Christmas Ice

[cocomad]

My son A is 37, married in Jan 2021 and is expecting his first child in Mar 2022. In September, my husband and I offered to help he & his wife with the remodel of their bathroom and change doorways, configuring the water heater & moving washer & dryer to the garage of the ranch style house.( to get the home ready for the baby)
My husband goes over there and they work together for about 7 days then the explosion happens. Our son begins yelling about all his issues with his father as I was not there I am not sure of all the nasty accusations. His wife was there that day and being pregnant was very upset. My son is furious and has not spoken or texted since. About a week after the incident, I wrote both my son & wife an apology text saying how sorry I was, I was the one who offered to get hubby over there. I know they could do it but my son is in school with 16 units till he graduates with BS & wife works as a nurse. Not sure if this was meddling in their business or being a helpful parent. Hopefully the storm will pass
No Thanksgiving visit but a text with a sonagram picture. I wrote a text "Hey, have not heard from you in a while. Is everything ok?" He called me and began raging saying his dad is not to come to his house and wants no contact with him. He said he was through feeling anxious around him, listening to him use the "father" card (always being right) and condescending. He raged on for an hour saying he was abused by him, kicked like a dog up the stairs, hurtful things.

September, prior to the "remodel" all this we got a call from our younger son B is an addict living on the streets. He came to our house 8 years ago and said he had a problem. Tried to get off drugs & back on the right path. Relapse, jail, doing ok working, Then once off probation doing drugs. He was asked to leave our house when he relapsed and have not heard from him in 1.5 years. We found where he was and tried to get his trust to get him some help....really sad the way this disease takes over.

Son A says some really horrid accusations to me. Son B is the way he is because of his dad treatment of him. All dad ever cared about was $ never about them.
I talked to my husband after the call. He says (A) needs to grow up, is upset because he has been wasting his time jumping around from one profession to another. He has no job, wife working, baby on the way, brother so ill. Running late & stressed out about responsibilities.

Son A ghosted us about 10 years ago after a fight we had ....he was 4th year collage not enough units to graduate...said we paid for 4 years you can finish the rest...he dropped out then made no contact for 4 years. He also said he doesn't have enough time to get help(therapy) with all the things he has to do especially after all his angst is from his dad
This situation is deeply troubling. I encouraged my husband to get some help....he says he doesn't need to change.
For me...I have been to Nar-Anon online since Sept , doing Coda online and got a counselor to help me live with this.
No Christmas gathering, guess I have to drop off the presents I got them. It's hard to be happy but I'm trying....
Cloud over the house again. Thanks for reading




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[cocomad]

Son A told me that his father was never allowed to his house again and will not be near his pregnant wife and wants no contact.
He's ok with his wife & I connection. What to do about my husband?

 

[Copabanana]

I think this is a very lousy thing to do (the quote below). What does this mean? That the relationship between Son A and his parents is conditional on receiving money? That is sure what it sounds like.

he was 4th year collage not enough units to graduate...said we paid for 4 years you can finish the rest...he dropped out then made no contact for 4 years.

He's ok with his wife & I connection. What to do about my husband?

I don't know what to tell you. I know of mothers that sneak off to see their kids, when either the father or the child has stopped the relationship. But I think that would put you in a demeaning position. Why should anybody sneak around? I guess I would say to ask yourself, if in your heart, you think that Son A's feelings about his father have merit. Was your husband a controlling, condescending or abusive father? Is it true what son A says, that his Dad "kicked him up the stairs?"

Why did Son A accept his father's help to do the remodeling, if this was the true nature of the relationship?

I guess I think that you and your husband need to be on the same page at least until you come to grips with how you feel. Why let an adult child separate a couple? Even if your husband has his limits, you are still married to him. If you do in fact think Son A's accusation are true, and you can understand what he says, then that is something to deal with directly with your husband. (If it is safe to do so.) If in fact he was so abusive and controlling, then you would need to confront it, first in your groups, and secondly in making decisions about your relationship. But I guess I believe that for now you and your husband need to be a united front with your son. And let Son A do what he wants.

I am sorry you are in this tough spot.

I am curious what others will have to say.

 

[cocomad]

Copa...thanks for your response. When Son A went away to college, we said we would pay . 3rd yr started dropping classes & lost trajectory and failing classes( not taking care of his business). He did not want to communicate about what was happening.... He came home for a visit, ......he says he dropped out...but....He just graduated this month!


United front
love and logic philosophy when raising these sons
Taking a big breath......listening to podcasts & doing therapy

This is our first grand child.......

 

[Copabanana]

This is our first grand child.......

So many parents have to deal with this pain around grandchildren. I think most do. My best friend complained yesterday that her son and his wife will travel to the US next month for 2 weeks, and are only giving the grandparents 3 days with their two grandchildren and they have to travel to another state thousands of miles away to see the kids. This was a family of doting parents of a single adored child, and grandchildren who are worshipped.

I hope your son is yelling off the top of his head and will cool down very soon and change his mind. After all, his own self-interest would be served to have loving grandparents there to help. I think he is more apt to change his mind, if you and your husband stay a united front. The things he accuses his father of--Son A seems very much like this. I am so sorry you're going through this.

