I've been dealing with my difficult son for 20 years now. I have experienced just about every emotion you can imagine while riding this crazy rollercoaster ride. Guilt was probably the one I felt the most.
The "parent" in us wants everything to be ok for our children. When they were small and a had a problem we could hug them and kiss them and tell them everything will be ok. That was fine when they were little but they are grown now, adults. We taught them right from wrong, we set forth examples of working hard and doing the right thing, we loved them, we gave them a sense of security and yet with all that we have done and taught them, they managed to slip away.
Living the best life I can has been difficult over the last many years as these problems just seem to come and go.
I can so relate to what you are going through. It takes time to detach and gain back what resembles a "normal" life.
Each experience we go through with them is a learning experience. I have learned that I do not need to know every detail of my sons life. I used to obsess over "needing" to know where he was all the time and what he was doing. All that did was make me worry more. I have learned that my son manages just fine. While living a life of a homeless wonderer would not have been my choice for him the fact remains, that's who he is, that's the choice he has made for himself.
I have also learned that I do not need to nor am I obligated to tell my son what is going on in my life. One of the many times he was in jail I told him that his dad and I were taking a trip to the Caribbean and he blasted me, cursing at me telling me I was cruel to be taking a vacation while he rotted in jail. I was really shook up and my companion "guilt" was right there to assure me that I was everything my son said, that is until my husband helped me out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). My husband reminded me that we have done everything we could to help our son and he continued to make poor choices that landed him in jail. He reminded me of how much work I had to miss due to my son being truant, going to search for him, going to many court dates, going to counseling sessions, all the money we spent on counseling, coming home to find our home ransacked, all the times he stole from us, etc..., so for us to take a much needed vacation was nothing to feel guilty about whatsoever.
We have taken many vacations since that one and I never share with my son our plans. For me, I do not share any information with my son that he will use against me.
I do not communicate with my son on any kind of regular basis. He has a FB account so I can send him private messages. He has a tablet that he can charge here and there.
My husband and I go about living our lives. We are happy and have lots of friends and many activities. I used to shy away from meeting new people because the question "do you have kids" always comes up. I am no longer ashamed or embarrassed to tell the truth. Here's how I now look at it; if someone wants to judge me that's on them and I do not need them in my life. If someone really wants to take the time to get to know me, then I will invest the time to get to know them too.
I have lost relationships over the years because of people telling me things like "how can you allow your son to be homeless" I reply, "I do not have control over what my son chooses to do with his life, he is the one who chooses to be homeless". There will always be people who will judge us but until they have walked in our shoes and lived in our homes filled with chaos and fear, they have no clue and we do not need them in our lives.
TC, you will get through this!!
