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21 Year old homeless and about to lose custody of newborn
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 724242" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>G, you are welcome. I am still here posting to try and help others as well as fortify myself. What I write is as much to remind me to stay the course. It is a hard journey we are all on. I understand where you are coming from. It is a grieving we go through with all of the stages.</p><p>Each unfolding episode repeated my going down the rabbit hole trying just about everything for solutions that I had no control over.</p><p>There were times I did not even want to get up and wobble around on those “shaky legs”, I was so excruciatingly devastated and tangled up in the darkness of it all.</p><p>I thought I should be able to save my two, my grands and tried many times over.</p><p>Letting go of those feelings was and is a long process. The end result is understanding that my two are adults on their own journeys trying to find their way in life.</p><p>It is not the way I want or hoped for them.</p><p> Of course you believe in her. She is your beloved.</p><p>I believe in my two.</p><p>I just don’t <em>believe</em> them.</p><p>For now.</p><p>They try to manipulate and hoodwink me.</p><p>So, I have to be clever myself.</p><p>I have to work hard at building myself up and having resources to strengthen my resolve.</p><p>I don’t want to go back to what was.</p><p>It was too hard.</p><p>It was not a good place to be for me or them.</p><p></p><p>I found much help through viewing an old recording of Viktor Frankl speaking on youth and looking for meaning in life........</p><p></p><p>[MEDIA=youtube]wr6itOBLVQA[/MEDIA]</p><p></p><p>Crabbing. That's what helps me deal with my twos circumstances. I try not to take them as they are, I "overestimate" them, know that they do have a higher purpose, a spark.</p><p> I believe in them.</p><p>I pray for them.</p><p>I also know that in their present state, I am not the one to help them.</p><p>It ends up as enabling them to continue as is.</p><p></p><p>I know the feeling.</p><p>In my late husbands culture, one does not deny their adult children. Turns out that is a modern interpretation. “No work, no eat” was the <em>real</em> old way. Everyone had to contribute. Now, there are families living together with the grandparents footing much of the bills, working <em>and taking care of grandkids.</em> The parents are partying. Sleeping in all day.</p><p>My parents were more on the tough love side. Out at 18, unless you are going to college. Heaven forbid we should need to come back home.</p><p> Nope.</p><p>Be self sufficient.</p><p>I used to think that was cruel.</p><p>You know, they had a respect for their relationship and home.</p><p>They had a respect for the work they did in raising us. It was way different back then wasn’t it? I don’t recall too many kids feeling entitled, like now.</p><p></p><p>It is hard to accept. Not only did my two not have motivation, partying became the number one goal. Never mind that hubs and I were both working and raising our youngest still. They didn’t appreciate our “help”.</p><p>They took it for granted.</p><p> I have thought long and hard about that term “unconditional” love. My daughter used it to accuse me of not loving her, if I didn’t step in, I didn’t love her “unconditionally”.</p><p>Love says no, too.</p><p>“No, you cannot stay here, you don’t get well.</p><p>No, I will not allow you to mistreat me.”</p><p>Boundaries.</p><p>They cross them, <em>I still love them</em>.</p><p>I just don’t <em>like</em> them very much when they are going off the rails.</p><p>I don’t like their choices.</p><p>I can’t have them living with me.</p><p>It doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in them.</p><p>I know they are capable of <em>so much more</em>.</p><p>I had to learn the hard way of what they were capable of when using drugs.</p><p>Done with going down that road.</p><p></p><p>Yup, that’s an entirely different scenario. I grew up in the 70,s. I was a terrible teen. Dabbled in pot and whatnot. Gave my folks a hard time. I stopped all that by 18. Apologized until I was 40 or so, for the grief I caused when I was younger. I felt awful.</p><p>me too, G It is an ongoing process. </p><p> I promised my son that the revolving door is closed. My priority is to him. He is nearly 17, trying to figure out what he wants for his life. I at least owe him a peaceful home after all of the hullabaloo he’s been through with his sisters, and nephews.</p><p>That was a no brainer.</p><p>The emotional letting go takes work.</p><p>We love our kids.</p><p>It is so hard seeing them trip and fall.</p><p>The drama and chaos is off the charts.</p><p>Emergency mode.</p><p>It’s exhausting.</p><p>My daughter can call me in a tizzy wanting something to happen right away.</p><p>Gets my heart rate up there.</p><p>Turns out, she is out partying while I am worried and stressed. She probably doesn’t even remember most of what we have all gone through with the craziness of it all.</p><p>She will go no contact for months.</p><p>Then, out of the blue, call as if nothing. No explanation, no apologies.</p><p>Huh.