Angry at Setback

[RN0441]

RN, I just realized I didn't answer your question. It is perfectly fine to tell your son that you need a break. You could tell him that you need a week, a month, etc where you have no contact. I would be sure to tell him that you love him but that his actions are having a negative effect on your health and mental well being.

I think that you are still very much in the anger stage. I was in that stage for 10 years! LOL It took two years of therapy for me to get to the point of what they call radical acceptance. That is where you realize that there is nothing you can do to change the situation (your son's drug use) and let it go. It's where you are able to practice loving detachment. You can keep in contact with your son with firm boundaries and have a loving relationship without trying to fix his problems.

It is not easy to get there and like I said it took me 10 years. Ironically, when I finally did reach that stage, my daughter decided to change her life.

But if I found out tomorrow that she was using again, while I would be sad, it wouldn't really change my life.

You have a right to be angry and hurt but ultimately those are your son's choices to make . . . not yours . . . so staying angry and hurt are only hurting you.

I hope that makes sense.

Thanks. Actually I think it helps me to not talk with him. I do not know when that will end for me. I think engaging with him when I know he is not doing what I expect of him - only going through the motions of what we want from him it seems - seems to help me detach to the point where I feel better. It is all very confusing.

I'm letting my husband handle dealing with him for now. I don't know when I'll be ready to have a relationship with him again but it isn't something I want right now. I don't think in the end it makes a difference to how he decides to do things. I know he doesn't like it but maybe that is a good thing.

We did book Florida visits for Thanksgiving and Christmas for ourselves. Whether we will see our son or not is up in the air. He is 2.5 hours away from our condo. I'm hoping by then I'll be ready or I'll see change that make me want to see him. Truly none of it makes sense.