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Clearing the air
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<blockquote data-quote="MissLulu" data-source="post: 758814" data-attributes="member: 24721"><p>Newstart, I don't know if this will help, but I wanted to let you know what has worked (sort of) for me. I have let go of any expectations of my son. When I see him I try to just accept him for who he is. This is hard for me, because who he is, who he REALLY is, is someone I don't like very much, if I'm honest. He has good qualities for sure - he can be kind and loving and thoughtful, but much of the time he is self-involved and (much like Copa's son) has no interest in how his actions impact on others.</p><p></p><p>The last time I saw him he was ranting and raving about his housemate and threatening to "kick him out". I tried to have a reasonable conversation with him about this, but it began to escalate and he started to raise his voice. Instead of pushing the point, I just let it go. Because in the end, how he lives his life is up to him. So long as the rent is paid and the house is in good order (which it appears to be) how he conducts himself in it is not my business.</p><p></p><p>Do I wish that he was different? That he was a calm individual who I could have a sensible discussion with when problems arise? Yes, I do. Do I wish that he was less impulsive and better able to manage the relationships in his life? Again, yes. Like any mother who loves her child I want these things for him because I believe they are best for him. But I have let go of believing that I have any control over these things. All I can control is me.</p><p></p><p>When he started carrying on about his housemate, I withdrew from the conversation. He was on my front doorstep, as he'd come to borrow his brother's car while his was being serviced. When he started carrying on, I just said, "I'll let you get going then," and I walked away. I refused to participate in the conversation, but without making a big deal of it.</p><p></p><p>I accept that my son will probably never be the sort of person I imagined he'd be when he was that tiny baby I loved so much. He is my son and I will always love him, and that has to be enough - for both of us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="MissLulu, post: 758814, member: 24721"] Newstart, I don't know if this will help, but I wanted to let you know what has worked (sort of) for me. I have let go of any expectations of my son. When I see him I try to just accept him for who he is. This is hard for me, because who he is, who he REALLY is, is someone I don't like very much, if I'm honest. He has good qualities for sure - he can be kind and loving and thoughtful, but much of the time he is self-involved and (much like Copa's son) has no interest in how his actions impact on others. The last time I saw him he was ranting and raving about his housemate and threatening to "kick him out". I tried to have a reasonable conversation with him about this, but it began to escalate and he started to raise his voice. Instead of pushing the point, I just let it go. Because in the end, how he lives his life is up to him. So long as the rent is paid and the house is in good order (which it appears to be) how he conducts himself in it is not my business. Do I wish that he was different? That he was a calm individual who I could have a sensible discussion with when problems arise? Yes, I do. Do I wish that he was less impulsive and better able to manage the relationships in his life? Again, yes. Like any mother who loves her child I want these things for him because I believe they are best for him. But I have let go of believing that I have any control over these things. All I can control is me. When he started carrying on about his housemate, I withdrew from the conversation. He was on my front doorstep, as he'd come to borrow his brother's car while his was being serviced. When he started carrying on, I just said, "I'll let you get going then," and I walked away. I refused to participate in the conversation, but without making a big deal of it. I accept that my son will probably never be the sort of person I imagined he'd be when he was that tiny baby I loved so much. He is my son and I will always love him, and that has to be enough - for both of us. [/QUOTE]
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