"Daily Terror", or "difficult children and The Joy of PTSD..."

[witzend]

I'm sure that most of us in PE know the daily fear that we go through even when we have successfully detached ourselves from our difficult children. For me, it's the local evening news. M had such a temper, and was so disrespectful of other people's things and lives. Usually the damage he did was to things, but sometimes it was to people, and he had an obsession with violence as power. Every time I hear "an unidentified white male, 20 - 30 years old..." my ears up to hear. Is he tall, thin, etc?

I have been keeping tabs on M through his MySpace page. Nothing crazy, just checking once a week or two to see if he says anything about moving or changing jobs, etc. I feel that even if we don't have a relationship I should be able to contact him if something were to happen to husband or I, or to his grandparents. There has been a young man posting for a while there with the lovely moniker Always Down for a Beating. "I'm back, where's my homeys?" "Party at my place, booze, pot, whatever". I didn't bother mentioning it to husband. M's friends are his friends, and hopefully I'll never meet them... Still, the evening news gets to me.

So, I checked yesterday to see that M still is where he was and is somewhat safe. Always Down for a Beating has changed his moniker to Always Down for a Knifing and changed his picture to him with a ten inch blade and a maniacal smile. He posts to M that he finally has those pictures back and M is "the one in the back looking all creepy." There's a picture of M and two other guys, with M brandishing a very shiny, very large, automatic gun. It looks posed, like a halloween picture. They're all dressed up in slacks and ties and shades kind of like Reservoir Dogs.

We never approved of guns at our house, and he was always taught that if someone had one and wanted to show it off he should ask them to stop and leave if they wouldn't because the reality is in that situation that someone will do something careless or stupid and someone will be hurt eventually. I told husband. I had just made a speech the night before about having faith that M is just young and stupid and will grow out of his poor choices and come out of it unscathed and not being bothered about whether or not he comes back into our familial relationship.

I'm so disappointed to say the least. Empty and sad and angry and helpless would all be apt descriptions, as well.

:tears:

 

[Suz]

[ QUOTE ]
So, I checked yesterday to see that M still is where he was and is somewhat safe. Always Down for a Beating has changed his moniker to Always Down for a Knifing and changed his picture to him with a ten inch blade and a maniacal smile. He posts to M that he finally has those pictures back and M is "the one in the back looking all creepy." There's a picture of M and two other guys, with M brandishing a very shiny, very large, automatic gun. It looks posed, like a halloween picture. They're all dressed up in slacks and ties and shades kind of like Reservoir Dogs.

[/ QUOTE ]

Sorry, I must have taken stupid pills this morning instead of my vitamins.

Where are these pictures? On M's MySpace or this other idiot's?

And M and this Always Down for the Knifing are two different people, right?

sheesh, Witz :wildone:

Suz

 

[KFld]

You can find out lots of things on Myspace that you don't want to know about your kids and sometimes wish you didn't find out.
Myspace wasn't around yet when my difficult child was living home, but I did have something called chat nanny at the time that tracked his daily emails and instant messages and I found out many things that made my hair stand on end.

Now I track my easy child daughter on Myspace, though hers is set to private, I found her boyfriends :smile:
Fortunatley I have learned that he is a nice kid who doesn't seem to drink or drug. I don't know what I would do with the info if I found something bad.

Sorry you are seeing these things about M, but unless you want to report it to somebody, maybe you shouldn't read it. it's only going to make you sadder and harder for you to detatch.

I do know what you mean about the news though. My difficult child doesn't live home, we have a good relationship, but when I hear things on the news about the town he lives in, my heart starts racing and I get that knot in the pit of my stomach until I hear it's not him.

 

[witzend]

[ QUOTE ]
Where are these pictures? On M's MySpace or this other idiot's?

[/ QUOTE ]

It's a picture that the other guy has posted on M's MySpace page.

[ QUOTE ]
And M and this Always Down for the Knifing are two different people, right?

[/ QUOTE ]

Yes. Always Down for a Knifing is someone he has met since he was living with us.

 

[Suz]

Makes a mother's heart proud.....NOT! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/919Mad.gif

Suz

 

[Sunlight]

some times it is just plain better to not know. Simply pray for God to watch over your/His son.

 

[Hound dog]

Yep, sometimes it's better to bury your head in the sand and pray for better days ahead. (never thought I'd say that)

I can get into N's mySpace anytime and check. I don't. Sometimes a parent can get too much information. But I also know my best friend and easy child is keeping watch over it for me. Plus one of N's close friends. So if things got too dark, I'm sure I'd be informed.

When I was young I did things that would still scare my mother silly. Heck, now that I'm older the stuff I did scares me silly. :shocked: Young, dumb, and stupid with gfgdom added in and a healthy dose of invincablilty. I'm lucky to be here. Let alone a responsibile wife, mother, and grandmother.

Scarey stuff. Hopefully maturity will bring difficult child to his senses in the near future.

((((hugs))))

 

[rejectedmom]

Oh Witz, I totally understand! I get anxious every time I hear a siren. I live only a couple of blocks from the area hospital so that is frequent. For now I just sigh as I almost simultaneously remember that difficult child is not "out there". I wonder if I will ever stop getting those feelings. I suppose it could be possible if he stayed out of trouble for a while but then I wonder if he will. -RM

 

[DammitJanet]

I get this too. I dont know if Im glad Cory doesnt use myspace or not...lol. He doesnt get online long enough anymore to need it.

But I still get the lump in my throat anytime I hear something on tv about the cops looking for someone. Im always looking at the pics they show to see if it looks like Cory. Sigh.

