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21 Year old homeless and about to lose custody of newborn
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 724197" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hello Rebel and G,</p><p>Welcome to the forum and so sorry for your need to be here. It is hard enough to have d cs going off the deep end, add grands in the mix and it is an unfathomable issue.</p><p>This is not how we raised our kids, this is not what we imagined facing as grandparents.</p><p> Yet, here we are.</p><p>I have three grands and have been through some horrible ordeals with their parents. </p><p>My grands are living with their paternal grandparents and it is where they want to be. </p><p>I thank God that they are safe. </p><p>I don't know where their parents are, out there somewhere, lost in a drug haze, trying to find themselves.</p><p></p><p></p><p>You are right, you cant go through that again, me too. </p><p>I can't put my son through that. </p><p>I can't allow my house to be turned upside down with the chaos and turmoil.</p><p> It is a hard reality, but, <em>my daughter does not get well in my home. </em></p><p>Attempts to leave her abusive boyfriend were only met with him ending up in my home, and the battles fought in front of our eyes.</p><p> It put us all in danger, exposed to violence. </p><p>We tried to involve authorities to no avail.</p><p>My home was in turmoil.......... </p><p>and my son grew up witnessing horrible things.</p><p></p><p>Unacceptable.</p><p> </p><p>I am glad you found us too, RM.</p><p>You are not alone.</p><p>I had to choose.</p><p>Peace.</p><p>I had to, for my son's sake, and mine, </p><p>I had to take back my home and regain the sanctity and security.</p><p>We had years of the revolving door comings and goings, </p><p>around the drama that ensues drug addiction and domestic violence.</p><p>The grandkids did not respect our home, just as their parents did not.</p><p>They did not respect my son.</p><p><em> It is not their fault, they were just following their parents lead</em>.</p><p>When we did try to keep the grands here, their mom would defiantly say</p><p> "They are not your kids!" and take them.</p><p>It was true, they were not my kids. </p><p>Even though they have been through so much with their parents, </p><p>CPS would step in, </p><p>They mandated counseling,</p><p>a bandaid on an open, infected wound.</p><p>The parents went to counseling, and cleaned up just enough to hang on to the kids.</p><p>For the food stamps.</p><p>They are cash cows in the system.</p><p>UGH.</p><p>I digress........</p><p></p><p>The cycle would start all over again.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry RM, it is very, very tough.</p><p>The thing is, we have no control over the decisions of our adult d c's.</p><p>I understand the anxiety of it all, the worry and concern and grieving for the loss of relationship with your daughter and grandson.</p><p></p><p>We have no control over any of it.</p><p>A big, big hurt on the heart.</p><p></p><p>That being written, worry and anxiety are stresses that are so very harmful to our health.</p><p><em>It does nothing to help the situation,</em> and it hurts you.</p><p></p><p>Mentally and physically.</p><p></p><p>When my mind turns to worry, I say a prayer. If you believe in a higher power, this can be very helpful.</p><p>If not, there are resources for meditation and ways to shift your focus.</p><p></p><p>Please find time to destress and calm your mind.</p><p></p><p>You have two young boys to care for, and you need to be healthy for them, your husband, yourself.</p><p>Focus on them.</p><p>Shifting focus is important.</p><p>You matter.</p><p></p><p>There are things in life we have no control of,</p><p> didn't cause and can't cure.</p><p></p><p>It has been 14 years for all of us.</p><p>If I continued on with the anxiety I felt years ago, I don't think I would be here.</p><p>It is not to say that it will take that long for your daughter to find her true potential. </p><p>I still hold out hope for my two, but I try not to continue to<em> focus</em> on their choices.</p><p> </p><p>It is because they will do what they will do.</p><p></p><p> Very wise words, Swot. Very true.</p><p>There are many families doubling up for various reasons, the economy is hard, jobs can be hard to come by.</p><p>In fact, my Hoku, her boyfriend and baby live under my roof. </p><p>It is not easy, my house is small. </p><p>The difference between her little family living with us and her older sister...........is huge........in attitude and the peace in my home.</p><p>They are respectful.</p><p>Helpful and kind.