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Adoptive parents: Would you do it again?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 749270" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Older.</p><p></p><p>I chase after my son too when I feel that he is ignoring me. I get desperate. I wish I could say it's because I'm worried about him but it's because I cannot bear being out of touch when I am vulnerable in a certain kind of way.</p><p></p><p>In my case, eventually my son does call me. Eventually, our relationship evens out, even if it is on low.</p><p></p><p>It sounds different in the case of your daughter. When I was a child (I'm getting older too) there was a game called "pin the tail on the donkey" where the kids who were blindfolded took turns trying to pin the tail on a picture of the donkey which was hung on the wall.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is doing this to you. She is using you to pin on you all of her pain and agony and guilt and anger that <em>she feels</em>, due to her child's autism. All of the things she says that are your fault, are things <em>she feels</em> at fault for. <em>It's her genes. Her mistake. What she did wrong.</em> Not you. But she can't bear feeling it was her, and she can't undue it. She can't escape her situation. And she can't accept it. And so she turns on you, and makes you her scapegoat. You are the bad guy. This is her only out. As long as she is doing this there is no way to stop it. The prayer is that she works this through, finds some resolution and acceptance of what happens.</p><p></p><p>But what can you do? What I think you can do is to protect yourself. To me in the case where she is unrelenting in her rejection and anger, to seek her out, even through the kids, is to subject yourself to more pain and to give her the chance to lash out at you even more. This Is not good for you or for her. She is an adult woman. Adult women don't get to use their mothers as a psychological whipping boy. And the more you permit her to victimize you, the more it may confirm her sense that you are guilty, and deserving of punishment.</p><p></p><p>I know how hard this must be. But the first thing is to protect yourself.</p><p></p><p>I think sometimes the thing to do is to try to look at the other person's plight. Of course I am not saying to align with her persecution of you. What I am suggesting is compassion for her pain and suffering. At a distance. To stop looking for ANYTHING at all from her and to pray for her pain to ease.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 749270, member: 18958"] Dear Older. I chase after my son too when I feel that he is ignoring me. I get desperate. I wish I could say it's because I'm worried about him but it's because I cannot bear being out of touch when I am vulnerable in a certain kind of way. In my case, eventually my son does call me. Eventually, our relationship evens out, even if it is on low. It sounds different in the case of your daughter. When I was a child (I'm getting older too) there was a game called "pin the tail on the donkey" where the kids who were blindfolded took turns trying to pin the tail on a picture of the donkey which was hung on the wall. Your daughter is doing this to you. She is using you to pin on you all of her pain and agony and guilt and anger that [I]she feels[/I], due to her child's autism. All of the things she says that are your fault, are things [I]she feels[/I] at fault for. [I]It's her genes. Her mistake. What she did wrong.[/I] Not you. But she can't bear feeling it was her, and she can't undue it. She can't escape her situation. And she can't accept it. And so she turns on you, and makes you her scapegoat. You are the bad guy. This is her only out. As long as she is doing this there is no way to stop it. The prayer is that she works this through, finds some resolution and acceptance of what happens. But what can you do? What I think you can do is to protect yourself. To me in the case where she is unrelenting in her rejection and anger, to seek her out, even through the kids, is to subject yourself to more pain and to give her the chance to lash out at you even more. This Is not good for you or for her. She is an adult woman. Adult women don't get to use their mothers as a psychological whipping boy. And the more you permit her to victimize you, the more it may confirm her sense that you are guilty, and deserving of punishment. I know how hard this must be. But the first thing is to protect yourself. I think sometimes the thing to do is to try to look at the other person's plight. Of course I am not saying to align with her persecution of you. What I am suggesting is compassion for her pain and suffering. At a distance. To stop looking for ANYTHING at all from her and to pray for her pain to ease. [/QUOTE]
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