College, the boyfriend, and fallout from UB

[KTMom91]

Miss KT started summer school, is enjoying it, and seems to be doing well. She also has a new boyfriend, he's 20, and strangely enough, I know his mom! I've subbed for her before. He's a nice kid. She has decided she's had enough of her father and his storytelling, and refuses to invite him to her BD party. With the exception of her stinky attitude towards Hubby, it's been a pleasant summer so far.

Now, this is what I'm wondering about. She had to write a paper on her style of communication for one of her classes, and include autobiographical info. In this paper, she wrote about how her father had abandoned her when she was 5, never wanted to see her, and even when she went to visit, he was either sick or sleeping. She has never admitted anything like this before...EVER. Is she facing the reality that her father is a horribly selfish person, who can't seem to get the focus off of himself, even for his only child? Will this help her heal? Or is this a step towards being a professional victim, since she had such an unhappy childhood? She also feels that no one listens to her, and everyone just blows her off like she's nothing. I know that stems from UB not returning calls and making no effort to spend time with her.

Any ideas or suggestions on how I can (or if I can) help her accept that UB is selfish, and it's not anything she's done? I really want her to get past that and be a happy and successful member of society. Is she simply growing up and trying to find herself? I just don't know, and of course, anything I say is the wrong thing. It's so different now that she's almost grown.

 

[dadside]

I'd take the writing as a good thing. She is "letting it out" instead of keeping feelings (and hurt) bottled up inside. And it may lead to her discussion of the subject with others. Perhaps a key to estimating where it all leads is what responses she gets from others. That, and her reaction to the responses, will help see beyond one unfortunate influence. I doubt becoming a professional victim is likely (though I'd guess that for most people, regardless), but if it is, a counselor would help her work through her feelings. In fact, a counselor to work through the now-emerging thoughts would be helpful in any case.

 

[BusynMember]

I think it's great she's talking about it. She's in college and productive--she's not a professional victim. She's a kid who needs to get it out of her system in order to move on.
I think you have a fine, insightful young lady who is doing well!

 

[Suz]

She's in college and productive

I think MWM makes a good point here...emphasis on "productive."

Add in your comments that she is doing well, enjoying it and has a nice new boyfriend as more positive proof.

Hopefully this upward swing will continue and she can talk about and accept the past.

Suz

 

[everywoman]

Good for her. Writing is great for releasing the things you can't say. I think that now that she has put it to paper, she will eventually be able to talk about her feelings. I'm glad KT is headed in the right directions.

 

[DammitJanet]

I think this is a good step. She is actually writing this down for someone other than you to read. That is really hard to do. I think she is doing well.

 

[Hound dog]

Mary, from someone who has been there, she just took an enormous step.

My Dad can be a great guy......if you're his friend. If you're his wife (speaking for all 4 of them) or his kids, eh you're not so lucky.

I think I was near KT's age when I came to terms with the man. I realized it was Dad as a person. It had nothing to do with anyone else. It was very liberating. And I discovered it easier to have a relationship with this new knowledge, because I never again got my expectations up. He simply couldn't meet them. It's not a close relationship, in any sense, but the pain and anger vanished when I could finally see my Dad as a person and not as a parent.

When my kids ask about their grandpa......well, I explain it to them. They love their grandpa, and he's not so bad as a grandpa I guess. Better than being a dad....still not very active in their lives. But they get it too and don't hold it against him. We talk to him on the phone about 1 or 2 times a year. That seems about enough for him and us.

I think KT is on her way to discovering herself. When the opportunity arises you can re-enforce that it's her dad as a person, it's not personal. Just because someone can have a child, doesn't make them parent material.

Hugs

 

[mstang67chic]

Speaking as someone who was in a similar situation as Kt....I wouldn't bring it up directly. If she brings it up, fine. Otherwise....maybe casual comments here or there about similar situations on tv or with people you know. When I got to that point it was kind of a split. I realized the limits my dad had but I still defended him in a way if my mom said anything outright. It wasn't that mom and I had a bad relationship, we didn't...it was....well, I don't know that I can really explain it actually. I guess the closest I can come is when siblings call each other names but the second someone ELSE calls one of them a name, all heck breaks loose. Know what I mean?? But, that could be just me too. Everyone is different. You know her and know her moods. If you think she would be open to it, start a conversation. If not....wait for an opening.

 

[ML]

I agree this was a huge step for he and may lay the groundwork for future dialogue. So far Ms. Kt is on a good course. Way To Go!