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Parent Emeritus
A parent solution...thoughts?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 748494" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Most of us do a version of that scenario.....perhaps not as organized, but we generally provide A LOT while our kids are off the rails. My observation on this board is that your friend's choice doesn't work for most..... and many parents don't have the resources to uphold two households until their adult child grabs the reins. I don't think there's a right or wrong here, if your friend is not beaten up by the arrangement, then good for her.</p><p></p><p>That scenario would not have worked for my daughter and I, we needed to separate out of a negative, unhealthy connection of enabling and once we did that, over time, she changed. She recently got a job and found a place to live in a nice place, in a nice town all on her own. The remarkable transformation took place because of her pride in doing it herself which was forced on her by my disengagement. When it was clear that I wasn't budging, she stepped up and began climbing out of that deep hole.....she did it all on her own and now feels empowered to continue because she knows her strength. Had I continued helping as I had been for years, she would have stayed where she was. She and I both are aware of that. In addition, after years of helping, I was completely burned out, anxious, overwhelmed and unhappy, often the place many of us live for years and years while we "help" our kids. For me and for many of us, helping is enabling, unhealthy and destructive. My concern would be for your friends well being....I came close to that kind of helping and it was slowly destroying my own life .......so if your friend is happy, peaceful and accepting of the situation as it is, that is different than someone doing that level of helping and feeling resentment, anger, worry, fear, depression, anxiety, etc. I'm also not convinced that your friends son is thriving as an adult who has the skill to be independent, I would be concerned that she has inadvertently helped to remove any incentive he can conjure up on his own without enormous external supports being provided for him. Yes, it is tiring just thinking about it, I did not want to be my daughter's keeper, I wanted my own life and I wanted her to have her own life too.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 748494, member: 13542"] Most of us do a version of that scenario.....perhaps not as organized, but we generally provide A LOT while our kids are off the rails. My observation on this board is that your friend's choice doesn't work for most..... and many parents don't have the resources to uphold two households until their adult child grabs the reins. I don't think there's a right or wrong here, if your friend is not beaten up by the arrangement, then good for her. That scenario would not have worked for my daughter and I, we needed to separate out of a negative, unhealthy connection of enabling and once we did that, over time, she changed. She recently got a job and found a place to live in a nice place, in a nice town all on her own. The remarkable transformation took place because of her pride in doing it herself which was forced on her by my disengagement. When it was clear that I wasn't budging, she stepped up and began climbing out of that deep hole.....she did it all on her own and now feels empowered to continue because she knows her strength. Had I continued helping as I had been for years, she would have stayed where she was. She and I both are aware of that. In addition, after years of helping, I was completely burned out, anxious, overwhelmed and unhappy, often the place many of us live for years and years while we "help" our kids. For me and for many of us, helping is enabling, unhealthy and destructive. My concern would be for your friends well being....I came close to that kind of helping and it was slowly destroying my own life .......so if your friend is happy, peaceful and accepting of the situation as it is, that is different than someone doing that level of helping and feeling resentment, anger, worry, fear, depression, anxiety, etc. I'm also not convinced that your friends son is thriving as an adult who has the skill to be independent, I would be concerned that she has inadvertently helped to remove any incentive he can conjure up on his own without enormous external supports being provided for him. Yes, it is tiring just thinking about it, I did not want to be my daughter's keeper, I wanted my own life and I wanted her to have her own life too. [/QUOTE]
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