Conflicted....

[Tentimesaround]

Thoughts running around in my head today causing so much self doubt and draining my strength…did I make the right decisions with my Difficult Child, am I doing the right things now etc etc. Most days I am fairly strong and confident in the decisions I am making and secure in the ones I have made in the past. Yesterday, I was introduced to a woman who’s Difficult Child was on the same path as mine. Her daughter recently completed treatment and is doing very well. As the mother and I talked it became clearer and clearer that our stories were very strongly related. The more were spoke the more we realized how intertwined our children’s lives were. As it turns out our daughters knew each other, and as her daughter left the home of a local drug dealer to receive treatment, mine took her place and moved in. At the time, I knew that he was a bad person but I had no idea how bad. I tried everything possible to get her home and away from this horrible situation. But today, I am filled with sadness and self doubt. I ask myself is there more I could have done to save her from this person and this life? Reality and common sense tell me there isn’t and that if it wasn’t this drug dealer it would have been another. Although I really found it helpful to speak to another parent going through a very similar situation it has put me on a downward spiral, questioning each decision and step I have made. I am trying to “live and let go” but is the right decision? Should I be more involved in my Difficult Child’s life? Should I be working toward getting her into treatment? I had finally come to terms with letting her live her own life and facing the consequences of her actions. I have distanced myself from my daughter giving trying to give her room to figure this out. I love her so much and let her know that often. I try not to rescue, enable or interfere. I have put my own health and well being ahead of hers and I am trying to re build my own life. Speaking to this mom was helpful to me but it also stirred up emotions I did not expect. Is it up to me to encourage her to get help or is it not my business? I am just at such a loss today L

 

[Tanya M]

Hi TTA,

Oh the self doubt, nothing like a good dose of that to turn your resolve into mush.

Sometimes you just have to go over it again and again in your head until your heart gives up. The "mom" in us always wants to make it better, to fix whatever it is that is hurting our child. In reality there is nothing more you can do. Even if you could pay for the finest rehab their is no guarantee that your daughter would stay sober. Until your daughter wants help and wants to change the course of her life their is nothing more you can do.

It sounds like you have a pretty good grasp on what it is to let go but understand it's not something that just happens, it takes time, it takes effort, it takes reminding ourselves of why we are doing what we are doing.

If you have not done so already you might want to attend an al-anon meeting and/or get a personal counselor.

It's not easy dealing with our Difficult Child. It's important to let your daughter know that you love her but that you will not support her lifestyle. Do not give her money.

Hang in there, I know how hard it is to be where you are but you can get through this.

Stay close to this site, keep posting, we are here for you.

((HUGS)) to you............

 

[HeadlightsMom]

TTA -- Hello and welcome to the group (I'm not on here super often, so I may've missed your initial entry into the group). I sure feel you in your post. Been there, done that. You are not alone at all.

First thing..........Wow. What are the odds that your daughters would know each other? Small world at times, no?

Second thing..... You wrote many insightful words of perspective about your daughter's situations and her choices. I used to have the same thought, "If not this drug dealer, than the next." True. In our case, we got a clear look at how true that is -- our son moved to several other homes (even in different cities) from ages 16-18 (long story) and in every city he went to he found the drugs and the crime. It's a magnet for him. In his youth, he wasn't really cognizant of that. Now he clearly is aware.

I think you're right on about your perceptions. I don't know her and I don't know you.......so please forgive me if I speak out of turn. I just hear your heart in your words.

I think you are strong! And, yes.......you are ok to "let go". Nope. The world of Pleasantville and white picket fences will never understand this. But we do. We live it, too. It's hard.

Boundaries don't limit love.....they only limit pain.

We're all with you in support!