</p><p></p><p>No one, not our adult children or grandchildren have a right to come into our homes and cause turmoil.</p><p></p><p>Your young boys are your responsibility and deserve all of your attention.</p><p></p><p>I used to think that I could not live well, while my two d cs are out there making the choices they do. </p><p>As I shifted focus, I gave them over to God and still pray daily that they will find their potential. </p><p>I cannot spend time thinking about the what ifs.</p><p> It is what it is. </p><p>I am not cold, or distant, unfeeling.</p><p> In fact I am quite the opposite.</p><p>All of those years I spent in the swirly whirly of it all, caused so much grief and stress.</p><p><em>I lost myself for awhile. </em></p><p>My husband fought illness and passed on.</p><p>It was a hard, hard lesson, </p><p>and still,</p><p> my two in the face of it all, </p><p>continue to make terrible choices.</p><p>I have come to realize that if I laid my life down,</p><p> worrying over them, </p><p>it would not change the fact that they are the captains of their ship, and will sail to where they wish.</p><p></p><p>My going down in the deep dark salty sea of worry, changes nothing.</p><p></p><p>I am working hard, at rebuilding <em>my life.</em></p><p></p><p>My son, now 16, enjoys being at home. </p><p>While my two were in and out, I nearly lost him.</p><p>It wasn't fair to him.</p><p></p><p>I felt as if I had to choose between my kids, my grands.</p><p></p><p>It was not my choice, all along, it was, and is, theirs.</p><p>At home, they would continue on a destructive path, </p><p>taking us all with them.</p><p>That, is unacceptable.</p><p>My Tornado has asked to "come home" a few times since hubs passed. </p><p>I somehow found the strength to say</p><p> "No, you need to go to a DV shelter."</p><p>She didn't.</p><p>She doesn't want to follow rules. </p><p>She wants to go out and party.</p><p>It would be worse for all of us, including her, here.</p><p></p><p>Welcome, G, oh my. That's hard. Number 5.</p><p> I am sorry for your troubles with your daughter. </p><p>I am glad you are able to see your three grands. </p><p>Breaking into your fathers cottage, ugh. </p><p>My two have broken into our home, stolen things. </p><p>It is sad that they would mistreat their own flesh and blood.</p><p> My two are choosing drugs right now.</p><p> It is a cold, hard reality, and I pray that one day, they will wake up from the haze.</p><p> This is good advice.</p><p> As long as our d cs go off the rails, it is important to shift focus to those <em>who are taking responsibility</em>.</p><p> The grandkids know we love them. </p><p>They benefit from stability and reassurance.</p><p>Bless you for being there for your grands.</p><p>I hope you are doing well, you sound strong.</p><p>Welcome. </p><p>G and RM.</p><p>You are both not alone in your struggles.</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 724197, member: 19522"] Hello Rebel and G, Welcome to the forum and so sorry for your need to be here. It is hard enough to have d cs going off the deep end, add grands in the mix and it is an unfathomable issue. This is not how we raised our kids, this is not what we imagined facing as grandparents. Yet, here we are. I have three grands and have been through some horrible ordeals with their parents. My grands are living with their paternal grandparents and it is where they want to be. I thank God that they are safe. I don't know where their parents are, out there somewhere, lost in a drug haze, trying to find themselves. You are right, you cant go through that again, me too. I can't put my son through that. I can't allow my house to be turned upside down with the chaos and turmoil. It is a hard reality, but, [I]my daughter does not get well in my home. [/I] Attempts to leave her abusive boyfriend were only met with him ending up in my home, and the battles fought in front of our eyes. It put us all in danger, exposed to violence. We tried to involve authorities to no avail. My home was in turmoil.......... and my son grew up witnessing horrible things. Unacceptable. I am glad you found us too, RM. You are not alone. I had to choose. Peace. I had to, for my son's sake, and mine, I had to take back my home and regain the sanctity and security. We had years of the revolving door comings and goings, around the drama that ensues drug addiction and domestic violence. The grandkids did not respect our home, just as their parents did not. They did not respect my son. [I] It is not their fault, they were just following their parents lead[/I]. When we did try to keep the grands here, their mom would defiantly say "They are not your kids!" and take them. It was true, they were not my kids. Even though they have been through so much with their parents, CPS would step in, They mandated counseling, a bandaid on an open, infected wound. The parents went to counseling, and cleaned up just enough to hang on to the kids. For the food stamps. They are cash cows in the system. UGH. I digress........ The cycle would start all over again. I am sorry RM, it is very, very tough. The thing is, we have no control over the decisions of our adult d c's. I understand the anxiety of it all, the worry and concern and grieving for the loss of relationship with your daughter and grandson. We have no control over any of it. A big, big hurt on the heart. That being written, worry and anxiety are stresses that are so very harmful to our health. [I]It does nothing to help the situation,[/I] and it hurts you. Mentally and physically. When my mind turns to worry, I say a prayer. If you believe in a higher power, this can be very helpful. If not, there are resources for meditation and ways to shift your focus. Please find time to destress and calm your mind. You have two young boys to care for, and you need to be healthy for them, your husband, yourself. Focus on them. Shifting focus is important. You matter. There are things in life we have no control of, didn't cause and can't cure. It has been 14 years for all of us. If I continued on with the anxiety I felt years ago, I don't think I would be here. It is not to say that it will take that long for your daughter to find her true potential. I still hold out hope for my two, but I try not to continue to[I] focus[/I] on their choices. It is because they will do what they will do. Very wise words, Swot. Very true. There are many families doubling up for various reasons, the economy is hard, jobs can be hard to come by. In fact, my Hoku, her boyfriend and baby live under my roof. It is not easy, my house is small. The difference between her little family living with us and her older sister...........is huge........in attitude and the peace in my home. They are respectful. Helpful and kind. No one, not our adult children or grandchildren have a right to come into our homes and cause turmoil. Your young boys are your responsibility and deserve all of your attention. I used to think that I could not live well, while my two d cs are out there making the choices they do. As I shifted focus, I gave them over to God and still pray daily that they will find their potential. I cannot spend time thinking about the what ifs. It is what it is. I am not cold, or distant, unfeeling. In fact I am quite the opposite. All of those years I spent in the swirly whirly of it all, caused so much grief and stress. [I]I lost myself for awhile. [/I] My husband fought illness and passed on. It was a hard, hard lesson, and still, my two in the face of it all, continue to make terrible choices. I have come to realize that if I laid my life down, worrying over them, it would not change the fact that they are the captains of their ship, and will sail to where they wish. My going down in the deep dark salty sea of worry, changes nothing. I am working hard, at rebuilding [I]my life.[/I] My son, now 16, enjoys being at home. While my two were in and out, I nearly lost him. It wasn't fair to him. I felt as if I had to choose between my kids, my grands. It was not my choice, all along, it was, and is, theirs. At home, they would continue on a destructive path, taking us all with them. That, is unacceptable. My Tornado has asked to "come home" a few times since hubs passed. I somehow found the strength to say "No, you need to go to a DV shelter." She didn't. She doesn't want to follow rules. She wants to go out and party. It would be worse for all of us, including her, here. Welcome, G, oh my. That's hard. Number 5. I am sorry for your troubles with your daughter. I am glad you are able to see your three grands. Breaking into your fathers cottage, ugh. My two have broken into our home, stolen things. It is sad that they would mistreat their own flesh and blood. My two are choosing drugs right now. It is a cold, hard reality, and I pray that one day, they will wake up from the haze. This is good advice. As long as our d cs go off the rails, it is important to shift focus to those [I]who are taking responsibility[/I]. The grandkids know we love them. They benefit from stability and reassurance. Bless you for being there for your grands. I hope you are doing well, you sound strong. Welcome. G and RM. You are both not alone in your struggles. (((HUGS))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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