Codependency video

[rebelson]

I was googling 'enmeshment' and this video site popped up. The title: "Codependency"...grabbed me!

https://tv.newlife.com/#/videos/codependency-213?_k=19131k

I did not know, initially, that it is (mildly) faith-based, but I took away some really good tips and confirmation that what I need to do for my son now, to completely STOP enabling him in every way, is key. Key for me and most importantly, key for HIM. His future. Below are some actual quotes from the video. It is worth the 22 minutes.

It is all good, minute 16 and on, is key advice for those who are giving monetary help to active addicts.

"Look for the painful thing that you need to do, look for it! what is it? what are you doing that's not
painful, and if you quit doing it, it would be painful - maybe that's where you need to start."

This ^^^ is a great 'visual' for me. Look for my weaknesses re: enabling son and know then, that I need to NOT do said thing/s.

"Reality consequences are what grow people up....stop interrupting the process."

"Yeah, you can control and do all this..and be angry, but over here on the other side, when you give that up (enabling), there's a totally different world that may be waiting for you and the person with the problem."

"A very powerful question that codependents need to ask themselves is: where am I going to draw the line?"

"If you'll draw the line and then you'll stick with it, all of a sudden, you'll have feelings, you'll feel alone or guilty or bad, but deal with those feelings in healthy ways."

"If you can handle the feeling of guilt and the feeling of grief, you are halfway there. The guilt is 'gosh, they'll be suffering, they'll lose a job, but they are grown up, they've got to do this to grow up. And the feeling of grief...'I can't fix them, I can't control them, all my love won't change them and make them stop drinking.' Those 2 feelings (guilt and grief) will get you halfway there."

"Many people don't see themselves as codependents, they see themselves as helpful."

This book was mentioned in the video, has anyone read it? It's a Best Seller on amazon.

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

 

[BusynMember]

You ought to read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty. im sure I spelled the name wrong, but its s legendary book that helped many of us start on our way to detachment. it was a shock for me to understand that being a doormat to everyone else's needs actually hurts them as well as me. I thought that not helping made me a bad person.

There is a twelve step group called Codependent Anonymous. If you don't have CODA in your neighborhood, it is online. This group changed my life. It's great for all and, although it refers to your higher power, the higher power can be God or the ocean or nature...we had Christians and we had atheists. It was a very awesome, supportive, loving group. Do try it out.

 

[BusynMember]

I read Boundaries. I found it helpful.

 

[Albatross]

These are great quotes, Rebel. I especially like this:

"Reality consequences are what grow people up....stop interrupting the process."

and this one I especially needed to hear.

"Yeah, you can control and do all this..and be angry, but over here on the other side, when you give that up (enabling), there's a totally different world that may be waiting for you and the person with the problem."

I am so angry about all of this, really ANGRY, at him, at hubs, at alcohol, at the world that won't bend itself to be what he needs, most of all at myself. Odds are not looking good that all of those things are going to change because, darn it, I'm MAD...but I just keep on trying, and being mad, and missing what may be waiting out there.

"If you can handle the feeling of guilt and the feeling of grief, you are halfway there. The guilt is 'gosh, they'll be suffering, they'll lose a job, but they are grown up, they've got to do this to grow up. And the feeling of grief...'I can't fix them, I can't control them, all my love won't change them and make them stop drinking.' Those 2 feelings (guilt and grief) will get you halfway there."

And this. I have never heard it said like that, but in this situation guilt and grief perhaps aren't so much signaling there is something wrong but signaling that we are at last taking necessary steps to deal with what is wrong.

 

[rebelson]

You ought to read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty.

I have it and am on Ch. 2.

I am so angry about all of this, really ANGRY, at him, at hubs, at alcohol, at the world that won't bend itself to be what he needs, most of all at myself. Odds are not looking good that all of those things are going to change because, darn it, I'm MAD...but I just keep on trying, and being mad, and missing what may be waiting out there.

I hope you're taking time for yourself. Doing something for yourself everyday. You do sound angry. My strongest feeling is 'sad'. This is not helpful to me in regards to detaching. I think anger is a better place to be, when one needs to detach.

It is crazy that I am even writing that 'anger is a better place to be'. This is our life, isn't it? Wow. It just seems so wrong, when you sit back and think about what our lives are - as loving parents of addicts. I almost envy son's father - who is living in another country, drinking and dating girls younger than our son. I cannot speak for him internally but outwardly, he seems to have no concerns for his son - whom still puts him up on a pedestal. Even after he was almost completely absent from son's life from 18mos. (when I left him for good) to pretty much now. Not counting the few month stints where he'd be a father, or the year son lived with him during HS.

Is your husband dealing with this in a healthy way?

And this. I have never heard it said like that, but in this situation guilt and grief perhaps aren't so much signaling there is something wrong but signaling that we are at last taking necessary steps to deal with what is wrong.

I think they were saying that we will experience guilt - from the fact that, for their own good, we know we need to detach, stop helping and let them fail. Whether that means them losing a job (for example- if we don't 'give them $ to get their car fixed, they could lose their job- if not willing to walk'), getting kicked out of their place of residence (for example- they spent their paycheck on alcohol or weed, & we don't give them $ to pay share of rent -they may get evicted), having their DL suspended due to not paying their tickets (we don't give them the $ for or pay their tickets- they will not learn as they had it taken care of for them). As loving parents, we want to help them with these things, but it is detrimental to them. So, in stepping back, we will feel 'guilt'. But, it is for their good.

Regarding the grief: This is the deep sadness we feel, as loving parents, when we have to finally face our guilt and what is the reality for our difficult children. Which is far from what could be. We know what a good life they could have, but they are somehow trashing any chance of that good life coming to fruition. Facing this is tough, for us.

Our grief stems from the final realization that 'no, we cannot change them, control them or make them stop using'.

So, the video says if we have these 2, we are halfway there.

Au revoir, all.