Before I make a mistake.....

[Lost in sadness]

ok, I wake up this morning and read a terrible post on Instagram from my son....it hurts me, I feel ashamed, embarrassed distressed. I know i should not have commented but I did. I just wrote 'classy'. In seconds he had removed me/blocked me etc. My only piece of him I had left. I just don't get it.
I'm now holding myself back from something that had been in my mind. A desperate move. I want to find a way of getting a message to everyone that knows him, maybe on Facebook. To tell them this is not who he is. The posts he posts of coming from a terrible background etc, I want to scream "its a lie"!!! I want to post the beautiful picture I have of him only a couple of years ago, school ones of him outside a Castle that was his private school, laughing outside our beautiful house on a private road, pictures on holidays with his sister in exotic countries. I want to say "here, this is who he is!, if any of you are his friends then help him, help him stop this, don't buy drugs from him, don't sell him drugs....please..."
My son never came from a poor council estate. He is not stupid. He is not a gangster. Not a drug user. Not a drug seller. I don't understand. It's my final hope to make him see...should I?

Today is not good.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Lost, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

The best advice I can offer is to step back and do nothing. I know that's hard because as a mom we want to be able to go in and fix what's wrong in our children's lives but the hard truth is, we can't and we shouldn't.

It's one thing when our children are small but when they grow into adults our influence over them loses power. That's not to say that we can't still offer suggestions and advice but we need to be careful with that. Our adult kids want to live their lives on their terms and the more we try and tell them or their friends that we think they are making poor choices, the more they will dig their heels in and rebel against us.

It is quite possible that your son set you up with the ugly post in hopes that you would respond so he could block you with what in his mind is a valid reason. I can also tell you that this type of behavior is very common and also short lived. My own son has cut off communication with me more than a few times but when he gets in trouble suddenly he re-appears because he "needs" me.

One of the best things I ever did for myself was to stop seeing my adult son as the sweet little boy he once used to be. For whatever reasons our difficult adult children have changed into people we don't recognize. This is just a hard truth. As long as we continue to see them as the sweet loving little boy or girl they were, we allow ourselves to stay stuck and open ourselves up to enabling them.
Once I started seeing my son for who has chosen to be, I was better at accepting it. It doesn't mean I approve of his lifestyle or poor choices, I don't. What it does mean is I do not have any control over his life or choices. The only control I have is how I choose to respond.

My husband and I spent tens of thousands of dollars and many years trying to help our son. In the end, it did nothing as our son has chosen to live his life the way he wants.

Again, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I get it.

((HUGS))

 

[RN0441]

Tanya thank you for your post.

You said it all!

I know all this but it is good to reread it again and again!

 

[Lost in sadness]

Hi Lost, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

The best advice I can offer is to step back and do nothing. I know that's hard because as a mom we want to be able to go in and fix what's wrong in our children's lives but the hard truth is, we can't and we shouldn't.

It's one thing when our children are small but when they grow into adults our influence over them loses power. That's not to say that we can't still offer suggestions and advice but we need to be careful with that. Our adult kids want to live their lives on their terms and the more we try and tell them or their friends that we think they are making poor choices, the more they will dig their heels in and rebel against us.

It is quite possible that your son set you up with the ugly post in hopes that you would respond so he could block you with what in his mind is a valid reason. I can also tell you that this type of behavior is very common and also short lived. My own son has cut off communication with me more than a few times but when he gets in trouble suddenly he re-appears because he "needs" me.

One of the best things I ever did for myself was to stop seeing my adult son as the sweet little boy he once used to be. For whatever reasons our difficult adult children have changed into people we don't recognize. This is just a hard truth. As long as we continue to see them as the sweet loving little boy or girl they were, we allow ourselves to stay stuck and open ourselves up to enabling them.
Once I started seeing my son for who has chosen to be, I was better at accepting it. It doesn't mean I approve of his lifestyle or poor choices, I don't. What it does mean is I do not have any control over his life or choices. The only control I have is how I choose to respond.

