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Parent Emeritus
Clearing the air
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<blockquote data-quote="MissLulu" data-source="post: 758816" data-attributes="member: 24721"><p>Newstart, the behaviour you describe is very similar to my son’s and I believe there are others here whose children are also similar. I’m getting the feeling that perhaps you think others don’t understand how awful the behaviour is, but I can assure you that’s not true.</p><p></p><p>I have also read extensively on BiPolar (2) Borderline (BPD) and NPD and had many discussions with doctors and psychologists about these disorders. Studying disorders may be useful to us in terms of understanding how to avoid triggering certain behaviours, or simply knowing that we ourselves are not the cause of the problem. However,</p><p>in my opinion, having this knowledge doesn’t change anything other than giving us some tools or knowledge. What I mean is, no matter what we know or how we act, we have no control over how our adult children behave.</p><p></p><p>I could be wrong, but from your posts it seems to me that you are still focused on changing your daughter. When I talk about acceptance of my son, I mean that I accept that he is who he is and that I can’t change that.</p><p></p><p>I never accept bad behaviour from him anymore - I have boundaries in place so that doesn’t happen.</p><p></p><p>I have stopped expecting anything different from him. Of course I hope for better, but I don’t expect it and I don’t think anything I do will change it. When I withdraw from a situation with my son it is not to punish or change his behaviour, it is to protect myself. I simply don’t engage with him when he is in a “manic” or verbally aggressive state.</p><p></p><p>So what I’m saying is, if it were me, I would accept that things are not likely to change any time soon and act accordingly.</p><p></p><p>If you want to see her tomorrow, then I would set a boundary - “You can come so long as the conversation remains civilised. If an argument starts, I will ask you to leave.” If you don’t want her to come over, if it’s too much for you, then tell her it’s not convenient.</p><p></p><p>This is what I mean by acceptance.</p><p></p><p>I have stopped hoping for a miraculous change in my son and set boundaries to protect myself. I am never “not speaking” to my son. He is always welcome to contact me as long as he’s respectful.</p><p>As soon as he stops being respectful I end the call/visit or whatever.</p><p></p><p>You don’t have to play by her rules.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="MissLulu, post: 758816, member: 24721"] Newstart, the behaviour you describe is very similar to my son’s and I believe there are others here whose children are also similar. I’m getting the feeling that perhaps you think others don’t understand how awful the behaviour is, but I can assure you that’s not true. I have also read extensively on BiPolar (2) Borderline (BPD) and NPD and had many discussions with doctors and psychologists about these disorders. Studying disorders may be useful to us in terms of understanding how to avoid triggering certain behaviours, or simply knowing that we ourselves are not the cause of the problem. However, in my opinion, having this knowledge doesn’t change anything other than giving us some tools or knowledge. What I mean is, no matter what we know or how we act, we have no control over how our adult children behave. I could be wrong, but from your posts it seems to me that you are still focused on changing your daughter. When I talk about acceptance of my son, I mean that I accept that he is who he is and that I can’t change that. I never accept bad behaviour from him anymore - I have boundaries in place so that doesn’t happen. I have stopped expecting anything different from him. Of course I hope for better, but I don’t expect it and I don’t think anything I do will change it. When I withdraw from a situation with my son it is not to punish or change his behaviour, it is to protect myself. I simply don’t engage with him when he is in a “manic” or verbally aggressive state. So what I’m saying is, if it were me, I would accept that things are not likely to change any time soon and act accordingly. If you want to see her tomorrow, then I would set a boundary - “You can come so long as the conversation remains civilised. If an argument starts, I will ask you to leave.” If you don’t want her to come over, if it’s too much for you, then tell her it’s not convenient. This is what I mean by acceptance. I have stopped hoping for a miraculous change in my son and set boundaries to protect myself. I am never “not speaking” to my son. He is always welcome to contact me as long as he’s respectful. As soon as he stops being respectful I end the call/visit or whatever. You don’t have to play by her rules. [/QUOTE]
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