Adult daughter hiding our relationship from husband and dad

[Tiredoftrying]

I have an adult daughter that has a husband that doesn't want her to have any contact with me at all. The reason for this, is because I have tried to raise her to not be dependent on anyone, but herself. It has taken its toll on me through the years. They were living together until she got pregnant last year. Every time she has come over for the last several years, she hides it from him because she doesn't want to cause a fight. The baby is 4 months old and I have only seen her twice, wasn't allowed to come to the hospital, so I missed out of her life event of the birth of my last grandchild. We have had a strained relationship here and there because her father and I divorced when she was 10 and her dad made her feel guilty also for living with me, so she lies to him about our relationship also.

I strongly feel she has some deeply rooted emotional problems, but she will not talk to me about anything at all. When I try, she hangs up on me and will not talk to me for months. When I comment on her facebook posts, she replies to everyone but mine, I text her and if he is home, it is days before I hear back. The pain is almost too much to bear.

I am at wits end and am mentally and emotionally exhausted to the point that I ask myself why I even try to have a relationship.

Is there anyone else out there who has been through something similar and can give me some advice?

 

[runawaybunny]

Hello @Tiredoftrying

I haven't been through what you are facing but I wanted you to know that I read your post and wanted to offer you some support. I have an adult daughter and know that if I were in your situation it would be a constant heartache. Now everything has gotten even more complicated with your new grandchild in the picture.

It sounds like you are reaching out to your daughter and making yourself available. She is the one making these choices, not you.

It seems like you are doing the best you can given these circumstances that you have no control over. This has been going on for a very long time, no wonder you are mentally and emotionally exhausted.

My advice is to make sure you are taking good care of yourself. That is something you do have control over.

 

[BusynMember]

You cant control your daughter...or anyone but you. Since you sadky seem to want the relationship more than her, as she has cut you off before, the ball is in her court. To me it seems as if she is deliberately hurting you. I dont know is she has emotional problems or not, but it doesnt really matter. Her mental health at her age is her business. Legally you cant do anything. It might anger her more if youbring it up.

Some of us choose to detach from disrespectful grown children and demand respect from them if they want us in their lives. You are important and special and if she wants to hurt you because of past issues that she feels need punishing, it is up to you to decide how much to take. There are no magic words to change another person. We have control only over ourselves.

You are hardly alone. Many adult children are punishing parents and half the time we dont even know why.

Try to take care of yourself right now. If you have other kids who are nice to you, maybe see them more as they deserveyour loving heart. Have a blast with your husband. Go on a trip! Meet with your friends. Go back to old hobbies. In other words, live your life to the fullest. You deserve a good life in spite of your daughters poor behavior.

Hugs for your hurting heart.

 

[Copabanana]

I strongly feel she has some deeply rooted emotional problems, but she will not talk to me about anything at all. When I try, she hangs up on me and will not talk to me for months. When I comment on her facebook posts, she replies to everyone but mine, I text her and if he is home, it is days before I hear back. The pain is almost too much to bear.

I do not have a situation like yours but my mother did. With both of her daughters.

She was like you. The pain was unbearable, especially, when my sister denied access to her daughters.

My mother eventually came to a compromise. She pulled back and did not let herself be so vulnerable to my sister. She adopted a neutral attitude, and was grateful for the opportunity to be with them. And accepted the limits. She became very careful to not cross boundaries that my sister had made. It was hard, but my mother became humble.

There is a time when our children become responsible to solve their own problems. Or not. They may view as intrusive the parental role of responsibility, that we view as our duty.

My son is that way. I have learned to keep quiet. It is hard and stressful, but I am doing it because I do not want to get in the way of his solving his own problems. I realized, finally, that I cannot do it for him. It just does not work.

Welcome to the board. I am glad you are here. Keep posting. It helps.

COPA

 

[Tiredoftrying]

You cant control your daughter...or anyone but you. Since you sadky seem to want the relationship more than her, as she has cut you off before, the ball is in her court. To me it seems as if she is deliberately hurting you. I dont know is she has emotional problems or not, but it doesnt really matter. Her mental health at her age is her business. Legally you cant do anything. It might anger her more if youbring it up.

