BITS, I understand the feelings you are talking about. My difficult child is also my only child and for awhile I felt all of the hopelessness, lethargy, sorrow and, lack of any kind of initiative or inspiration.........AND, there are certainly things you can do to make a difference with all of that..............however, the one thing that I believe is very important to address is that you are in a grieving process now............grief is something that has it's own trajectory, it's own time and it's own purpose. We live in a culture which doesn't give folks time to grieve, someone dies and a week or two later people are saying, "hey, get over yourself and get out there."
This is a devastating blow to a parent, to have to detach from the person we love the very most and almost just as difficult, to let go of the person we so hoped and in fact planned on, him being............in other words, OUR dreams for our children.
We also have to let go of control.
I was in despair for awhile and I believe the only thing you can do about it is to feel it, allow it and when you are ready, to move on. Feeling it will move it more quickly through your own system, many of us push it down and try NOT to feel it, but it will erupt in other ways..........anger for instance, or low grade depression. So, cry. I cried truckloads of tears for the loss of my daughter, for the loss of my dreams for my daughter, for the relationship we don't have, for the relationships she doesn't have with anyone, for the life she lives................for all of it. It's okay to feel all of that and for as long as you need to. In fact, in order to find peace, I believe you must feel it.
Detachment is a process, it takes time and effort and a commitment on our part to stay the course. It is extremely sad and brings up all sorts of feelings that are difficult to articulate. There are few who understand so we are pretty much alone with all our feelings. It's all okay BITS, it is the nature of this process............I always say it was the hardest thing I have ever done............ever. But, here I am......I walked through that fire, like a lot of us here on the PE forum................it just takes time. Where you are is part of the detachment process.......it is very much like grieving a death. Generally, we follow the "5 stages of grief"...........denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. (
http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/) Not in a linear fashion, any of those feelings can surface at any time in any order. Give yourself time..............
While I was in the midst of the worst time, I enrolled myself in an 18 month long codependency program in a huge HMO here in Northern California, lead by therapists. I had weekly therapy and a weekly support group with other parents who were also devastated and grieving. It was a life saver, probably the single most important thing I did for myself. I attended CoDa groups as much as I could and continued to tell my story and get feedback and support. I went to acupuncture once a week which significantly reduced my stress and worry. I upped my exercise. If you can get out there for at least 11 minutes, just walking, you will change your brain chemistry and feel a tad better. I took a very good quality Omega-3 supplement which has been studied extensively to assist with depression and is excellent for the whole body. I avoided sugar, alcohol and anything which promotes inflammation in the body, and concentrated on eating a very good, healthy diet. I made sure that everyday I did something kind and comforting for ME. I made every attempt to put the focus on myself and take it off of my daughter. I read books that others recommended. I meditate............which if you can do for just 10 minutes a day will change much in your life and bring more of a sense of peace. I made peace of mind my goal...........and acceptance.
I have read that the average length of grief, generally speaking, is 2 years. My own process of detaching from my daughter, the intense part, was about that. Not to say I was in the pits all the time, I had fun and played and laughed and lived............but that looming sorrow was always there, lurking in the background of my life.......ready to come forth at any time...............and then, after going through all of that and thinking it would really never end, it would just be my life from now on.................it all lifted one day................
I think now that we just have to go through it. My therapist used to say, "you'll get through it when you get through it." It takes the self blame or self cruelty away, the part of us that says, "I should be able to be over this now, what is wrong with me?" There is nothing wrong, this is one helluva devastating process which unless you are going through it yourself, folks just don't know what it's like. There are few supports for us...............so we can torture ourselves on two fronts......................one, I'm detaching from my kid and two, what's wrong with me that I can't get over that? Geez. Since most of us are enablers and NOT kind to ourselves anyway, we can now use this against ourselves too. Don't do that. Rest calmly in the truth that this is probably going to be the hardest thing you ever do............cry, make room for all of your feelings, hang out with people who will look at you with empathy and compassion and hold your hand without judging you.............do very kind things for yourself, have your nails done, get massages, go for long walks, appreciate the beauty in your life...............start a gratitude journal............go on Youtube and search for guided meditations for solace and peace and listen to them everyday.............get foot rubs.............pray..........put one foot in front of the other on those bad days and know that
this too will pass............and then one day, you will wake up and feel pretty good, in spite of all of the circumstances.............you will have found acceptance of what is...............which changes everything.
We're here for you, you're not alone.............hang in there, you'll get through this. We'll help you.
