Back to square one :(

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Mar 11, 2013.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I woke up this morning to a missed call from difficult child. He tried to call late last night but I was asleep. He then called at 7 am and told me that he's "probably getting kicked out of the shelter today". I asked why and he said he didn't know and it's not his fault. I knew there was more to the story because there always is. I kept myself calm and level and told him I'm sorry to hear that and it's a shame bc they did a lot to try to help him.

    After I hung up with him I emailed the shelter director to find out the real story. She emailed me back and said that yes, he is in fact being asked to leave because over the last several weeks his behavior has been out of control. She said she doesn't even know where to start and that he's lucky he's not back in jail. I'm assuming that he stole something. Anyway, I then tried to call her but she didn't answer so I replied to her email and thanked her for all of her help over the last 3.5 months. I also asked if she could advise me on what to do now but I haven't heard back from her.

    I'm actually pretty numb. Not panicking or freaking out like I would normally do which is very surprising. Yes, I'm really disgusted and angry at difficult child and yes, I'm disappointed that he has to leave there but I'm ok. I'm not sure what will happen now. Maybe he'll get arrested? Maybe not. But I hope he uses his head and goes to either his probation officer or the office of temp assistance and tries to get help. As far as I know he never got on any medications and he's definitely mentally ill however he will never admit that. In his mind it's never ever him.

    Uggggh! It's such a shame that after all of the time everyone else put into helping him all of these months he's right back to square one!
  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    So sorry to hear that! Stay strong and hopefully he will help himself this time around.
  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry! I bet most of us have watched our difficult children throw away so many opportunities that so many good people/organizations have given them! I just want to shake our difficult child and say 'wake up!' but it wouldn't help.
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I'm sorry to hear this. It sounds like you're handling it as well as you can. Stay strong....hug
  5. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    It's hard! My difficult child, in my opinion, is actually worse than he was years ago. His dad always said if it wasn't for bad luck, he would have no luck at all.

    It just doesn't occur to a difficult child that they create their own luck. Detaching helps tremendously, I wish I had learned that a long time ago.
  6. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    His probation officer just called me and said difficult child is there. He said difficult child was accused of several thefts at the shelter and there are gang members after him. He said difficult child can come back to nj and that he's going to try to get him help from the YMCA so he can come back. Wonderful. So I asked - then what? What happens when he comes back? He has no services, can't come here, he's not on medications, etc. The guy was such a jerk bc I said no he can't come here. Uggggh! NOW I'm freaking out!
  7. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I can't even believe that difficult child could be back in nj by tonight. I know he'll try to come here. And then I will have to turn him away and Im sure it will get ugly. What a f'd up system we have in this country. I've been begging for someone - anyone- to help this kid for years and everyone keeps saying sorry not my problem. Even his probation officer now wants to wash his hands of him! I'm going to scream!!!!!!!!
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Go ahead and scream. At least we will listen.
    Sorry I don't have any good advice to offer...
  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    (((((HUGS))))) Protect yourself.
  10. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I'm scared FOR him and OF him all at the same time. I don't know if there really are gang members after him or if he just told the PO that. I just contacted the kid he told the PO he's staying with and the kid said no way. So that's a lie. I'm sure difficult child is desperate but I can't imagine what this PO is thinking? Just put him on a bus to nowhere?? Really??? No services, no shelter, nothing??? Wtf????
  11. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Dang this system is so frustrating! I get so angry reading these things. No way in heck I would let him back in my home. He is 18 so you aren't required to. Let them know the YMCA needs to be super helpful and find him a place to stay.
  12. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    The YMCA offers a relocation program for homeless people who need to get back to their families and support services. I just read on their website that they are required to have verified housing waiting for them before they are issued a bus ticket. I hope that's true bc he does not have verified housing here. The PO had the nerve to ask if I would pay his bus fare back to NJ if the YMCA didn't work out. I said no. Sorry. I know I must seem horrible but to send him back to nj with no resources is a set up for failure. I would think a probation officer would have a better suggestion than THAT!
  13. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I know I sound like the world's worst mother. Gang members after my son (supposedly) and I won't let him come home. I could never have imagined this in my wildest dreams. I have stood my ground for this long and tried to help him yet he's still out there stealing from anyone and everyone. And now he wants me to come to his rescue and clean up his mess? No. I'm sorry but no!
  14. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    No, you don't sound like the world's worst mother! If there were gang members after my kid, there's no way in HELL I'd let them come home! Stay strong, you are doing the right thing. He needs to figure this out on his own.
  15. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    His friend sent me a message on fb saying that difficult child called him and said he's staying with someone else. Not sure if that's true. Not sure where he'll wind up or if he'll be ok. I'm heartbroken once again. I really thought things were going well lately and that maybe just maybe this bs was behind us. I guess I was wrong. Apparently this bs will never stop. :'(
  16. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    JKF, I'm very sorry to hear this. However, I wouldn't address it as back to square one, because for over three months, your difficult child has had a roof over his head, which you assisted him in finding. That doesn't go down the drain, it was time well spent, for difficult child and certainly for you. Your feelings of disappointment and anger are absolutely appropriate, however, you are "not panicking or freaking out. This is VERY, VERY good. difficult child will be throwing stuff at you for awhile and you responded quite differently. This is something to acknowledge and give yourself credit for. In the three months you've learned a lot about detachment and how to respond without hurting yourself. So, don't look at it like he's back to square one, look at it like he had over three months of safety and when that ended, you responded in an appropriate and self caring way. You are simply now at another crossroads where choices will need to be made, end of story. And, since you know how to make good choices, you can trust yourself to know how to respond in this new circumstance. Good job!
  17. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Thank you RE. That's definitely another way to look at this. I'm worried and scared and sad but I'm not in that panicked frenzy that I used to get in when anything like this would happen in the past. I guess that's definitely an improvement compared to what my reaction would have been a year ago at this time.

    I really hope he'll be ok and figure out a solution. I've done all I can at this point and he continues to chose time and time again to make the same bad decisions. There's really nothing more I can do until he decides he wants to change. I will love him ALWAYS but he needs to figure this out himself this time.
  18. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    The shelter director finally emailed me back. She apologized and said she was in training all day. She asked if he signed a release allowing her to talk to me about his case. I told her I don't know so I'm not sure if she can provide me with any info about what happened. I thanked her for her help and amazing kindness over the last 3.5 months and told her I was very sorry this happened. I'm sure I'll hear back from her tomorrow but the situation still is what it is. difficult child is on the streets with no medications and no where to go. When will this ever end?
  19. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    She just replied - She said he's been stealing from residents at the shelter and also from the community. She assured me that there are no gang members after him and agreed with me that he should not be able to return to our home. I thanked her again and told her I will never ever forget how kind she's been to me during this horrible nightmare.
  20. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I'm very sorry you had to hear that. I pray he stays safe.