This may seem controversial and I KNOW the problem is more severe than my suggestion will imply - but can you say to her, "Most people go through a sense of not belonging at some stage. It can feel very lonely and isolating. Generally it's part of growing up. Whenever we feel sad, or angry, or lonely, we try to find a reason for it. Sometimes we can find the right reason and sometimes we can't. Sometimes there IS no reason. But because you've been adopted, you have a ready-made reason handy that you can grab, and say, 'This must be it.' And it's possible that you're right. But then, it's also likely that simply being adopted isn't the reason you feel you don't fit in, because a lot of kids who are loved by their families, who have never been adopted, STILL feel like they don't belong. And a lot of them never work out why - the feeling just goes away when they get older and discover that there are many ways to belong that can take us time to recognise."
She's only 9, it's so hard. But the best place to learn to belong is in your own heart - you have to learn to belong to yourself, before you can feel you belong to the people who love you. It's very hard to accept that you are loved when you can't love yourself.
Can she understand that, with everything else she has to deal with? And I do agree, I think the family tree project has stirred up a lot of confused feelings for her.
I used to feel I didn't belong. One of my sisters used to tell me I was adopted - that I wasn't even human, but a little pig that had been taught to walk on hind legs and talk, and behave like a human. She was really hateful, but her attack worked because in the first place I felt too different. I can look at the broader picture now and know that she was just being mean, but the feeling different came first. I couldn't talk to anyone about how I felt, I had few people I could relate to or who would tolerate me, I had pale-skinned sisters but I was dark-skinned because I spent so much time in the sun and often I was almost as dark as the Aboriginal kids at my school. I used to wonder if I shouldn't be living with them instead. I wanted to be considered a black - at least I would have belonged, I figured. It took a long time for me to realise that inside my head I DO belong, and I can look back and see the people who WERE there for me, as much as they could be. But when you're young and insecure, it's hard to see this. I look at photos and I see that I'm just dark, like my mother. Now, it wouldn't really matter to me. But when I was little, it mattered very much because it was very lonely inside my head.
I do hope Aly can find some peace soon (and you, too). You're doing the best you can for her. Just keep loving her and hopefully soon she'll learn that she is worthy of being loved for who she is, not where she came from.
Marg
