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Am I steering my own, true course or heading for the rocks?
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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 742883" data-attributes="member: 4152"><p>"How do I not bring into myself all of this in the form of pain, or denial? How can I let him be, let him be himself, without making it into a tragic story about me? It is hard. How do I stay in the present and hold hope? How to tolerate the pain and the love in the same moment, without escaping through anger or control or even conflict? How do I allow myself to be present and to feel?"</p><p></p><p>I'm not sure how. I can share a little of what we do with our special needs child, who might have some similar issues. I have less pain ever since I expect less from her. On occasion, I experience something akin to guilt, because I feel if I took over and almost ran her life, she would be in a better place. However, then I snap out of it, and recognize, that this would VERY likely just about kill me and the percentage of likelihood that all that effort would have a major positive impact is very slim. So...kill myself for a small chance of a small improvement, hardly seems like a good idea. In a certain way, it is tragic for us. No parent wants to have a child, so lost and even worse...at times in danger. I do find seeking spiritual solace helpful. My husband is also very strong and he has helped me tremendously. Few fully understand how horribly difficult this situation is for us. Not that is good for the adult child either. It is a sorrowful situation. I often say I want my daughter to simply try her best; but I am often unsure what that looks like. She doesn't seem to have a good grasp of cause and affect reasoning. BUT, she does (usually) understand basic things like cussing at me is absolutely not ok and I'm not going to tolerate this and I do think she can avoid that. So, that being said, she has greatly reduced this type of thing and when she slips up, she apologizes quickly. BUT, it goes to show you, even putting a big boundary on something (cussing) provides improvement, but no more. NOT a cure. We guide her a little where we can towards necessities. Plus, what I mentioned...boundaries like not getting in trouble with the law and not being abusive to us. She occasionally works a few hours now and then. This is all she seems to be able to muster. I try very hard to be kind and empathetic to her needs and feelings. I limit telling her about mine. I do share, but think about what I will share with her before doing so. At this time, there is a little boundary protecting my heart with reference to the loss of having a child like this. It is a tremendously difficult thing for me and no doubt all of us in this position. As a side note: She sees her psychiatrist very regularly because she actually wants to take her medication. We insist upon this, but it's not really necessary because it is something she wants to do. We have had no luck getting her to see a therapist regularly because she simply doesn't like to go to them. Also, our daughter has made tiny improvements in recent years in terms of her attitudes and behaviors...but they are very very small.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 742883, member: 4152"] "How do I not bring into myself all of this in the form of pain, or denial? How can I let him be, let him be himself, without making it into a tragic story about me? It is hard. How do I stay in the present and hold hope? How to tolerate the pain and the love in the same moment, without escaping through anger or control or even conflict? How do I allow myself to be present and to feel?" I'm not sure how. I can share a little of what we do with our special needs child, who might have some similar issues. I have less pain ever since I expect less from her. On occasion, I experience something akin to guilt, because I feel if I took over and almost ran her life, she would be in a better place. However, then I snap out of it, and recognize, that this would VERY likely just about kill me and the percentage of likelihood that all that effort would have a major positive impact is very slim. So...kill myself for a small chance of a small improvement, hardly seems like a good idea. In a certain way, it is tragic for us. No parent wants to have a child, so lost and even worse...at times in danger. I do find seeking spiritual solace helpful. My husband is also very strong and he has helped me tremendously. Few fully understand how horribly difficult this situation is for us. Not that is good for the adult child either. It is a sorrowful situation. I often say I want my daughter to simply try her best; but I am often unsure what that looks like. She doesn't seem to have a good grasp of cause and affect reasoning. BUT, she does (usually) understand basic things like cussing at me is absolutely not ok and I'm not going to tolerate this and I do think she can avoid that. So, that being said, she has greatly reduced this type of thing and when she slips up, she apologizes quickly. BUT, it goes to show you, even putting a big boundary on something (cussing) provides improvement, but no more. NOT a cure. We guide her a little where we can towards necessities. Plus, what I mentioned...boundaries like not getting in trouble with the law and not being abusive to us. She occasionally works a few hours now and then. This is all she seems to be able to muster. I try very hard to be kind and empathetic to her needs and feelings. I limit telling her about mine. I do share, but think about what I will share with her before doing so. At this time, there is a little boundary protecting my heart with reference to the loss of having a child like this. It is a tremendously difficult thing for me and no doubt all of us in this position. As a side note: She sees her psychiatrist very regularly because she actually wants to take her medication. We insist upon this, but it's not really necessary because it is something she wants to do. We have had no luck getting her to see a therapist regularly because she simply doesn't like to go to them. Also, our daughter has made tiny improvements in recent years in terms of her attitudes and behaviors...but they are very very small. [/QUOTE]
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