Some of us choose to detach from disrespectful grown children and demand respect from them if they want us in their lives. You are important and special and if she wants to hurt you because of past issues that she feels need punishing, it is up to you to decide how much to take. There are no magic words to change another person. We have control only over ourselves.

You are hardly alone. Many adult children are punishing parents and half the time we dont even know why.

Try to take care of yourself right now. If you have other kids who are nice to you, maybe see them more as they deserveyour loving heart. Have a blast with your husband. Go on a trip! Meet with your friends. Go back to old hobbies. In other words, live your life to the fullest. You deserve a good life in spite of your daughters poor behavior.

Hugs for your hurting heart.

I do not have a situation like yours but my mother did. With both of her daughters.

She was like you. The pain was unbearable, especially, when my sister denied access to her daughters.

My mother eventually came to a compromise. She pulled back and did not let herself be so vulnerable to my sister. She adopted a neutral attitude, and was grateful for the opportunity to be with them. And accepted the limits. She became very careful to not cross boundaries that my sister had made. It was hard, but my mother became humble.

There is a time when our children become responsible to solve their own problems. Or not. They may view as intrusive the parental role of responsibility, that we view as our duty.

My son is that way. I have learned to keep quiet. It is hard and stressful, but I am doing it because I do not want to get in the way of his solving his own problems. I realized, finally, that I cannot do it for him. It just does not work.

Welcome to the board. I am glad you are here. Keep posting. It helps.

COPA

Thank you for your response. I never knew there were online support groups for things like this. I have felt like I have been handling this on my own for a long time now. I have learned to be "complacent" when she is talking about her family or children, as she is so defensive to the point of attack if I mention any advice.

I do have an older daughter I have focused on more in the last few years. Once my ex found out she was growing close to my new husband ( I was divorced for 15 years and have now been married 2 years) he started taunting her and telling her she cares more for my new husband than she does him, so that has also made her start detaching and acting distant.

I feel it is so sad that someone would deliberately try to destroy relationships because of their own insecurities. This summer, we went on a family vacation (my oldest, her hubby and kids, my hubby and I) When we returned home, within 3 days I noticed a huge change in her attitude towards us. She went from calling us 3-4 times a day, to not hearing anything from her at all. I was the one who had to place the calls and ask if she was ok. This has happened just since July.

I appreciate you helping me. It does help to talk about it and not just keep everything inside.

 

[BusynMember]

Divorce can cause problems. But mature adult children learn to deal with it. They are not little girls anymore.

On the other hand, I learned early to listen and give no advice to my grown kids unless they specifically ask. I either praise or listen. My own mother was so negative and felt she had a right to voice her thoights even if they hurt me.

She is dead ten years now. We never got along. She hurt me a lot. Not saying you do that at all, but be mindful of what you say to your grown kids.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Tiredoftrying, welcome. I'm sorry you are going through this with your daughter, it sounds heartbreaking. Sometimes, as happens on this board to many of us, we have to learn ways to let go of our adult kids and their behaviors. We are often powerless and that is a hard pill to swallow. The actions of your ex and how your daughter is responding to you is very hurtful...... and it is also out of your control to change. Focus on taking care of you, nurturing yourself, being kind to yourself........often we forget how to do that when our kids are troubled.

You may want to remove that picture if it is of you, we are an anonymous site and to ensure your safety as well as the safety of your family, it is a good idea to take that picture down.

There is a good article on detachment at the bottom of my post here, it may offer you some solace and some tools.

Keep posting, it helps. I'm glad you found us. You're not alone.

 

[Tiredoftrying]

Divorce can cause problems. But mature adult children learn to deal with it. They are not little girls anymore.

On the other hand, I learned early to listen and give no advice to my grown kids unless they specifically ask. I either praise or listen. My own mother was so negative and felt she had a right to voice her thoights even if they hurt me.

She is dead ten years now. We never got along. She hurt me a lot. Not saying you do that at all, but be mindful of what you say to your grown kids.

Thank you for your insight. I do try to be as supportive and optimistic as possible. I have a mother that is like what you just described, so I work as hard as I can to be the complete opposite because of how I was treated. I never want to be one of those moms where my kids feel like a failure and nothing is good enough. I constantly tell them how proud I am of them and what a blessing they are to my life.

My mother is still alive, but her actions have taught me what NOT to do as a mom.