Advice please

[sooooo tired]

I am back in my daughters life after 5 years. She has made some improvements.
She fought for full custody of my grandson and has got him in a good Christian
School She has been taking good care of him as far as
His health goes and he seems to be doing very well
I can tell she still has some personality issues but she isn't on any medications and dies not do drugs or drink. She still has alot of anxiety issues and so do I. So if I get the slightest feeling that
She is getting frustrated I get very nervous. My problem is that I want to turn her into me. Her house
Is not dirty but just a total mess. I feel like why can't she keep a neat house but she never has. I am thankful that she has stayed on her feet for five years but I'm just waiting for her to start asking for
Money and depending on
Me to pick up the pieces when she can't make it.
I would like to maintain a relationship with her. But the past still haunts me.

 

[BusynMember]

It will alienate her if you nag at her because she is not living up to your standards. Let it go for her sake and that of your relationship. Grown kids don't want Mom nagging. That causes big problems in relationships.

Also you can decide not to enable her, give her money, try to save her when times get tough (you can't. She has to learn. You won't be here forever). That is up to you, not her.

I wish you well. Love and hugs.

 

[in a daze]

I can relate. My son has gone into a depressive episode. His house is not so much cluttered as in need of a serious cleaning. He claims he is going to get to it this weekend. I am always offering to help, but he turns me down. He does want me to try and get the stains out of the couch and the carpet, which I will attempt to do.

Yes, like you, I have a very hard time letting it go.

I am seriously considering hiring someone to go in there every two weeks and clean and do laundry, since he won’t let me. I have tried in vain to get at home services for him.

And of course, not everyone can afford maid service.

Hiring help might be enabling, but here’s my rationale. People like your daughter and my son have serious mental health issues which interfere with their motivation, energy, and concentration. This goes beyond laziness, I think. My son has severe undermedicated ADHD, and I think it’s all he can do to get dressed and find something to eat. When he was working, it was a superhuman effort.

It must be very difficult for your daughter to keep up the house with four kids, with her MH issues. I’m just saying. But I sure do understand your reluctance to get more involved with her. It can be a slippery slope!

 

[Copabanana]

Soooo Tired. You have come so far and so has your daughter. I am so pleased for you, your daughter, and your grandson. I think we often dwell on the stuff still not right, as a way to protect ourselves from hoping too much, or being vulnerable. I think the answer is to live in the moment, with full confidence that you will know to do the right thing.

I think Al-Anon is a place to learn good boundaries, and to stay in yourself, in the present moment. Nobody knows what life will bring, for good or ill. We can only gain the skills and the confidence and access the faith to believe that we will know what to do, and how to handle things. This confidence and these skills are learnable.

 

[sooooo tired]

Soooo Tired. You have come so far and so has your daughter. I am so pleased for you, your daughter, and your grandson. I think we often dwell on the stuff still not right, as a way to protect ourselves from hoping too much, or being vulnerable. I think the answer is to live in the moment, with full confidence that you will know to do the right thing.

I think Al-Anon is a place to learn good boundaries, and to stay in yourself, in the present moment. Nobody knows what life will bring, for good or ill. We can only gain the skills and the confidence and access the faith to believe that we will know what to do, and how to handle things. This confidence and these skills are learnable.

You have been there for me for years and I can't express how much that means to me . You have talked me through many tough times.i love my daughter I just don't know what to say or do. She was always so pretty.
She now has no teeth and
Looks like she has had a very rough life. My problem is I always want to try and fix everything. I go in her house and instantly think how much I'd like to help her get it clean and decent looking. I look at her and want to take her and get her hair done and buy new clothes. That's just how I am. But I know I need to not bug her and just accept her for who she is. I get so confused when she is in my life I don't know if I will say or do something that will set her off. I just dont know.

 

[Copabanana]

But I know I need to not bug her and just accept her for who she is.

I believe your daughter loves you very, very much. I also believe she knows who you are. I have a very hard time with the very same things that you do. My son is homeless much of the time. He shows it. He wears a ragged hoody. He looks shabby at best. It breaks my heart. I have a very difficult time accepting him how he is, too. I fight it, to the extent that I can't bear to be around him. The pain is too great so I fight against the reality of what is. I pretend to myself that he can control how he is, that he can choose to do differently when there is no indication at all that this is the case. If I don't see him, I don't have to face it.

What I am saying here is that I struggle in the exact same ways as do you.
Sooo Tired, you are very, very hard on yourself.

What you and your daughter are showing is that there is hope and redemption for all of us. Maybe even me and my son. You give me hope. All I am saying is that I believe the reservoir of love between you and your daughter is so great and so deep, that there is room for humanity, for imperfection. You don't need to be perfect. Nor does she. With all of the changes she has made, she may go there on her own. Teeth can be fixed. Houses can be cleaned. The love is there. Rest in it! I will try too. I am afraid too. I am afraid my son will die, and then, so will I.

 

[sooooo tired]

I believe your daughter loves you very, very much. I also believe she knows who you are. I have a very hard time with the very same things that you do. My son is homeless much of the time. He shows it. He wears a ragged hoody. He looks shabby at best. It breaks my heart. I have a very difficult time accepting him how he is, too. I fight it, to the extent that I can't bear to be around him. The pain is too great so I fight against the reality of what is. I pretend to myself that he can control how he is, that he can choose to do differently when there is no indication at all that this is the case. If I don't see him, I don't have to face it.

What I am saying here is that I struggle in the exact same ways as do you.
Sooo Tired, you are very, very hard on yourself.

What you and your daughter are showing is that there is hope and redemption for all of us. Maybe even me and my son. You give me hope. All I am saying is that I believe the reservoir of love between you and your daughter is so great and so deep, that there is room for humanity, for imperfection. You don't need to be perfect. Nor does she. With all of the changes she has made, she may go there on her own. Teeth can be fixed. Houses can be cleaned. The love is there. Rest in it! I will try too. I am afraid too. I am afraid my son will die, and then, so will I.

I wish we could meet one day. You are my angel!