I am heartbroken about my own son and I don't think I will ever have grandchildren, which I want with all my heart.

 

[ksm]

I would return the gifts, or donate to a charity. I would start a savings account for the grand baby and on holidays and birthdays, make a deposit. When the child is older, this could help with college or getting a hand with first car or apartment.

Step back. It hurts, but I don't see any other way, I don't know if your husband was a problem in your son's life or nor, just realize you will always be held captive and walking on eggshells to continue a relationship with them and your grandchild may be used to manipulate you to get what they want.

Ksm

 

[Nomad]

Totally agree about the United front.

A teeny tiny potential exception is if what your son is saying has some merit. And then I would gave a Frank discussion with your husband snd see if he would honestly work on his shortcomings. And consider some teeny tiny compromise, but with total honesty. But see sentence number one. Of utmost importance. And never forget it.

Make nice with your son as much as you are reasonably able to. You need to respect his boundaries especially if they are reasonable. (Doesn’t particularly seem that way right this very moment. It might change. Maybe greatly limit interaction with son and father and somewhat limit your interaction with them. But no lying or sneaking around).

He should respect your boundaries as well. And not threaten. Sadly, he has a bit of the upper hand now that the new baby is here. Be kind to the wife/mother.

Reread what the others have written. Great stuff. Hard to add to that.

Agree…step back a bit. (((Hugs))) You will figure it out, even though profoundly difficult. More hugs….

 

[BusynMember1]

I have heard my own daughter say those hateful things about both of us and have also heard from friends that their usually struggling adult kid is trying to gaslight them into believing that their crappy choices are the result of the parents "abusive" parenting. It's becoming commonplace for adult kids to divorce their parents and it sucks and is domestic abuse of child to parent.

Think the truth. Did your husband beat the kids? Did he starve them? Give no help to them toward being able to have better lives? Did he demean them day and night?

Or does your husband maybe just realize that his sons are not doing well and does not want to help them if they won't help themselves?

I almost gave up my husband for my abusive daughter. I am so grateful I did not. Guess who will be there for me for the rest of my life? Not my daughter. I will chime in that I agree that that I would.not see my.kids if they won't see my husband. Bulls***t to that. We are a team.

None of this was your fault. You did not need to apologize. Your son is being a jerk.

Please continue Nar anon. See a therapist. Do not allow your son to come between you and your husband. Son should not have that kind of power over you. As for the baby, if he uses him as blackmail now he will do it again. You can't win with that.

And do get the gifts back.

If God is in your life give the situation to God and go with life's flow.

I wish you peace and love.

 

[cocomad]

Thank you for all your thoughts. I had such a hard time writing this down. And NO we did not beat them night and day. We were love and logic parents. Its feels so crazy to be so excited to have a grand child coming and have my son's behavior get hostile. I had a discussion with my husband......let it all out ( we both have large dysfunctional families) . I can only work on myself and encouraged him too. No berating; just compassion and understanding for both he and my husband. . This is very painful for him. I am nervous but giving it up to God.
Its very difficult to discuss with anyone who has not been in the program. Staying calm, listening to podcasts and praying!
Thank you all for letting me share!

 

[BusynMember1]

The Nar Anon program is amazing. I love how they emphasize that we are powerless over our children and that we can only take care of ourselves. It is so freeing to realize that we have no control. In Nar Anon I was able to stop getting involved in my daughter's life and to give her to God AND to take care of myself first. Without this program I may still be thinking that I know there is something I can do to change my daughter's life. I would have no life of my own because I truly believed that others made me happy, that if my daughter didn't love me a lot and if she was not doing well in life that it was selfish of me to move on and enjoy my life. A.lot of people do feel this way and I am very sad for them. Our being in grief forever does not help our child and we have no quality if life ourselves.

I owe all my happiness to this program. I thought it was going to teach me how to help my daughter. Instead it helped me learn how to love and take care of myself....and mind my own business....we can not helicopter our kids. They won't let us.

It is very hard to explain to people not in program.

I love Nar Anon!!!

 

[Copabanana]

Its feels so crazy to be so excited to have a grand child coming and have my son's behavior get hostile.

I am not justifying his behavior but maybe Son A is stressed out with the baby coming. He sounds like he has some of the same tendencies he's accusing his dad of.

No berating; just compassion and understanding for both he and my husband

Isn't this the best of all lessons for all of us? Nobody is perfect. If we can just calm down, our loved ones have the chance to step up and be better versions of themselves and so do we. I am learning this. Slowly.

I feel pretty sure that Son A will calm down and get over this and we just give him a little time and space, and yes, compassion and understanding. Meanwhile I am suffering for your husband. What a blessing he has you!

 

[RN0441]

Welcome

You've gotten great advice so not much to add. I think that time heals everything and I think that your son will come around once the baby is born and he feels what it is like to be a parent.

I also think that as mothers we cannot fix our husband's relationship with our children. They have to work it out on their own. We are not masters of the universe and cannot fix everything as we sometimes think we can.

I used to think my son's issues were because my husband wasn't a warm, cozy father. But my husband is a good man and loves his sons. He is not perfect but he is always there and has their back.

Prayers for a peaceful holiday for your family.