another simple possession

[standswithcourage]

Well my son just got another simple possession charge! It is amazing. He doesnt live with us at this time. He is worried about this charge. I cannot help him. I just had to share this struggle again. It is never ending. He hasnt lived with us since August then he lost his job in December and came back for a short time just to start everything over - he went to an inpatient facility - government - for 2 weeks and said he didnt want to be there - so now he is back at the familiy he lived with before but not doing any better - what now.

 

[Hound dog]

Pray while you let him fall on his face and hit rock bottom.

I know it's not easy. Going thru it with my best friend. I never knew telling someone the cold hard truth while sitting on your hands refusing to do one darn thing to help could ever be so darn hard. But it is. Still, I'm doing it. Because she's given me no choice. Every time I help her, I'm helping her to kill herself. And I just can't do that.

Hugs

 

[katya02]

It's hard to watch but your son will deal with this. The more he has to do on his own, the more discomfort he'll experience and the more incentive he'll have to change course. That doesn't mean he'll definitely change with this situation, but leaving it to him to handle will make it more likely that he'll reach his personal decision point.

In the meantime I hope you will try to conserve your energy for you, your husband, and your two other children who have endured so much all these years. All of you deserve time to focus on each other, enjoy and share things with each other without being hijacked and held hostage by your son's choices. You can only make choices for your own life. What do you enjoy? What skills or avocations do you have? What can you do in your community that would be rewarding? Reach out and reclaim your life and other things will fall into perspective.

Hugs.

 

[BusynMember]

"Let go and let God." I used to have to think of that when I was shaking and crying, thinking of my daughter after one of her three big accidents (and it wasn't even her car and she had no license.) We couldn't help her--she was of age. She owed $7,500 to some women she hurt in the accident and is still paying on that even after six years of being sober. Every day I worry that she'll relapse. Every day I say the Serenity Prayer. You can not do anything for your son anymore except let him hit rock bottom (again) and hope that is enough to motivate him to truly seek out help. But when they are ready, they are. My daughter did it without so much as one AA/NA meeting. She wanted to quit so she did. When he's ready to do it, he will. Sometimes I think nagging them makes them even worse, so I learned to bite my tongue, even as I cried. If not, I heard, "Your nagging me makes me want to get high!" Ya can't win for losing . (((Hugs)))

 

[rejectedmom]

It is so hard to watch them make the same mistakes over and over again. You know what you need to do....detach. Sending hugs for your hurting heart. -RM

 

[standswithcourage]

That is right! I did the program last night at Alanon on detachment! I did it because it is the hardest thing for me. It all sounds good until you are face to face with a situation. My son calls me and says when can you take me to the dentist - can you take me to a family doctor so I can start on suboxone treatment? I dont even know what to say anymore. I dont have the money for starters but also I dont know if suboxone would be good for him. I dont trust his behavior with other substances - he doesnt have a job right now - no car, etc. it always sounds like it is just the worst situation - I just feel like he doesnt have afighting chance. Thanks for the encouragement. I probably will need it.

 

[DDD]

I'm sorry you are in such pain. Wish I had the answers! Hugs. DDD

 

[DammitJanet]

Why would he need suboxone? That is for heroin or opiates not pot.

 

[CrazyinVA]

"I don't even know what to say anymore."

Yes, you do. You say, NO.

 

[Star*]

Stands,

I know you are disappointed and heartbroken. Sometimes the answers for our children come quicker to THEM when we butt out and let them figure things out for themselves.

It's working with Dude - and I'm not in the middle of his business 24/7 - so I don't have near the heartache. Hope you can continue to butt out. lol - yeah I said it. - Hugs

 

[janebrain]

I agree with Star 100 percent! My dtr had to find the answers herself, I had to butt out. At this point we can talk about things because she has come to a lot of realizations all on her own--we have a pretty nice relationship. She doesn't ask for my help and I don't offer it and that works for both of us.
Hugs,
Jane

 

[Ropefree]