</p><p>I had to pull back and shift my focus to survive.</p><p>I hope you keep posting. It helps to share and hear from others with similar stories.</p><p>Take very good care of yourself.</p><p>You matter.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 724242, member: 19522"] G, you are welcome. I am still here posting to try and help others as well as fortify myself. What I write is as much to remind me to stay the course. It is a hard journey we are all on. I understand where you are coming from. It is a grieving we go through with all of the stages. Each unfolding episode repeated my going down the rabbit hole trying just about everything for solutions that I had no control over. There were times I did not even want to get up and wobble around on those “shaky legs”, I was so excruciatingly devastated and tangled up in the darkness of it all. I thought I should be able to save my two, my grands and tried many times over. Letting go of those feelings was and is a long process. The end result is understanding that my two are adults on their own journeys trying to find their way in life. It is not the way I want or hoped for them. Of course you believe in her. She is your beloved. I believe in my two. I just don’t [I]believe[/I] them. For now. They try to manipulate and hoodwink me. So, I have to be clever myself. I have to work hard at building myself up and having resources to strengthen my resolve. I don’t want to go back to what was. It was too hard. It was not a good place to be for me or them. I found much help through viewing an old recording of Viktor Frankl speaking on youth and looking for meaning in life........ [MEDIA=youtube]wr6itOBLVQA[/MEDIA] Crabbing. That's what helps me deal with my twos circumstances. I try not to take them as they are, I "overestimate" them, know that they do have a higher purpose, a spark. I believe in them. I pray for them. I also know that in their present state, I am not the one to help them. It ends up as enabling them to continue as is. I know the feeling. In my late husbands culture, one does not deny their adult children. Turns out that is a modern interpretation. “No work, no eat” was the [I]real[/I] old way. Everyone had to contribute. Now, there are families living together with the grandparents footing much of the bills, working [I]and taking care of grandkids.[/I] The parents are partying. Sleeping in all day. My parents were more on the tough love side. Out at 18, unless you are going to college. Heaven forbid we should need to come back home. Nope. Be self sufficient. I used to think that was cruel. You know, they had a respect for their relationship and home. They had a respect for the work they did in raising us. It was way different back then wasn’t it? I don’t recall too many kids feeling entitled, like now. It is hard to accept. Not only did my two not have motivation, partying became the number one goal. Never mind that hubs and I were both working and raising our youngest still. They didn’t appreciate our “help”. They took it for granted. I have thought long and hard about that term “unconditional” love. My daughter used it to accuse me of not loving her, if I didn’t step in, I didn’t love her “unconditionally”. Love says no, too. “No, you cannot stay here, you don’t get well. No, I will not allow you to mistreat me.” Boundaries. They cross them, [I]I still love them[/I]. I just don’t [I]like[/I] them very much when they are going off the rails. I don’t like their choices. I can’t have them living with me. It doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in them. I know they are capable of [I]so much more[/I]. I had to learn the hard way of what they were capable of when using drugs. Done with going down that road. Yup, that’s an entirely different scenario. I grew up in the 70,s. I was a terrible teen. Dabbled in pot and whatnot. Gave my folks a hard time. I stopped all that by 18. Apologized until I was 40 or so, for the grief I caused when I was younger. I felt awful. me too, G It is an ongoing process. I promised my son that the revolving door is closed. My priority is to him. He is nearly 17, trying to figure out what he wants for his life. I at least owe him a peaceful home after all of the hullabaloo he’s been through with his sisters, and nephews. That was a no brainer. The emotional letting go takes work. We love our kids. It is so hard seeing them trip and fall. The drama and chaos is off the charts. Emergency mode. It’s exhausting. My daughter can call me in a tizzy wanting something to happen right away. Gets my heart rate up there. Turns out, she is out partying while I am worried and stressed. She probably doesn’t even remember most of what we have all gone through with the craziness of it all. She will go no contact for months. Then, out of the blue, call as if nothing. No explanation, no apologies. Huh. I had to pull back and shift my focus to survive. I hope you keep posting. It helps to share and hear from others with similar stories. Take very good care of yourself. You matter. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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21 Year old homeless and about to lose custody of newborn
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