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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 739046" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>HH, this is where I am at with my daughter in jail. It is still <em>difficult</em> to ignore her calls. The two times I have spoken with her, proved to be a huge waste of my time, more ranting and denial from her, oh and a “laundry” list for me to fulfill. </p><p></p><p>My dear hubs suffered through illness while our two went deeper into their addiction and chaos. His serious health issues did not deter them. </p><p>I think our men have it doubly hard, because they were taught to be tough. I am sure having to hold the grief in effects their physical health.</p><p>Likewise, it is difficult not being able to talk about our feelings concerning our adult children with our mates. It was the same for me, HH. Hubs did not want to discuss it. I was so relieved to find this site, to be able to get feedback was and is a Godsend.</p><p></p><p> Thank you for sharing this. My daughter in jail for the first time, has readied several hoops for me. I think she has forgotten that I have a job, responsibility, caring for her younger brother, etc. I am supposed to drop everything and “bail her out...supervise her release.....put money in her account.....call her public defender......send her enough pictures of her kids to make a collage....and on and on.</p><p></p><p>You are strong HH. My hat goes off to you. There are times when I am flat out miserable and sad over the years of struggle. It is grief. Grief does not end, it fades and waxes and wanes. We love our adult kids, and want the best for them. Grief cycles through denial, bargaining, anger, and so many other emotions. I think that just when I feel that I am coming through the tunnel of it....boom, a phone call, a report or sighting of my daughters, will test my limits, my faith, my strength, my resolve. The beauty of this site, is that we have all been through these dark and hard times and hold a candle up for each other to light the way to the other side.</p><p></p><p> This is the other side. What is best for YOU. Putting our feelings, health and hearts as priority. Our wayward adult kids <em>will not do this as long as they are continuing on the path they are on. They think nothing of the stress and pain we are suffering. </em>Addiction is incredibly self serving. It would have us think that taking care of ourselves and our needs is <em>selfish</em>. It is not. We want our wayward adults to learn how to properly care for themselves, be conscientious and think about their own health and well being. We need to walk the walk. Even if it means going no contact to stave off the stress of their demands of the moment, or hearing their depression over the consequences of their ill choices.</p><p> I am sure you gave your son a wonderful upbringing. Our kids grow up and make choices. That old saying </p><p>“The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” sure doesn’t apply. My daughter will role the tapes of her upbringing and put a magnifying glass on issues and parenting mistakes, went as far as to shout “You made me this way! I am like this because of you!”</p><p>That stung, the words echoing around my head like a “Twilight Zone” vignette. </p><p>It took awhile for me to forgive myself for my mistakes and to understand that there is no such thing as perfect parenting. We did the best we could with what we had at the time. </p><p>I am hearing those words again from Tornado, ranting over the phone. I don’t even reply back, it would fall on deaf ears. </p><p>So, like you, I am mustering up every ounce of strength not to pick up when she calls. </p><p>Hang in there HH, stand your ground, and I will stand mine. We are so not alone.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 739046, member: 19522"] HH, this is where I am at with my daughter in jail. It is still [I]difficult[/I] to ignore her calls. The two times I have spoken with her, proved to be a huge waste of my time, more ranting and denial from her, oh and a “laundry” list for me to fulfill. My dear hubs suffered through illness while our two went deeper into their addiction and chaos. His serious health issues did not deter them. I think our men have it doubly hard, because they were taught to be tough. I am sure having to hold the grief in effects their physical health. Likewise, it is difficult not being able to talk about our feelings concerning our adult children with our mates. It was the same for me, HH. Hubs did not want to discuss it. I was so relieved to find this site, to be able to get feedback was and is a Godsend. Thank you for sharing this. My daughter in jail for the first time, has readied several hoops for me. I think she has forgotten that I have a job, responsibility, caring for her younger brother, etc. I am supposed to drop everything and “bail her out...supervise her release.....put money in her account.....call her public defender......send her enough pictures of her kids to make a collage....and on and on. You are strong HH. My hat goes off to you. There are times when I am flat out miserable and sad over the years of struggle. It is grief. Grief does not end, it fades and waxes and wanes. We love our adult kids, and want the best for them. Grief cycles through denial, bargaining, anger, and so many other emotions. I think that just when I feel that I am coming through the tunnel of it....boom, a phone call, a report or sighting of my daughters, will test my limits, my faith, my strength, my resolve. The beauty of this site, is that we have all been through these dark and hard times and hold a candle up for each other to light the way to the other side. This is the other side. What is best for YOU. Putting our feelings, health and hearts as priority. Our wayward adult kids [I]will not do this as long as they are continuing on the path they are on. They think nothing of the stress and pain we are suffering. [/I]Addiction is incredibly self serving. It would have us think that taking care of ourselves and our needs is [I]selfish[/I]. It is not. We want our wayward adults to learn how to properly care for themselves, be conscientious and think about their own health and well being. We need to walk the walk. Even if it means going no contact to stave off the stress of their demands of the moment, or hearing their depression over the consequences of their ill choices. I am sure you gave your son a wonderful upbringing. Our kids grow up and make choices. That old saying “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” sure doesn’t apply. My daughter will role the tapes of her upbringing and put a magnifying glass on issues and parenting mistakes, went as far as to shout “You made me this way! I am like this because of you!” That stung, the words echoing around my head like a “Twilight Zone” vignette. It took awhile for me to forgive myself for my mistakes and to understand that there is no such thing as perfect parenting. We did the best we could with what we had at the time. I am hearing those words again from Tornado, ranting over the phone. I don’t even reply back, it would fall on deaf ears. So, like you, I am mustering up every ounce of strength not to pick up when she calls. Hang in there HH, stand your ground, and I will stand mine. We are so not alone. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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