Adhd son is homeless in another state

[Shariberry2514180]

My son is 23 and has had adhd for years and is now homeless. He left for Nevada with his girlfriend not even a month ago. We are a family of 4 . .myself, husband other sibling and my son trev. Raising him has been the hardest job of my life actually. My husband is his step dad and his only present father since he was 2. He has been off medication since his senior year of high school. And managed to do ok. But he has never held a job longer than 6 months, his hygiene is always a problem and he is always hyper. However the last 2 months or so have been awful, he is more hyper than i have ever seen him. He has this idea to move to nevada where weed is legal and start a business ( without $5 to his name) and when i have told him to wait and save and prepare for the move then "we dont and have never supported him"! And he says his dad was abusive to him, and is mad at me cause i said thats bullshit. His dad ( i mean stepdad, biological father was never around) and he did get into heated arguments and it went to far but he has never abused him. But my son has since blocked us on his phone (that we pay for) we have given his girlfriend 3 cars, let her live with us for almost a year. And given so much money/food that i cant even count. He had a DUI about 2 yrs ago and we told him we would pay for the class so he can get his license back and that hasnt happened either. He now swears that he and some friends have a business and he is a CEO #rollseyes! Now i guess he is homeless. I am so torn and heartbroken! I just want him to see someone for his adhd and mental health. But he says it doesnt work and just smokes weed. I know i cant force him to do anything but i worry so much!! I also wont let him live back with us when his dad is "abusive"..yet they take whatever we give them.. i just dont know what to do..

 

[BusynMember1]

Hi. Welcome to the board. If I were you, I would read the Parent Emeritus forum for parents of adult kids. That is more appropriate for your situation.

Your son's story us actually cliche for the adult kids who bring us here. They have some problems. They won't work. They expect us to keep paying their way and we do it until we are seeing that this doesn't help them to rescue and it destroys us to the soul. Many become homeless. Its very hard.

Oh, I forgot that pot is the great natural plant and holy grail thar fixes everything to them. Some use heavier drugs. None willingly go for help, even if we offer to pay. Typical.

Have you ever gone to Al Anon? I go because my daughter is hooked on pot and has been for twenty years. Her mind is not good. She has a child and a crazy husband and I worry about my grandson. Al Anon is not just for parents of alcoholics and it has really helped me and my husband a lot.

We have let go to God. We have bought homes, paid rent, bought cars etc. She lost and destroyed everything. No more. We have other loved ones who need us to be healthy. And we want to enjoy our golden years. We love her but we are done. Yes, it was hard to do.

God bless you.

 

[JayPee]

Welcome Sherri,

You have come to the right place for encouragement, strength and support. I have two homeless adult sons that live "presently" in their cars. They have made up stories which to them are "reality" of what their childhood was like. It blows my mind! There's no telling them that those things didn't happen. Younger son has ADHD and PTSD. At one point "when" he was at home with us he literally smoked pot like it was his job. Every 15 minutes. My house, cloths, coats everything stunk. I was so angry with him and told him my work was going to think it was me smoking it. He then decided smoking in the garage was better. These things "we allowed" I guess because there were no boundaries. If we tried to implement them the police would surely be at our door as they were so many many times. I also had an alcoholic husband at the time so that always added fuel to any conversation. It would escalate from 0-100 in no time.

I'm sure somehow, someway he's still smoking pot even jobless and homeless. I'm sure not as much but it's his cure-all too. After all, it's just a plant right? Ugh. He was on medication for almost two years and took himself off the medications. I honestly think he was a bit crazier on the medications. Hard to tell. He doesn't want to continue therapy. Won't start with someone new because it's too emotionally draining etc. I often wonder if he just planted the diagnosis into the therapists head and they agreed with him. He was seeing a "State" therapist and quite honestly they are so overwhelmed that I don't really feel he got the attention he needed. For him, he went to monthly appointments just to have his prescription renewed, which he was usually out of 1/2 way thru the month either because he took more than he should or sold them.

They come up with some pretty hair brain ideas (similar to your sons new found CEO position). One time younger son said I think I'm going to get a couple of dogs. Well, if you didn't think I almost fell off my chair. The guy was homeless, living in his car (with me "at the time" paying for gas) and had no money to eat or a pot to pee in, etc. and he wanted to have a couple of dogs living in his car with him? That never happened because after a bit he realized I'm sure that I was right.

Anyways, it's not easy and I have only recently stopped enabling them. I still pay some fixed items, like a student loan I co-signed for years ago but through much prayer, reading good books, therapy, Al anon and this forum I've been able to make some progress.

I wouldn't put too much weight into what your son is saying. Someone in his group or a combination of them will likely figure out that they have no money.

Hang in there and keep posting. Just taking away the isolation of being alone with your problems and being able to speak to people on this forum who will not judge you will lhopefully be the beginning of some relief for you.

 

[Crayola13]

After he finds out how much the IRS wants he will decide it costs too much to be in business. I'm hard pressed to believe he and his friend are going to be able to come up with the $5,000 application fee, which may not even get approved. Even if that part goes well, federal agents are going to breathing down his neck all the time.

There was another mom on this forum about three years ago who said her son moved to Colorado to be a picker. He worked on a cannibas farm and was paid in cannabis. It was all good until the bad weather came and the owner was a jerk because pot made some of the workers lazy and slow. Her son quit and was still homeless. He thought he had found his dream job.

 

[Blindsided]

You are in the right place. I am sure when you see us post, you will realize you are not alone.

There is a great article in this forum on detaching. It really puts things into perspective. Still working on it. My daughter is in her early 40's and has all the characteristics of someone with borderline personality disorder. My gentle natured child is now homeless, abusive, and a raging an alcoholic (her drug of choice). Her liver is failing due to abuse, but she blames her symptoms and misery on a real toxic mold exposure. I cannot get her to see that if she quit drinking her immune system can function. If I have learned anything it is that there isn't a thing I can do and no amount of money I give will help her unless she wants to. I wish I would have detached twenty years ago when this nightmare started.

Books that I have found helpful are in my signature line and I put others in my wish list when they are recommended.

In love, light, and healing.

 

[WiseChoices]

Welcome!

If my child blocked me on a phone that I am paying for, I would remove his phone line from my plan.

My children both claim to have been abused and I learned over time that it does no good trying to correct that. It just leads to arguments . They use that line to make us feel guilty and extract funds from us. I had to learn to drop the rope and not care what they think .I started verbalizing that their childhood is their childhood and that I can't and won't touch that, that their memories and feelings are what they are and they have to work through all of that on their own.

Learned helplessness and victim mode worked for them in the past but I feed into it less and less now (I am still a work in progress). I am detaching with love and let them work out their own lives as much as possible (progress not perfection on my part).

I very much like your boundary of not letting your son live with you since he "was abused by his StepDad".

My son says we don't support him because we won't pay for his expenses while he explores a music career.