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<blockquote data-quote="overcome mom" data-source="post: 743950" data-attributes="member: 23328"><p>Elsi said: <a href="https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/goto/post?id=743937#post-743937" target="_blank">↑</a></p><p>Is home even an option with the pending charge? Are you in the same state? Is he allowed to leave the area where he is living?</p><p>I am sure he probably was not suppose to leave the state but it is 1,400 miles away from where we are. He had no place to stay there so I paid for him to travel to his birthmother's. I have no idea how he is going to deal with that. My guess is he will not make it there for his next court date and they will place a warrant out. His other legal trouble is a traffic ticket that is 1,000 away and a divorce about 300 miles from where he is. He has no car and no money.</p><p>I can't tell you how many things he has lost over the last 10 years</p><p>Elsi said: <a href="https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/goto/post?id=743937#post-743937" target="_blank">↑</a></p><p>When you talk to him next perhaps try to help him come up with ideas on his own.</p><p>This is the most frustrating part, if I ask him what his plans are he tell me he has no options. If I point out what options he does have he has a million reasons they will not work. He has never listened to anyone. In the past given him homeless shelter numbers etc. but again reason why he can't get there or can't go. I will mention again about trying to get into rehab. Although I have a feeling this will be very hard to do as a lot want quite a bit of money and are full. I will look into it if he agrees.</p><p>I am a total wreck when he is home and he and his Dad get into it because he doesn't want to do anything. With no car ( he is not using ours)he would go stir crazy and like you said I would have to kick him out, police, drama. Right now I am going through some health issues. In fact I had plan to have surgery today but now have to meet with a plastic surgeon first. That change may have been a blessing in disguise, I can't imagine having surgery in this frame of mind.</p><p>Elsi said: <a href="https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/goto/post?id=743937#post-743937" target="_blank">↑</a></p><p>But that support has to be provided in a structured way that helps them move forward rather than enabling them.</p><p>This is where I am having the most problem . I don't know how to distinguish the difference. I know giving money every time he asks is not good. But is something like paying his phone enabling? I have tried to support him for the last 10 years through constant running away, tons of legal trouble. We gave him a car at one point also paid for housing for almost a year after he got out of prison. Nothing has really change that much. He is a little better about not acting as if he is entitled and has not stolen from us in 7 years. I do think he tries but always the same pattern.</p><p>SomewhereOutThere said: <a href="https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/goto/post?id=743944#post-743944" target="_blank">↑</a></p><p>I was thinking that he sounded a lot like adopted young adults whose birthmothers drank and used drugs</p><p>His birthmother drank some and maybe a little drugs but I think most is a personality disorder. All of her 5 kids( by different fathers) have problems. My son has had ADD since he was little. Really don't see evidence of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)) . His Dad is so opposed to SSI and my son thinks it is taking from the government when he can work. Like I said he gets jobs but can never keep them. Right now he has no stable place to live. In fact tonight I expect to get a call that he is kicked out of birthmothers house. Homeless in an area he doesn't know about 2 hours from me.</p><p>SomewhereOutThere said: <a href="https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/goto/post?id=743944#post-743944" target="_blank">↑</a></p><p>If your son had sich a birth history, this could be the best he can.do and he cant learn from.what you do or dont do for him and he is proving it.</p><p>This is also where I get stuck. I do think his mental health is such that he will probably not get better. So that just make me feel guilty that I should help him get a place to live as he can not do it on his own. I really don't know how much the drugs play into this all as he has been using off and on since he was 16. Again what help is enabling? I can afford to help him some but not forever. It all just breaks my heart.</p><p>Thanks to everyone for listening. I can't talk to almost anyone about this as they just don't get it. I talk with my husband some but if we talk too much he just can't deal with it. He has a very different way of looking at it than I do. He still doesn't want to admit that he has some permanent organic problem.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="overcome mom, post: 743950, member: 23328"] Elsi said: [URL='https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/goto/post?id=743937#post-743937']↑[/URL] Is home even an option with the pending charge? Are you in the same state? Is he allowed to leave the area where he is living? I am sure he probably was not suppose to leave the state but it is 1,400 miles away from where we are. He had no place to stay there so I paid for him to travel to his birthmother's. I have no idea how he is going to deal with that. My guess is he will not make it there for his next court date and they will place a warrant out. His other legal trouble is a traffic ticket that is 1,000 away and a divorce about 300 miles from where he is. He has no car and no money. I can't tell you how many things he has lost over the last 10 years Elsi said: [URL='https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/goto/post?id=743937#post-743937']↑[/URL] When you talk to him next perhaps try to help him come up with ideas on his own. This is the most frustrating part, if I ask him what his plans are he tell me he has no options. If I point out what options he does have he has a million reasons they will not work. He has never listened to anyone. In the past given him homeless shelter numbers etc. but again reason why he can't get there or can't go. I will mention again about trying to get into rehab. Although I have a feeling this will be very hard to do as a lot want quite a bit of money and are full. I will look into it if he agrees. I am a total wreck when he is home and he and his Dad get into it because he doesn't want to do anything. With no car ( he is not using ours)he would go stir crazy and like you said I would have to kick him out, police, drama. Right now I am going through some health issues. In fact I had plan to have surgery today but now have to meet with a plastic surgeon first. That change may have been a blessing in disguise, I can't imagine having surgery in this frame of mind. Elsi said: [URL='https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/goto/post?id=743937#post-743937']↑[/URL] But that support has to be provided in a structured way that helps them move forward rather than enabling them. This is where I am having the most problem . I don't know how to distinguish the difference. I know giving money every time he asks is not good. But is something like paying his phone enabling? I have tried to support him for the last 10 years through constant running away, tons of legal trouble. We gave him a car at one point also paid for housing for almost a year after he got out of prison. Nothing has really change that much. He is a little better about not acting as if he is entitled and has not stolen from us in 7 years. I do think he tries but always the same pattern. SomewhereOutThere said: [URL='https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/goto/post?id=743944#post-743944']↑[/URL] I was thinking that he sounded a lot like adopted young adults whose birthmothers drank and used drugs His birthmother drank some and maybe a little drugs but I think most is a personality disorder. All of her 5 kids( by different fathers) have problems. My son has had ADD since he was little. Really don't see evidence of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)) . His Dad is so opposed to SSI and my son thinks it is taking from the government when he can work. Like I said he gets jobs but can never keep them. Right now he has no stable place to live. In fact tonight I expect to get a call that he is kicked out of birthmothers house. Homeless in an area he doesn't know about 2 hours from me. SomewhereOutThere said: [URL='https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/goto/post?id=743944#post-743944']↑[/URL] If your son had sich a birth history, this could be the best he can.do and he cant learn from.what you do or dont do for him and he is proving it. This is also where I get stuck. I do think his mental health is such that he will probably not get better. So that just make me feel guilty that I should help him get a place to live as he can not do it on his own. I really don't know how much the drugs play into this all as he has been using off and on since he was 16. Again what help is enabling? I can afford to help him some but not forever. It all just breaks my heart. Thanks to everyone for listening. I can't talk to almost anyone about this as they just don't get it. I talk with my husband some but if we talk too much he just can't deal with it. He has a very different way of looking at it than I do. He still doesn't want to admit that he has some permanent organic problem. [/QUOTE]
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