College tuition payment for our Difficult Child

[BusynMember]

She does not have borderline? She sounds more that than bipolar. Bipolar are only sometimes mean in certain manic states. With personality disorders they are rarely nice, lack empathy, and deliberately aim to hurt.

medications can blunt edges for the borderline, but doesn't make them nicer. Only a will to get better and special intensive therapy helps borderline.

Bipolar does not make a person mean. Norderlines do not think of how anyone feels but them. They don't understand the empathy they lack. So they keep hurting others and blame others for their problems. It isn't their faults, it's your fault.

As one with a mood disorder I am also a highly sensitive person, tuned into the moods of others and until my therapy kicked in, I blamed myself, not others, for everything bad in the world. Mood disordered people are more apt to over feel. We hurt if others hurt. We read these stories, which are not ours, and cry anyways. We can feel another's pain.

Borderlines can not.

Your daughter needs treatment for her real core problem. Or she eont get better and I fear she will still hurt you. Be careful.

 

[pacific ocean]

She does not have borderline? She sounds more that than bipolar. Bipolar are only sometimes mean in certain manic states. With personality disorders they are rarely nice, lack empathy, and deliberately aim to hurt.
[/QUOTE

Thank you for your warming and feed us on information.
We do believe that is what our Difficult Child has, borderline, for a long time.
With our surprise, people she has been seeing including therapists at the University don't think so.
We have been trying to make her have the core treatment but have failed.

The Difficult Child wrote in the email:

"I am diagnosed with major depressive disorder by my provider, which is a general mood disorder (not a personality disorder). I was diagnosed sometime midway through the semester... In the first half of the semester, a depression screening would show my doctor and I that I would have "moderate depression." I took the same screening today (because it is available online) - I was given a result of "minimal depression - you have none or very few symptoms of depression."

Online screening test? It sounds like a joke after having 5 suicidal episodes within 1/2 a year.
This is a new doctor so he could only diagnose her with symptoms she explained to him. Waste of time and money.


She wrote this in her last email and we told her we would not change our decision. She hasn't sent anything since.
We have to come up with a strategy to deal with what she will bring up next.

"So I ask that please, please, if you believe in our ability to reconnect or even want to reconnect in the future and have a loving relationship, please reconsider your withdrawal of my tuition, and by extension, my education. I understand your sentiment that you do not want to throw money at a stranger, but I hope that we can work toward not being strangers to each other. If you do advocate for legal emancipation, we may literally never see each other again and never share a familial bond. As long as you are my parents and I am your child, I want to have hope that we can love each other in a way that each of us want to be loved.

.... I want to share my happiness with you. I am happy today because I can live openly as a trans man, have friends who will love me unconditionally, and a family who I know is waiting for me."


I know it's worthless worrying and taking all her words seriously but been suffering with stomach pains and headaches...
We really wish some professional tells her what she has and what she really needs for her well being.

 

[pacific ocean]

She does not have borderline? She sounds more that than bipolar. Bipolar are only sometimes mean in certain manic states. With personality disorders they are rarely nice, lack empathy, and deliberately aim to hurt.

I quoted but I didn't do it right in the reply above. Sorry.

 

[BusynMember]

Pacific Ocean, only she can decide what she needs to be happy, if she is capable of finding contentment without your handing her a boatload of money.

You don't know what her doctor really said to her. And that does not rule out borderline. Borderlines are good at acting okay when they want to be. Any doctor is only as accurate as the information about herself that the patient shares. It is truly not the norm for young adults to demand parental sustanience over and over again

I am fortunate (and know it) that my difficult.son has a high paying job, a house, a car and the things he needs. But most of the time difficult kids are difficult partly due to refusal to give us any respect unless we do their bidding and because they are unmotivated to become independent, working adults. Most adult kids WANT to sustain themselves. This is important.
If one has no typically behaving adult child, one may not know how hard most young adults work to become mature. But they do. Even my autistic son is kind, law snidong, in his own.place and financially independent.

My 20 year old took out loans and got grants for her two year college. She works too. She will go to the Police Academy next year. Her back story is that of an adopted child with a good temperament who struggled with serious learning disabilities. At age 8, in spite of extra help she still could not read. But she fought. Look where she is now

I know you want to believe your daughter. Look at her history to decide if she means it and can sustain her respect of you even if you tell her no. You. Have your answer there.

I wish you all the best
As much as you want to believe, guard your loving heart. Hugs and love and light!

 

[svengandhi]

I just pulled my Difficult Child out of college because he wasn't doing the work and failed everything. He is 22.

One thing nobody has mentioned is a US law called HIPAA and another called FERPA. In essence, these laws say that medical providers and colleges are legally not allowed to discuss anything about a person who is 18 or over unless that person has given written permission. That could be why the school is not responding to your concerns about your child. I made all of my kids and my H sign for me to have access to their school/health insurance records. I pay the bills so I am entitled to the records and information.

that ship may have sailed with your child or you could try to use it as a leveraging point to say that you will consider continuing to pay as long as you have access. You are on the hook for past bills but I can't imagine that you still have to pay future bills if you inform the college.

As for the transgender, if someone is truly undergoing that transition, it is supposed to be a difficult thing emotionally. It can also account for depression, etc. beforehand as the person wrestles with the situation.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Thank you, Somewhere Out There, for reading my post.

We don't have a lawyer or don't know anyone at this moment but if we have to, we will search the one that would be best for our situation. I am afraid it may cost more than the actual tuition. But we will not tolerate this time. First we will write to the Uni to explain our situation.

Many lawyers offer a free consultation.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

https://studentaid.ed.gov/sa/fafsa/filling-out/dependency#dependent-or-independent

I found this. There are two types of students, dependent and independent. If by answering yes to one or more of the questions, you are an independent and parents financial information is not required. Hope this helps.

Also, if parents refuse to provide financial info on application, student then gets unsubsidized loan. I would think you are only responsible for current expenses vs. future.

 

[pacific ocean]

SomewhereOutThere,

Thank you for your another encouraging comment. She is still young even though she said she's an independent adult. She could be anything as an alien resident so it must be comfortable living there in the US. We wonder how smooth it will go living in a foreign country when the living money gets involved. Well, that's not something to worry about, I know. We just keep our love for her and pray for her happiness.

 

[pacific ocean]

svengandhi,

One thing nobody has mentioned is a US law called HIPAA and another called FERPA. In essence, these laws say that medical providers and colleges are legally not allowed to discuss anything about a person who is 18 or over unless that person has given written permission. That could be why the school is not responding to your concerns about your child. I made all of my kids and my H sign for me to have access to their school/health insurance records. I pay the bills so I am entitled to the records and information.

Thank you for your comment. We will look into the laws you mentioned. We have so many things to learn and search yet and are learning we will have to take a step carefully.

As for the transgender, if someone is truly undergoing that transition, it is supposed to be a difficult thing emotionally. It can also account for depression, etc. beforehand as the person wrestles with the situation.

We think we know how difficult to deal with gender issues emotionally, however, for now, we will just focus on her/his recovery, hoping and praying that she will be directed to the appropriate treatment/support with her own will.

 

[pacific ocean]

https://studentaid.ed.gov/sa/fafsa/filling-out/dependency#dependent-or-independent

I found this. There are two types of students, dependent and independent. If by answering yes to one or more of the questions, you are an independent and parents financial information is not required. Hope this helps.

Also, if parents refuse to provide financial info on application, student then gets unsubsidized loan. I would think you are only responsible for current expenses vs. future.

Thank you for the information. I will forward the link to my husband. Also, if we have to search for the lawyer, it's good to know they do free consultation.