Another year and I'm still the devil

[Deni D]

Today is is my son's 26th birthday. He has anosognosia which means he doesn't believe he is mentally ill. So of course he does not get treatment for his Bipolar disorder. His delusion is that he's been traumatized by me his whole life and he has complex PTSD from it. According to him I am extremely damaged, I'm narcissistic, and have a slew of cluster B personality disorders too. He's been very busy psychoanalyzing me and trying to get me to see the error of my ways and go get help for myself. Then he believes I'll do something, I'm not sure what, to make amends and make his life right. I guess maybe take care of him and give him all I have for the rest of my life, sigh, I don't know.

I can't have anything close to a normal conversation with him. As I understand it with someone with his condition you are not supposed to outright disagree with them but try to get a trusting relationship back with them so if and when they might decide to get help for themselves you are there for them. Problem I have is I've been at trying this for a couple of years now. I'm not the person who can do it because he see's me as the "issue". He's extremely verbally abusive with me, and even though I know where it's coming from it effects me every time and takes me out completely for a while too many times. I don't think I can do it anymore.

As it stands he does not work, does not go to the doctors, has alienated himself from anyone close to him, has no friends. He still manages to live in the house he's been in for a couple of years now. I believe he's been able to stay there because he lives in the downstairs where no on else is and they stay away from him not knowing what to do about him. The adult in the house is obviously a huge enabler who knows he can't get my son out unless he has him evicted.

I keep praying for someone who will have a good influence in his life to come around and sticks around. It's really sad.

 

[Nomad]

Someone who has a good influence on him will definitely be a positive.
Our child with this diagnosis is aware she has it and takes medications. But, the medications only go so far. She had helpful therapy as a young person. She doesn’t think she needs it some more. She does.
Oddly, there is some good side I suppose that your son is living in that house. He has a roof over his head. Does he expect any money from you? Is he expected at least to clean or handle some household responsibilities regularly? At least that would keep him from living in a fantasy world of some kind. Just a guess...but a healthy person wouldn’t want to live under such circumstances and would want more for themselves.
by the way, blaming you for all his woes is immature at best.

 

[Deni D]

Hi Nomad ~ My son used to be aware, before he started drinking and doing all the other things he's done. He had different therapists along with family therapy through the years, in addition to lots of social skill type of activities and a very good psychiatrist who was careful with medication. All gone to wind now. I don't know what the expectations are of him in that house but I've heard from others that the inside is not exactly pristine. The outside doesn't look bad, lawn is mowed and such but I don't know if he's helping with it. In the past before my son refused to do anything but berate me when speaking to me he has mentioned helping the home owner with projects. He gets no money from me anymore and no longer asks, which means he's getting money from somewhere. I would help him if he were helping himself but he's not.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Deni

I read both of your posts. I think it's inevitable that on special days like birthdays that we both yearn for and worry about our children, and more than that rethink the circumstances and whether there's another way to go.

I am trying to see an opening for you. Not necessarily to speak to your son, or see him or help. Maybe I mean a way to hold him in your mind and heart or even to think about your son and his situation in a way so as to feel that you are in a constructive place. Because I believe we want to be relationship to our children, even though we can't be. By relationship in this context I mean an attitude.

What I am left with is this. Your son (or his delusion) is leaving you no opening at all. That is not necessarily so bad, because it is hard to see how any interaction with him would not be damaging to you and to him, as long as his belief system is so rigid. There do seem to be positives. That he has maintained this residence to me seems positive. That he is independent seems positive. That he is maintaining himself financially seems positive. That he seems healthy, and apparently has had no involvement with law enforcement seems positive.
I
We want to do more. We feel we should do more. But these are grown adults. They get to make their own medical decisions, unless they are involuntarily treated and hospitalized.

The smartest thing I have done in the years of trouble with my son was to back off and to let him handle his life as he could. With that I showed him the respect to which he is entitled to and my confidence that he can handle his life. That's what I see you doing. And I got myself out of the way so I was not damaged so terribly. Once I did this I saw that I had created so much of my own misery. I had inserted myself in between my son and his life. This hurt him and hurt me. I think you are doing the only thing you can do and the right thing. Does it make it easy? No. I am sorry.

 

[Deni D]

Hey Copa, hope you are doing good these days.