My husband and I spent tens of thousands of dollars and many years trying to help our son. In the end, it did nothing as our son has chosen to live his life the way he wants.

Again, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I get it.

((HUGS))

Tanya, this is a beautiful post, thank you! Everything you say is so right and I know it. It's what I would say to someone else but somehow the minute you add emotional attachment it becomes harder.
I rack my brain for the bits I missed, the stuff I got wrong but I'm learning. I know that as a mother I was never perfect but equally I was not so bad to deserve this heartache.
Yes, I still see him as a little boy - my little boy. The blond, carefree, articulate, popular little boy. Never once did I imagine this.
I also own that I feel others see this as a reflection on my parenting and I feel I need to defend that.
Thank you for taking the time to share with me xx

 

[TheWalrus]

My daughter has done this to me numerous times. Wrote the most horrific lies that put her in the victim role when it came to us. It too once hurt me greatly. I too tried to reason with her, call her out, etc. It only made the attacks worse. I blocked HER. I realized that anyone who knew me, knew she was lying. And anyone who didn't was either like her or would discover who she has become on their own. I know she still blasts me from time to time, but now that she cannot see me online, I know it is less. And because I cannot see it, it no longer controls me. This is who she is NOW. No, this isn't who she was growing up and living in our house. But drugs makes them into someone else, someone ugly, someone you don't recognize. This is who he is. Hopefully, not forever, but for now you have to accept that. And the best thing you can do is save yourself by no longer seeing and reading those hurtful things. He knows where you are. He knows how to reach you. If he needs you, he knows how.

 

[Catmom]

Lost in sadness,

Don't beat yourself up over writing the "classy" comment. I too lost control with my son and gave in to his games when he text me and insulted me and said all kinds of rude things to me. Goodness, my parents were absolutely horrible and abusive when I was young and I never once talked to them like that. I did beat myself up a little for not being in more control and ignoring everything he was saying, but lesson learned for next time. I now know not to play into any comments that he says or posts on text me, after all, he is like a little kid looking for a reaction. And going forward, when he can talk to me like the 22 year old adult that he is, I will talk to him. In the meantime, when he acts like a kid, I am going to ignore it and block him if need be to protect my sanity.
And yes, like what you are saying, my son grew up in the suburbs typical middle class family yet he seems to think that selling drugs and stealing are a good way to supplement your income. by the way...he goes to court in April for his part time job of selling drugs. Sorry for sarcasm.

 

[Tanya M]

I feel others see this as a reflection on my parenting and I feel I need to defend that.

This is a very normal feeling. I've been there. What I can tell you is that those who really know you know that you are not a bad parent. Those that want to judge you have no clue what it's like to have lived through what we have. I say to them, live one week in the chaos and drama we have lived and they would run screaming.

It's easier said than done but do try not to put importance on what other people think of you. Their opinions do not matter. You, me and all the other moms and dads here have done the best we could. Of course we have all made mistakes, done and said things we wish we could change but in the end, our adult difficult children have made their own choices of how they will live their lives. That's on them, no us.

Hang in there dear lady!!

 

[Lost in sadness]

My daughter has done this to me numerous times. Wrote the most horrific lies that put her in the victim role when it came to us. It too once hurt me greatly. I too tried to reason with her, call her out, etc. It only made the attacks worse. I blocked HER. I realized that anyone who knew me, knew she was lying. And anyone who didn't was either like her or would discover who she has become on their own. I know she still blasts me from time to time, but now that she cannot see me online, I know it is less. And because I cannot see it, it no longer controls me. This is who she is NOW. No, this isn't who she was growing up and living in our house. But drugs makes them into someone else, someone ugly, someone you don't recognize. This is who he is. Hopefully, not forever, but for now you have to accept that. And the best thing you can do is save yourself by no longer seeing and reading those hurtful things. He knows where you are. He knows how to reach you. If he needs you, he knows how.

Thank you for your post. Your words are right and it feels a comfort to know there are people like you that understand, although I am sorry you do!! Thank you for this, it almost allows me to relax to be reassured I am doing the right thing xxx