issues and depression - who can be suicidal, but tries to cope the best way he can and admits he has problems and needs help - but struggles. He's drug free, and for that we're blessed.

As for coming home? He'd love to - He's told us that, but also told us he KNOWS it will never happen, he's 21, and he's a grown man and has to make it on his own now....this is on him. To hear that? Was nothing short of amazing.....I'm not saying again - he's fixed or cured or over the top ------I AM saying he's trying harder and we are proud of him. He's proud of himself for the first time in a long time because the things he's doing now? He's doing ON HIS OWN....that counts for a lot. There is no time for laying around, playing games, eating my food......not helping out....being mouthy......He's on his own and is responsible for it all......and that's not easy and now he knows it. Reality bites and it took a big old bite right out of his backside and while it absolutely killed me to close my eyes and let it happen because I really do NOT know any other kid that I feel as sorry for as I do my own so for the things that have happened to in a persons life ? I had to let this happen....I had to let go - I had to let God.....and I had to quit butting in.....

DId it kill me? ABSOLUTELY. Did I WANT to rush in and down and save him and fix it, and send cash and food and save the day - and on and on and did it make me physically ill to hear "I just had a meal out of a dumpster?" - (pauses to get tissue) Yes. And no - because HE made the decision to do all these things - I mean maccaroni and hotdogs are not necessarily the grandest meal but when you are trying to provide for all the things a teen needs and not give to yourself so you can stretch a buck------yeah I think that's better than a dumpster meal. I just had to know -------THIS is his life......I've lived mine. I made my mistakes -and now he gets the chance to have his stories to tell in ten years....to his friends about Yeah when I was a teen.......a real idiot....and probably none of it will be "But thanks to my MOM." lol It's just the part I get to play -

So as far as getting your son out?
Get yourself a therapist....first
Talk about the EXIT plan with him/her......HONESTLY - it's the best plan....
Stick to your plan........
Stick to your plan.........
Stick to your plan........
Come here for support.......
Don't chicken out..............
Be empowered by the stories of the other parents here.........and know it CAN be done......you CAN do it.......it DOES stink........THEY DO survive........and you WILL make it........so will THEY.

And read the post and do the things suggested.......starting with locks on the doors.....and keep the keys on your wrist........and hide all your money and get yourself a safe......get in the habit of locking your door even if you only plan on being out for a second...make it a good lock too.....the cheap ones they can get in and out of with a library card too.....trust me - I raised Houdini.....

Hugs

 

[DrPepper]

Star, it sounds like you've been dealt some hard knocks in life but that you're in a much better place now. That is good. I hope to get to that place someday myself. It won't be today. I wanted my son out and he's out tonight as per my new thread. ((sigh))

 

[Star*]

You are doing FANTASTIC........

Your journey like anyone elses starts with the first step. So does your sons. It's just scary for him like it was for anyone elses. They just have less coping skills than most kids, and they believe that they are angry at the entire world. When they figure out they're angry with themselves and start doing something about it? Their feet hit the ground a little softer and start taking them in a better direction. Then? We sleep easier at night.

Hugs.

 

[DrPepper]

Dash, I think I will go into counseling. My son's psychiatrist and therapist have probably been doing more for me than him up until now. I may join an Al-Anon group too. I don't really understand this difficult child wiring, I mean, why do some people end up this way? I would think it was me or my husband, but I have two other kids and they are great people. To some extent, our difficult child, was always a little one off in his behavior. We were always afraid of what would happen after high school for him. Never thought it would end up this bad, by any stretch of the imagination.