Ugh, this is going to be so negative. I think I'll go outside and mindlessly do some weeding to try to change my attitude after this.

There do seem to be positives. That he has maintained this residence to me seems positive. That he is independent seems positive. That he is maintaining himself financially seems positive. That he seems healthy, and apparently has had no involvement with law enforcement seems positive.

I don't think he's done much of anything to maintain his residence, I think rather he's found someone who he can use who's a real push over. He's not doing anything to maintain himself financially, that is unless he's figured out some secret to not lift one finger to work and do it. I know he got the stimulus money and gave most of it away to some get rich quick scheme, so like him with money. I don't know about his physical health in general, know he's in desperate need of dentist and now as of his 26th birthday he has no medical insurance. The last involvement with law enforcement that I know of was a year ago where he got blind drunk at a party and hurt himself while trying to fight a guy twice his size. They called the police and he gave them a hard time, he was eventually carted off to the hospital to get checked out and dry out. He was lucky. I just found out about this incident a couple of weeks ago, was offered to view the video the people at the party took of him, I declined. He's no longer welcome at the house where the party was or with that group of people.

The smartest thing I have done in the years of trouble with my son was to back off and to let him handle his life as he could.

I've been trying that. I don't contact him and when he contacts me I try to talk to him in a manner that conveys I think he can handle his life and do what he determines is best for him. It's always a bunch of name calling and blaming of me though. He's got this learned helplessness thing down pat, can't get anywhere in life because I've messed him up so bad. I don't get at all confrontational with him but nothing calms him down.

Off to go dig in the dirt. Hope you are doing things that make you content and happy these days. Hmm, which reminds me, maybe I'll go visit the new puppy next door too .

 

[JMom]

Hey Deni,

How are things going? What did you plant? Are your veggies (flowers?) blooming? How was the puppy next door? I bet it is getting big! Keep us updated!
JMOM

 

[Deni D]

Hey Jmom, I'm doing good. Hope you are too. My digging in the dirt lately is mostly weeding, ha! I do have flowers, I moved more toward perennials so I'm not buying and planting a bunch each year. This year that worked out really well, no wrestling with my conscience over whether to take a trip to pick up plants would be risking corona virus spread. I have huge gladiolas in all different colors blooming now. They don't all bloom at the same time so it's kind of cool to see them come and go as they do. I have a couple of neighbors across the street from me who like the view they get of the different colors as the flowers bloom now that they are working from home. There's also something amazing that's been going on more and more over the last few years with what I thought were annuals. I planted snap dragons in a flower bed in the front of my house. The snapdragons no longer come up where I planted them but they have started coming up in the rocks around bushes I have right in front and on the side of my house. They also come up in the spaces between the walkway blocks. I've learned to identify them and weed around them. This year I have a real bumper crop, just beautiful. I think maybe this happened because I have bee balm in the flower beds which attracts bees and butterflys. From looking at the outside of my house you might think I have a green thumb, I do not, I have one barely surviving aloe plant inside. Mother nature takes care of the outside, other than my digging. I find for me, barefoot walking around or sitting on the ground doing whatever really has a way to bring me back to simple things and balance me out.
As far as that puppy goes, holy smokes is he getting big! He is just so cute and so excited when he see's me and a couple of the other neighbors who visit. He's being trained and learning not to jump and "taste" us so much these days, which is good for me because I have very thin skin on my hands. I've had to tell his owner a few times not to worry about the blood, ha, I don't even feel it. One of the best things about this puppy is to see how life can go on and be good. This neighbor is the nephew of a very close friend of mine who passed in April, he had lived with her for the past few years. To see what he went through in the middle of the unbelievable chaos of the health care system up here, all that he tried to do for her in the middle of unfathomable, bizarreness and road blocks, just heart breaking. And now how he has come out on the other side is so great to see. He has gone to therapy and continues, he hasn't let his life's circumstances defeat him. He is a stronger person now than before and able to open up to people more now than before, his words. He's doing better in many areas of his life than before now, I see it daily. His Aunt loved him so much and was proud of him before, she would be amazed today.

 

[JMom]

Hey Deni,

It sounds like you found some simple stuff to bring you back to center. That makes me very joyful. I too, enjoy nature to simply things. I'm glad your neighbor is on the other side. We all need encouragement to see the brighter side of life. Now I want to pet the puppy. LOL

JMOM