Standswithcourage: My question for my son when he does things is: What did you think was going to happen?
Now a young adult he needs to empower himself to manage life as it is. What I like about the question is that it dignifies the fact that one does think to get into these situations and then one thinks to move on in ones life to the next situation.
Lecturing is not the answer as a parent to everything. As the parent of an adult being there for his process also requires that you listen and understand what is this person actually thinking? Male immaturity and dependancy issues are linked. He can find his way out of his dead end way of thinking. When those changes set into a persons lifestyle the results are dramatic.
If he is an addict he may be on a healthy path and only able to focus on the issue of not using. It is so sad when a person with potential in youth has wandered into a tormenting addiction and emerges with successful day, hour, minute by minute
being defined merely by what they do not do.
right now he is focused on his worry about these charges, the court dates, the details and what will happen next. What does he want from life when this is over?
What can he do where he is now to move toward his objective himself? Listen and take care of yourself and your family. He is an adult and he can and will do as he decides on his own.

 

[Steely]

Yep, detaching sounds really great in theory - but actually practicing it day by day is far more challenging.

I would suggest that you limit his calls to 1 every other day - and you set up boundaries for those calls. Tell him exactly what you will and will not talk about. Make a short list. I will not talk about anything you might 'need', because I will not give it; I will not talk about how horrible you feel; I will only talk about problems that you already have a solution for, etc. Once on the phone, and you get that feeling in your gut that he is steering the conversation down a co-dependent path - let him know that you cannot talk to him except about A, B, & C. Make it as black and white for yourself, as you do for him - even if you have to get off the phone and cry - don't show your confused or vulnerable side to him.

In all of your free time between phone calls, you have to consume it with healthy things that are just for you, so that you can become balanced and hold your healthy perspective on life. It is time for you to not let this kid orchestrate your mood every minute of every day - and yes, I know it is hard, because I am living it as well. It is unbelievably hard - but yet it is the biggest gift you could every give your son.

 

[standswithcourage]

Steely you are so smart. I appreciate your wisdom. I do agree with everything you said - how hard it is etc., he just called a few minutes ago - he is worried about he charge - wants us to try and come up with $100. - also he needs to go to the doctor for his nerves, etc., he is looking for a job - the people he is living with are having a hard time too, etc., - so I told him I cannot bail you out anymore - what did you think would happen if you continue to carry pot with you? - I talk to him and I get to the point like you said where he is directing the conversation - I told him every time he wants something he calls me - so I just pray to God - I told God that when he was a baby and younger child I did everything I could to be a good parent because he brought me so much joy - I was so happy and loved being a mother - up until the early teen years - life was full of happy times - family times - so now I prayed to God that he gave me this baby and young child and now I have to give this young adult back because I dont know what to do anymore - it makes me sad but when I think of it and let my burdens go to my God it doesnt seem as overwhelming.

 

[Steely]

Yes, that is a wonderful way to do it. Let go and let God.

Currently, I have the help of the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) Matt is in to structure our time and the parameters about which each conversation is going to contain. It is really helping to change the dynamic of our relationship, However, he starting to get more and more time on the phone, and I can see the old ways start to creep back into our conversations. I want to fix every problem he brings to me - and I literally have to bite my tongue not to continue this cycle that I am much repsonsible for as he is.

That is why I still insist on our phone calls being every other day, only for 15 minutes, and only about the progress he is making, or fun things he is doing. He actually adheres to it better than I do, because I can see down the road, and see how a certain thing he is doing are going to impact him, and I want to step in a be the yield sign in his life.

I read co-dependent no more years ago - and I am going to go purchase it again today at Half Price Books. Just so I have the words right when I speak to him. Maybe you already have that book? It is very helpful.

But for you, maybe following this same outline the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) has set up for Matt and I would help with your own son?

And again, write it down, so that when he calls for money you have the script in front of you on what and how to say it. The how is the important piece. Something like "Z that is really tough. You know I cannot help, so what are you gonna do?" Putting the onus back on him, every, single, flipping time. A weird analogy is potty training a dog. Don't let difficult child poo in your house. Every time your difficult child tries to "dump" on you, remove him and put him outside of your boundaries.

Hugs and strength.

 

[standswithcourage]

that makes perfect sense Steely.