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Crisis coming
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 714941" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Acacia, I am so sorry. I know how devastating this is. I know how much it hurts your heart. </p><p></p><p>I have been in a similar situation. My granddaughter was 11 when I went to the courts for temporary guardianship here in No. Ca. With temp. guardianship you have to prove that the children are in danger. I got it. But I was younger then, now my granddaughter is 21 and on her own and doing very well. It doesn't sound as if guardianship is an option for you. I applaud you for knowing what your limits are. </p><p></p><p>I agree with what everyone has said. Your daughter has exhibited no concerns for changing, only to continue manipulating you and anyone to get her needs met. Unfortunately, without professional help, your daughter is unlikely to change. My daughter is similar. Like you I spent many years trying to fix it, change it, control it.....only to realize that I can't. Only she can. Only your daughter can make the changes. My daughter has ceased to blame me or manipulate me. It took a while, but I set some pretty strong boundaries and I will not allow that behavior anymore. We have a limited connection because of her unwillingness to change her situation. It's difficult to believe how they create their own intense dramas by the terrible way they treat others. My daughter has lived in 6 different dwellings in the last few years and has been thrown out of every single one. She still maintains it is NEVER her fault. She is presently homeless. </p><p></p><p>If your daughter is like mine, she is attractive, very bright and extremely cunning. If you do nothing, once she is evicted, my guess is she will find a way. They usually do. We worry and drive ourselves crazy and if we refrain from action they find another way. They are extremely resourceful and resilient. Plus they do not experience life as we do, they lack the empathy and compassion for others that makes <u>us </u>suffer so much.....remember that.....often you and I are the only ones suffering......they are simply moving thru life getting whatever they can by manipulation and coercion. </p><p></p><p>My advice is to amp up your self care in the ways that are most important to you. Once your daughter finds out about the eviction, be prepared for the onslaught of arrows headed your way. Limit her access to you during that time. If she doesn't find a place so that the children are safe, contact the other grandparents or family and if that doesn't work, contact CPS. The courts always attempt reunification, but someone may be able to gain temp. guardianship. It sounds as if the children's basic needs are met. The other piece is that like SWOT said, often we <em>can't save the grands</em>. Find ways to learn about acceptance. I chose to look at this as the PHD program of Acceptance. I also chose to look at it like a spiritual lesson in Acceptance. One of the gifts along the way is that if you can learn acceptance in a situation as dramatic as this one is, that acceptance moves in to every area of your life and changes it in ways that are truly miraculous. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there Acacia, this is VERY hard stuff and we need help in moving thru. Get as much help as you can. Nurture yourself. Focus on YOU. Set those boundaries well. </p><p></p><p>Sending you big hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 714941, member: 13542"] Acacia, I am so sorry. I know how devastating this is. I know how much it hurts your heart. I have been in a similar situation. My granddaughter was 11 when I went to the courts for temporary guardianship here in No. Ca. With temp. guardianship you have to prove that the children are in danger. I got it. But I was younger then, now my granddaughter is 21 and on her own and doing very well. It doesn't sound as if guardianship is an option for you. I applaud you for knowing what your limits are. I agree with what everyone has said. Your daughter has exhibited no concerns for changing, only to continue manipulating you and anyone to get her needs met. Unfortunately, without professional help, your daughter is unlikely to change. My daughter is similar. Like you I spent many years trying to fix it, change it, control it.....only to realize that I can't. Only she can. Only your daughter can make the changes. My daughter has ceased to blame me or manipulate me. It took a while, but I set some pretty strong boundaries and I will not allow that behavior anymore. We have a limited connection because of her unwillingness to change her situation. It's difficult to believe how they create their own intense dramas by the terrible way they treat others. My daughter has lived in 6 different dwellings in the last few years and has been thrown out of every single one. She still maintains it is NEVER her fault. She is presently homeless. If your daughter is like mine, she is attractive, very bright and extremely cunning. If you do nothing, once she is evicted, my guess is she will find a way. They usually do. We worry and drive ourselves crazy and if we refrain from action they find another way. They are extremely resourceful and resilient. Plus they do not experience life as we do, they lack the empathy and compassion for others that makes [U]us [/U]suffer so much.....remember that.....often you and I are the only ones suffering......they are simply moving thru life getting whatever they can by manipulation and coercion. My advice is to amp up your self care in the ways that are most important to you. Once your daughter finds out about the eviction, be prepared for the onslaught of arrows headed your way. Limit her access to you during that time. If she doesn't find a place so that the children are safe, contact the other grandparents or family and if that doesn't work, contact CPS. The courts always attempt reunification, but someone may be able to gain temp. guardianship. It sounds as if the children's basic needs are met. The other piece is that like SWOT said, often we [I]can't save the grands[/I]. Find ways to learn about acceptance. I chose to look at this as the PHD program of Acceptance. I also chose to look at it like a spiritual lesson in Acceptance. One of the gifts along the way is that if you can learn acceptance in a situation as dramatic as this one is, that acceptance moves in to every area of your life and changes it in ways that are truly miraculous. Hang in there Acacia, this is VERY hard stuff and we need help in moving thru. Get as much help as you can. Nurture yourself. Focus on YOU. Set those boundaries well. Sending you big hugs. [/QUOTE]
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