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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 535188"><p>Oh Exhausted I am so sorry you are going through this. I do think it would be a good idea to talk to the bank and say it was unauthorized use of your card and see if they can file something. I know how hard this is but it may be time for the system to get invovled. With her still being a minor there are things they can do still.... once she is 18 it gets harder to force any kind of tx but easier to kick them out of the house.</p><p></p><p>I have been thinking about the enabling and detachment thing. I think for me I had to get to a place where I not only thought about my own sanity but I also thought about the long term consequences of my actions. I came to the conclusion that with my difficult child that him living at home, behaving the way he was behaving, he was only learning that nothing he did mattered, and that he could defy us with no consequences. My realization was the world does not work that way and I did not want to give him the message that it does because it doesn't. Later on when we let him be homeless (hardest thing I ever did) it was a similar thing. I realized he would never go for help as long as he could keep getting us to pay for things, or pay for the next sober house... that we had to let him really face the consequences of his actions and that meant being homeless. That by not doing that I wasn't saving him, I was just prolonging things. The only way he would get help of any kind was when he had no other options.</p><p></p><p>That has been true for him.... I can't say what it is for other difficult children. I do know though that I had to get to a place where my actions came from a place of love (even if it didnt feel that way to him) and also a place of letting go and letting him take control of his life... no matter how bad his choices are.</p><p></p><p>It is a hellish ride though.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 535188"] Oh Exhausted I am so sorry you are going through this. I do think it would be a good idea to talk to the bank and say it was unauthorized use of your card and see if they can file something. I know how hard this is but it may be time for the system to get invovled. With her still being a minor there are things they can do still.... once she is 18 it gets harder to force any kind of tx but easier to kick them out of the house. I have been thinking about the enabling and detachment thing. I think for me I had to get to a place where I not only thought about my own sanity but I also thought about the long term consequences of my actions. I came to the conclusion that with my difficult child that him living at home, behaving the way he was behaving, he was only learning that nothing he did mattered, and that he could defy us with no consequences. My realization was the world does not work that way and I did not want to give him the message that it does because it doesn't. Later on when we let him be homeless (hardest thing I ever did) it was a similar thing. I realized he would never go for help as long as he could keep getting us to pay for things, or pay for the next sober house... that we had to let him really face the consequences of his actions and that meant being homeless. That by not doing that I wasn't saving him, I was just prolonging things. The only way he would get help of any kind was when he had no other options. That has been true for him.... I can't say what it is for other difficult children. I do know though that I had to get to a place where my actions came from a place of love (even if it didnt feel that way to him) and also a place of letting go and letting him take control of his life... no matter how bad his choices are. It is a hellish ride though. TL [/QUOTE]
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