at the end of my rope

[soccerdog3]

My beautiful talented athletic 37 year old turned to pills after her career as a Division I soccer player ended. She was no longer the "star" and could not cope. She had done some pills at end of college with her hockey player " friends?" Also was given pain killers when she was injured. She had several concussions but there was no concussion protocol at the time. She was a dynamic player and they needed her in the game in high school and college no matter what. There was no concussion protocol at the time and she suffered several. Graduation was the beginning of the end for her...Deeper and deeper into pain killers. Lost job after job, relationship after relationship. Stealing and heaven knows what. Came from an affluent area but lived with a divorced single mother who had nothing but joy with this girl growing up...not spoiled, not complaining,,,just a joy and great relationship. I could not afford an excessive lifestyle and she was ok with that.

Since she graduated from college, she has been a nightmare. I do not know her. She has been on and off pills for the last 15 years. Lived with me in 2012 when I had to ask her to leave. Went out of state and last year returned to "stay" with me for a while...about a year now.Works 3 jobs but lies and recently stole a credit card when I was away, then took my atm card (got my pin) and took out money. She says she was saving an acquaintance she met at one rehab to pay the money she owed to a drug dealer...she swear that is where the money went????? Have not noticed drug behavioral changes so am at a loss as to whether to believe her. That is not the issue. She has been fine for months than does something not thinking of the consequences. My gut says to make her move out, however, I dont think she can survive. I am 71 years old and have given her emotional and financial support. I am so tired now. Her older brother is bipolar and on disability but has found a life of his own out west. I am questioning whether she is bipolar also. Just read a thread about strict boundaries. I am going to make a list and make sure she follows them if I choose to let her live here. Her three older siblings and x husband have divergent opinions but of course talk is cheap and I am the one who is living with her, as I did with her bipolar brother for 4 years. That was a complete nightmare with suicide attempts. I have no joy in my life and am so tired.

 

[Tanya M]

Oh Soccerdog, I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with. I'm glad you found us here. Others will come along and chime in.

Nothing will change until you change it. At 71 you should not have to take care of an adult child.
Yes, boundaries are a must. It's one thing to make a list of boundaries and it's another to adhere to them.

I understand your fear about her not being able to make it on her own but you will not be around forever to take care of her. One thing I have learned on this journey is that our difficult adult children, no matter how messed up they are, somehow manage to get by. They do not live a conventional type of life, a life that we would hope for them, but they live their lives on their terms.

There is a very good article at the top of the Parent Emeritus forum about detaching. I suggest you read it and re-read it. Take what will work for you.

Again, I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with.

Sending you ((HUGS))

 

[recoveringenabler]

Soccerdog, welcome. I'm so sorry you're struggling with your daughter's behaviors and choices. It's a difficult path when our kids go off the rails, no matter the age, no matter the reason......it's devastating for parents.

I have a daughter who has behaved in the fashion your daughter behaves...not substance abuse.... mental illness.....and as with your scenario, it was slowly stealing my very life force having to deal with the drama, trauma & manipulation.... I am close to your age......... and I wanted to have peace and joy in my life..... which meant I had to learn how to detach, set boundaries, re-learn self care and how to accept what I can't change. I made the choice to begin learning about detachment before I followed my daughter down the rabbit hole and didn't have the strength or the resolve to get myself back out.

I would encourage you to follow your gut. Get yourself in a supportive environment where you can be safe, get heard, learn options, vent, grieve, get your needs met, learn how to set boundaries and learn to prioritize your own needs and desires. When we've been at this a long time, as you have with 2 troubled adult kids, we become depleted, depressed, exhausted and hollowed out inside as a result of years of abandoning ourselves for our kids needs. It's time for you to have the life you've imagined you would have at 71 years old.

If you believe your daughter struggles with bi-polar or any mental or emotional issues, try giving NAMI (The National Alliance on Mental Illness) a call. They offer very good parent courses which may give you options, resources, support and information. You can access them online. You might try getting into a 12 step group such as Al Anon, Narc Anon or Families Anonymous. Many members here find solace in the 12 step groups. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. A good resource book is Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. If you want to check out therapists in your area google The Psychology Today website or goodtherapy.org. Both sites offer local therapists.

The issue we generally face is we wait for our kids to change. Generally, since we're enabling them, they don't have any incentive to change. WE have to do the heavy lifting of change. WE have to seek out support to learn how to take care of ourselves when our kids are off the rails.

Hang in there Soccerdog, this stuff is hard. Take care of you now. You matter, your needs and desires matter, your feelings matter. Find a supportive environment to assist you in making the changes necessary so that you can find your peace and joy. Continue posting here, it helps. You're not alone. We'll do our best to support you. I'm glad you found us.