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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 755073" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Daisy,</p><p>My oh my, your plate is definitely over filled. We can only do so much, our wayward adult kids need to take responsibility for their choices, for their children. I know how difficult this road is to travel with grands in the mix. I had to step back for my own sanity years ago, but was able to keep in contact with my grandchildren. The rest of the story is still unfolding as you know. It is not possible to be everything for everybody without draining our own health and resources. I am glad you are taking steps to make sure you have time for yourself, to keep your strength up. It is entirely unreasonable and unacceptable for your daughter to take advantage of you, time wise and in every other way. I know how that feels. During the revolving door years in an out of our home, our daughter would disappear at times leaving the kids, or lie in bed (impossible to wake up) whilst we fed the kids breakfast and got ready for work, got them off to school. I cringe thinking about it. There is so much more to the story. We focused on the grands welfare, but that just gave their mom more freedom to go rogue. My youngest daughter and son tell me that they didn’t realize how chaotic their lives were growing up with their sisters and niece and nephews comings and goings. In that way, our focus was taken off of our younger two, which was immensely unfair to them.</p><p>The last exodus from our home was a nightmare, my daughter screaming “These are my kids, you have no say, no rights!” echoes in my head, the audacity of that, after rearranging our own home and schedules to help, many times. That ache of loss of normalcy for <em>all</em> of us because of my daughters addiction, selfishness and poor choices. </p><p>My grands saw the disrespect firsthand, I’m sure it was a lesson in confusion for them. I wondered the effect as they saw their parents abusing the privilege to live in our home, taking advantage of us in countless ways.</p><p>I had to step back. It was hard, each time my daughter unsuccessfully tried to leave her abusive boyfriend, we tried everything to help her get on the right track, to focus on herself, her kids. We got lost in the maelstrom of it all. It became a horrendous pattern.</p><p>Looking back, I have to wonder if we had not stepped in and allowed things to unfold to the point where our grands might have entered the foster system earlier, the discomfort of seeing their kids in the hands of strangers, maybe that would have been a turn around point for their parents. But that was not the case. Their parents shuffled the kids between grandparents homes for years, escaping the reach of the system, going further and further off the rails. Their feeling was that it was <em>our</em> job to step in.</p><p>There is something to be said in this story as far as saying no. No, I will not be rescue grandma. There was a woman who was here years back who fell into the same pattern and wiped out her time and savings in the midst of it. I think her daughter ended up having five kids. She relied heavily on her mom, and her mom was sucked in through her love and relationship with her eldest grands.</p><p>Why do these young wayward adults keep having children when they have no clue how to care for them? Is it partly because we grandparents will step in and take on the responsibility? There is a comfort for them in this, knowing their kids are with family. A sense of entitlement. It is a rock and a hard place for us. These are our flesh and blood. We love them. But, how do we get our adult kids to see that we have raised our kids and have our own lives to live? </p><p>When I joined this forum, I was at my wits end and had decided that if my daughter tried to come back, I would steer her towards a DV shelter, and I did several times. It was hard. But I did. It was because the years of “helping” taught the parents nothing, and the kids suffered. We all suffered through the chaos and addiction.</p><p>I am glad you have considered your own situation and have realized that guardianship is not an option. I know it must weigh heavily on you, Daisy. These are your daughters kids, her responsibility. She will have to find her way.</p><p>That is a good thing.</p><p>For her and her kids.</p><p>Your firmness and resolve may help her take on her responsibility to care for her children.</p><p>If she does not, there are other options.</p><p>There is no worse model for our grandkids than their parents taking advantage of us. It breeds a cycle of disrespect and unfair expectation. It is abusive in so many ways and a horrible example of what family is.</p><p>You are doing the right thing, for you, for your daughter and your grandchildren.</p><p>Take care and stay strong.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 755073, member: 19522"] Hi Daisy, My oh my, your plate is definitely over filled. We can only do so much, our wayward adult kids need to take responsibility for their choices, for their children. I know how difficult this road is to travel with grands in the mix. I had to step back for my own sanity years ago, but was able to keep in contact with my grandchildren. The rest of the story is still unfolding as you know. It is not possible to be everything for everybody without draining our own health and resources. I am glad you are taking steps to make sure you have time for yourself, to keep your strength up. It is entirely unreasonable and unacceptable for your daughter to take advantage of you, time wise and in every other way. I know how that feels. During the revolving door years in an out of our home, our daughter would disappear at times leaving the kids, or lie in bed (impossible to wake up) whilst we fed the kids breakfast and got ready for work, got them off to school. I cringe thinking about it. There is so much more to the story. We focused on the grands welfare, but that just gave their mom more freedom to go rogue. My youngest daughter and son tell me that they didn’t realize how chaotic their lives were growing up with their sisters and niece and nephews comings and goings. In that way, our focus was taken off of our younger two, which was immensely unfair to them. The last exodus from our home was a nightmare, my daughter screaming “These are my kids, you have no say, no rights!” echoes in my head, the audacity of that, after rearranging our own home and schedules to help, many times. That ache of loss of normalcy for [I]all[/I] of us because of my daughters addiction, selfishness and poor choices. My grands saw the disrespect firsthand, I’m sure it was a lesson in confusion for them. I wondered the effect as they saw their parents abusing the privilege to live in our home, taking advantage of us in countless ways. I had to step back. It was hard, each time my daughter unsuccessfully tried to leave her abusive boyfriend, we tried everything to help her get on the right track, to focus on herself, her kids. We got lost in the maelstrom of it all. It became a horrendous pattern. Looking back, I have to wonder if we had not stepped in and allowed things to unfold to the point where our grands might have entered the foster system earlier, the discomfort of seeing their kids in the hands of strangers, maybe that would have been a turn around point for their parents. But that was not the case. Their parents shuffled the kids between grandparents homes for years, escaping the reach of the system, going further and further off the rails. Their feeling was that it was [I]our[/I] job to step in. There is something to be said in this story as far as saying no. No, I will not be rescue grandma. There was a woman who was here years back who fell into the same pattern and wiped out her time and savings in the midst of it. I think her daughter ended up having five kids. She relied heavily on her mom, and her mom was sucked in through her love and relationship with her eldest grands. Why do these young wayward adults keep having children when they have no clue how to care for them? Is it partly because we grandparents will step in and take on the responsibility? There is a comfort for them in this, knowing their kids are with family. A sense of entitlement. It is a rock and a hard place for us. These are our flesh and blood. We love them. But, how do we get our adult kids to see that we have raised our kids and have our own lives to live? When I joined this forum, I was at my wits end and had decided that if my daughter tried to come back, I would steer her towards a DV shelter, and I did several times. It was hard. But I did. It was because the years of “helping” taught the parents nothing, and the kids suffered. We all suffered through the chaos and addiction. I am glad you have considered your own situation and have realized that guardianship is not an option. I know it must weigh heavily on you, Daisy. These are your daughters kids, her responsibility. She will have to find her way. That is a good thing. For her and her kids. Your firmness and resolve may help her take on her responsibility to care for her children. If she does not, there are other options. There is no worse model for our grandkids than their parents taking advantage of us. It breeds a cycle of disrespect and unfair expectation. It is abusive in so many ways and a horrible example of what family is. You are doing the right thing, for you, for your daughter and your grandchildren. Take care and stay strong. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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