18yo Son Update

[LetGo]

Hi New Life,
I’m sorry for the recent chaos you all have experienced.

This is absolutely terrifying. I am glad no one was seriously hurt. I hope your son is aware of the state he was in and is scared enough to follow through with rehab. Did he remember what happened New Life?


I know the idea of prison is horrible to those of us who have not experienced it. I actually reached the point where I am glad when my daughter is picked up on a bench warrant. She is off the streets and away from drugs. After a few weeks of sobriety, she calms down. She joins the work line, where she can make a little money. She has a chance to think about her life choices, rather than “party” all the time.


I think that we go into a numb mode to protect ourselves. There is only so much the mind and body can handle. You have been through a lot with your two sons and that is emotionally and mentally draining. It is difficult from that standpoint to use good judgment, and to pull away from overthinking about the consequences your son faces for his choices. I know it is hard, he is 18. But, New Life, his facing prison as a result of his violent episode may just be a turning point for him. If we don’t have consequences, we don’t learn. I was at the place you are at many times. I had to realize how my health and mindset were effected by my daughters choices. I had to realize that I was more vested in their choices and outcomes, than they were. Chaotic episodes would happen that turned my world upside down and it was “just another Tuesday” for them.
It got to the point where I had to prayerfully give them to God and ask for Him to watch over them, it was too much for me to bear.
I have had to learn and relearn this over and again. I do love my daughters as well, but my emotional attachment to their lifestyle and consequences was killing me. I was going through the motions, on auto pilot, shut down and just not myself. It’s the most difficult thing to do, to constantly grieve over someone we love dearly, who is still walking the earth. Recognizing this, and processing the emotions, was a first step to getting my life back. I had to slow way down and take time to breathe. I had to stop “awfullizing”, dwelling on what catastrophe may happen next. Because I had absolutely no control over my daughter’s choices. Zilch.
That reality forced me to take a good look at myself. To open up my eyes to how much time I spent fretting over my two, knee jerk reacting to every single situation, constantly in “rescue” mode. My over involvement didn’t help them to make better choices. I was tethered and falling down the rabbit hole.
Your son is going to rehab. That is a good thing. You have some time to breathe and start to figure out how to get your life back. One step at a time. It takes work to pull up and out of shutting down. Sometime it takes therapy. You are worth every effort to find your joy, to live a good life, no matter what your son’s choices are. Hang in there.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

New Leaf, This is so well said. It is so true that I was dwelling on and putting more energy into trying to influence or "fix" my daughter's choices than she was. Again, for her "it's just another Tuesday". My reaction to her choices over the years were just eating me away. Do I still wish to possibly offer some assistance? Yes. Is that a good choice for ME? NO. Because my efforts will not change anything and I would just become the emotional punching bag for her. Her lifestyle and way of functioning is so polar opposite of how I live. So, this is why I slowly am learning to LetGo. I do not think prison is a bad option for my daughter. I think it will become a respite for her and unfortunately, I can see her reoffending. Anyway, I am sorry that I started talking about me, when you were responding to New Life. Iam glad you are going to therapy, New Life. You deserve to live YOUR life. Hugs, LetGo

 

[bluebell]

New Leaf, my son was charged with a felony terroristic threatening charge, along with several assault and battery charges earlier this month also for attacking his father. My son is 27 and he has done this several times since he was a teenager but this is his first charge as an adult. I just want you to know you are not alone and if you need someone to talk to, I am here.

 

[LetGo]

New Leaf, my son was charged with a felony terroristic threatening charge, along with several assault and battery charges earlier this month also for attacking his father. My son is 27 and he has done this several times since he was a teenager but this is his first charge as an adult. I just want you to know you are not alone and if you need someone to talk to, I am here.

Bluebell, I am thinking of you.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Bluebell
Thank you for your thoughts. I’m sorry you have had to deal with your son’s issues with violence. I have little to zero tolerance for that, don’t even watch movies with violence. My daughter is in jail for possession of a stolen moped (charged 2018) but entered drug court, then another court for women that attempts to get offenders through rehab and off the streets. We have been through some hellish roller coaster rides, but I honestly feel better when she is in jail!
I hope your son will get the help he needs.
Prayers going up.
New Leaf

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Letgo,
Thank you for your kind words.

My reaction to her choices over the years were just eating me away. Do I still wish to possibly offer some assistance? Yes. Is that a good choice for ME? NO. Because my efforts will not change anything and I would just become the emotional punching bag for her.

I was the same way and have to be careful not to slip back to knee jerk reactions and dwell on what I have no control over. There was a time I went no contact with Tornado, it became toxic for me to engage and I just needed space from all the drama. Now I speak with her but set boundaries as far as anything that feels manipulative. I used to be so afraid when she was in one of her rehab stints that something I would say or do or not do would cause a relapse. Now, I just tell her I love her and that she is an adult and there are many resources she can avail herself of. Which, turns out to be true.
She’s had setbacks, and I do feel sad but am learning to let that go.

Her lifestyle and way of functioning is so polar opposite of how I live. So, this is why I slowly am learning to LetGo.

It’s hard to see our loved ones making terrible choices. We didn’t raise them to struggle so. Detaching is many things. Not a linear process, that’s for sure. What helps me is to focus on detaching from behaviors and outcomes so that I don’t feel the consequences more than my daughters do.

I do not think prison is a bad option for my daughter. I think it will become a respite for her and unfortunately, I can see her reoffending.

One never knows what could motivate someone to pivot. Tornado could have served her sentence by now, but keeps violating her parole. That’s actually a Godsend. Each time she goes through rehab, is a chance for her to find her potential. I pray for that and am cautiously optimistic, but have to be careful with my heart.

Anyway, I am sorry that I started talking about me, when you were responding to New Life.

No worries. (Sorry New Life). I often go off on side notes. I think we all do. Main thing is we are able to support one another with kindness.
Have a peaceful weekend.
New Leaf