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Parent Emeritus
21 Year old homeless and about to lose custody of newborn
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 724193" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome rebelmommy. I'm sorry you're going thru so much with your daughter. As you can see, you're not alone.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is a very challenging path. We cannot respond to our adult difficult children in the typical supportive, loving ways, which is very difficult to begin with...... we have to learn how to respond quite differently. Your daughter manipulates and abuses you and others to get her way. This is not typical behavior, it requires a different response. We parents have to learn how to set strong, impenetrable boundaries, to say no as a complete sentence, to detach from our kids actions, behaviors and choices and to re-learn how to focus on ourselves. The constant worry, fear and grief you mention is a distinct part of this path, which is why most of us seek support, it is very hard.</p><p></p><p>You might gain solace in reading the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. You might also gain a fresh perspective from the book Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. The organization NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness offers courses for us parents which provide information, resources, guidance and support. You can access them online, they have chapters in most cities. Many of us seek professional support, a therapist, a therapist run support group, someone who can help us navigate this terrain..... a place where we can vent, feel safe, discover solutions, gain knowledge and learn how to make the necessary changes so we can begin thriving and finding our own joy and peace.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is an adult woman who is abusing you. At some point, she has to suffer the consequences of her own choices and behaviors. You cannot fix this for her, you didn't cause it, nor can you control it. The only one who can make the necessary changes is your daughter and the likelihood is that she will not. So you have to do the changing. Our adult troubled kids generally make NO changes whatsoever until we begin the process of detaching and allowing them to handle their own messes. Either way, it becomes necessary for us to disengage from the dramas and behaviors for our own sanity and well being. We have to learn how to accept what we can't change and learn to live in the uncertainty that our kids bring to the table. It's not easy. But it's doable.</p><p></p><p>Continue posting, it helps to write our stories down and have others get it and in a non judgmental way, hear us and respond. It generally becomes imperative for us to seek support for the changes we must make, or we will continue to be dragged down the rabbit hole with our kids. You matter. You deserve a calm, peaceful, joyful life, you do not deserve to be treated in the way your daughter treats you. Don't allow it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 724193, member: 13542"] Welcome rebelmommy. I'm sorry you're going thru so much with your daughter. As you can see, you're not alone. This is a very challenging path. We cannot respond to our adult difficult children in the typical supportive, loving ways, which is very difficult to begin with...... we have to learn how to respond quite differently. Your daughter manipulates and abuses you and others to get her way. This is not typical behavior, it requires a different response. We parents have to learn how to set strong, impenetrable boundaries, to say no as a complete sentence, to detach from our kids actions, behaviors and choices and to re-learn how to focus on ourselves. The constant worry, fear and grief you mention is a distinct part of this path, which is why most of us seek support, it is very hard. You might gain solace in reading the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. You might also gain a fresh perspective from the book Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. The organization NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness offers courses for us parents which provide information, resources, guidance and support. You can access them online, they have chapters in most cities. Many of us seek professional support, a therapist, a therapist run support group, someone who can help us navigate this terrain..... a place where we can vent, feel safe, discover solutions, gain knowledge and learn how to make the necessary changes so we can begin thriving and finding our own joy and peace. Your daughter is an adult woman who is abusing you. At some point, she has to suffer the consequences of her own choices and behaviors. You cannot fix this for her, you didn't cause it, nor can you control it. The only one who can make the necessary changes is your daughter and the likelihood is that she will not. So you have to do the changing. Our adult troubled kids generally make NO changes whatsoever until we begin the process of detaching and allowing them to handle their own messes. Either way, it becomes necessary for us to disengage from the dramas and behaviors for our own sanity and well being. We have to learn how to accept what we can't change and learn to live in the uncertainty that our kids bring to the table. It's not easy. But it's doable. Continue posting, it helps to write our stories down and have others get it and in a non judgmental way, hear us and respond. It generally becomes imperative for us to seek support for the changes we must make, or we will continue to be dragged down the rabbit hole with our kids. You matter. You deserve a calm, peaceful, joyful life, you do not deserve to be treated in the way your daughter treats you. Don't allow it. [/QUOTE]
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21 Year old homeless and about to lose custody of newborn
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