Hi Grits -
First of all I want you to know that you are NOT alone. I would LOVE to come live in Alaska. It's a dream I think. I've already had the immaginable, unmanageable child from pergatory, and his father ---Satan. We divorced long ago, and I managed to get a very wonderful DF (fiance) that at first was in the "Oh all he needs is a firm hand" category, and quickly moved into the "HOLY Father I understand now why you call his Father Satan - this is insane." However he stuck it out for the long haul, went to counseling with me, with "Dude" (what I call my son, now 21, not graduated, not working currently, tried booze, and I'm sure tried drugs and is soon to be a Father - which is a good thing)
Secondly I want to inform you that you have RIGHTS. You have a right to feel safe in your own home - whether it's your son, or a bum from the streets. You pay the bills, you have a right to put a bar of soap down on the counter and say "do not touch that' and leave and have it be there when you return......untouched. You have a right to peace and quiet in your home. You have a right to have your rules FOLLOWED by a CHILD that is LIVING rent free, utility free, food free, gas free, bed free, laundry free - lawn maintenance free, garbage service free, home phone service free, internet service free, heat and air free -----and my list is endless for the things that YOU provide for him that you do not have to - but do. Why? I dunno - WHY do you treat someone to these LUXURIES when they treat you like poopie? Question you really need to ask yourself and get angry about at this point.
You have a 19 year old man living in your house, causing havoc, stress disobeying, stealing, and treating your home like it was a fight club warehouse - and you ----STAND UP AND SAY OH HECK NO???? and stick to it? Or do you say "I want to run away?" It's definitely NOT that any of us want to CAVE into these kids - we just feel like we have NO control over them - or have LOST control or when we TRY to regain control they turn around and look at us (because now they run in packs) and act like "LADY YOU ARE NUTS if you think y ou are going to say one word to me about how to live, behave and what to do with MYYYYYYYYY LIFE in YOUR house? Yeah get bent." and at that point? I'm off to my room or screaming , or was punching holes in the walls to keep from hitting him and his smart mouth. (visions of homer and bart simpson ran through my head at times) but -----it can be done. It's just not easy.
Since you are isolated? I have two suggestions. Police or therapy or both. My first call would be to a locksmith. I don't know if I want to debat the husband thing here - but since he's off fighting or not fighting or serving? I mean really - he's not much help to you 1000s of miles away so for now - you really are on your own. Get some things done without him interfering. Sorry it's just how I feel. Last time you changed the locks he handed him a key - felt sorry, got conned - WHUT EVER......he's not here now - and you can make some changes. They do NOT have to include him because you need him to have his mind on his work, and you'll tell him later when things are worked out.
So I'd call a locksmith. get the locks changed. NO KEY to son. Then I'd tell mr. 19 and loud and proud - YOU HAVE XX weeks, days months to GET a place of your own - WHERE? NOT MY BUSNIESS like everything else in your life. NO need for further communication - smart comments like - GO smoke your dope where you want - or go have someone else support you - REMEMBER HERE - you . ARE. done. YOu don't care. He's treated you badly and until he treats you NICELY for a LONG LONG time - and shows respect - HE does NOT deserve to talk to you or even hear your breath - YOU are that good, that special and that awesome of a MOM that you are going to overlook your heartache in this situation - and THROW OUT YOUR SON.
Don't tell him the locks have been changed - Just say - ON April 30 - YOU must be out - and NO further words - end of subject. Hand him a written eviction notice - get it notarized locally and make a report if you feel your son will be violent with local magistrates office. Give them a copy of the eviction. I don't know AK law - but if you can get him to leave? Do it. If not? Then formally file for eviction. Get a date, and lock up or move your valuables - he will be after that.
ON april 30th - If he's there? Call the police - If he's not - and it's legal - PUT HIS STUFF OUTSIDE, and call him. Tell him his stuff is on the lawn. Porch - whatever - NOT the garage.
Tell him he's not allowed back without a call to you.......
Tell him he's not allowed back without stopping smoking pot or not carrying it on him in your home.
Tell him he's not allowed NEAR you ever if he will raise his voice, be vocal, verball abusive - or you will have him shown off the property
and if you need them? Call the local police and file a report
If he shows up you're not there? Have neighbors call the police and report him trespassing. Tell your neighbors you are now alone - NO ONE but you should be there if they see anyone call 911. and give them a cell number or work number.
Check your locks on your windows, and give him a certain time to get the rest of his things out -or they go to the town dump or thrift store. PERIOD.
When you are DONE fooling with someone - you dont stand there and say "BOY I"am DONE fooling with you." You walk away - and that's it. NO calls, no emails, no talking....and the message is crystal. You treated me like dirt, and I'm worth MORE. You want to come talk to me? FINE. It's on MY terms. No yelling, no ugly words - I'm your mother - you know what I do and Don't tolerate - I raised you and I was a good Mom - and NOW I'm goign to thearapy - and I see how good of a Mom I really was and you should be ashamed."
If you ever want him to stand on his own two feet? You have to stand him on them and stop supporting him.
Hope this helps - and just know you're not alone.
Star