 

[Lori4ever]

I'm sorry. I know how scary something like that can be. The choices they make are frightening. Hopefulling he will mature before he gets hurt.

 

[ScentofCedar]

It's a living nightmare, isn't it Witz.

I think I had posted before about defining the feelings and viewing THOSE as the enemy.

It doesn't always work.

I'm sorry this is happening, Witz.

Barbara

 

[kris]

<font color="blue">sometimes i think my space is the worst thing that ever happened......to parents. it just gives us way too much access to things we are probably better off not knwing. both of mine have my spaces....i've never checked either one of them.

i think the others are right.....you would be better off not reading M's my space. you get upset every time you do.

you have taught him everything you could. he'll be 21 soon enough. maybe it's time to stop tracking him.

kris </font>

 

[witzend]

[ QUOTE ]
Sorry you are seeing these things about M, but unless you want to report it to somebody, maybe you shouldn't read it. it's only going to make you sadder and harder for you to detatch.

[/ QUOTE ]

If I ever saw something that was illegal, I would report it in a heartbeat. In the meantime, I know that M is working, has a place to live, and food to eat. I wouldn't know that if I didn't check from time to time.

[ QUOTE ]
i think the others are right.....you would be better off not reading M's my space. you get upset every time you do.

[/ QUOTE ]

I think you are mis-remembering. I have never posted that I was upset about his "MySpace" stuff, and other than you and Karen (who does check her daughter's page, and suggested I stop only if I don't follow through with the law when appropriate), no one else said I should stop. Most said they do too, or if they can't tolerate it they have someone else checking for them. No one wants to do that for me, and I wouldn't ask anyone to.

I did post once that he says he parties a lot and that was something he didn't used to do so far as I knew. I also posted that he was working and where, had an apartment, and I had found a phone number for him. I smoked pot every day for 12 years and I didn't turn out so badly after all. Given my current lot in life, I wouldn't change a thing in my past, good or bad, if I had to give up anything that I have now. I have faith that M can change too. It's the not knowing that's killer. I'm not going to turn him in for smoking dope if there's no reason to believe that it causes him to act out. Besides, in the neighborhood he is in the cops would laugh in my face if that was the worse thing I could say about a kid.

[ QUOTE ]
maybe it's time to stop tracking him.

[/ QUOTE ]

I know that this may not be what you are used to in your home, because you have contact with your kids and what is now a good relationship with them. But for me, I wouldn't have a clue about him if I didn't check. I'm not "tracking" or "stalking" or anything of the sort. I'm checking occassionally to make sure he's safe and I can find him. Sometimes I see that he is still being stupid. And if I didn't check, instead of knowing that he's being stupid and posing with guns or getting high - while he works and pays rent - I would be worried every time I hear the news stories where the unidentified white male with brown hair and a shaggy beard did some horrifically stupid or violent thing. I check his MySpace once or twice a month, see he's still partying and barely getting by, see he hasn't moved, see he's still working at the 7-11 and set my mind at ease.

If you read what I wrote, I'm not that upset about the MySpace, I'm upset by the news and the not knowing. Like most of us are upset about ringing telephones or sirens. Do I like the picture? No. Is anyone else watching out for my kid? No. Would I have him or his friends arrested if I thought there was evidence that he was committing violent crimes or vandalism? In a heartbeat. Would anyone else he knows do that? No. So, thanks for the advice, but until you have walked a mile in my shoes or taken my particular situation into account, it sounds a little judgmental.

Just because M has written us off doesn't mean that I have written him off, or that when I see something stupid in his life I don't get to comment on it because I choose to not actually involve myself in it. I come here for support just like everyone else. I don't know of anyone who has successfully removed themselves from their kid's drama as much as husband and I have. I haven't spoken to him or interfered with him in any way in over two years. If I want to comment on his dumbness a few times a year, I think I should be allowed to do so.

 

[dreamer]

For the Myspace stuff? I have watched my kids and their fiends nd my youngest brother post there and I have found that kids post all kinds of things, whether t is true or not. I have seen them post they are taking college classes when I know for certain they aren't. I have seen them post or put up photos claiming they drug, even if they don't------(maybe looking for excitement?) and I have seen ones who DO drug post and sound anti drug. I guess it depends who they are trying to impress or what audience they are trying to draw in or something? they might as well be in costume on a stage. Yes, sometimes what you read on Myspace is true, and sometimes it's not. And even if it sounds "bad" - well- some people find "bad" to be "cool"

As for the news, even if you did not have a difficult child it is highly possible the news and sirens could still upset you. When I hear the town my brother lives in on the news, my ears perk- was he in a car accident? the victim of a crime? Whatever news story might be on, if they name a place I am familiar with, I pay closer attention, hoping all are safe. My friends, my cousins etc. I am pretty sure once my kids no longer live at home, I will perk up listening to the news if anything at all sounds even remotely like them.

 

[witzend]

I am waiting for the day that I go to the myspace page and he has graduated college. Or gotten a real job. Or has a girlfriend. I know it will happen one day, and probably when he has something real to post, he will have outgrown myspace anyway...

I'm sure that there's lots of bravado there. I'm also sure that I will always worry when the news is on. Since I know where he lives from checking his myspace, at least I know what city to worry about! :wink:

 

[KFld]

When my difficult child shared my cell phone minutes, I used to be able to see online who he was calling and I would track the amount of time that he wasn't in contact with wingnut. I used to drive myself nuts because I would get so excited to see weeks go by with no contact, then wham, he'd be talking to her 24/7. I'm really glad he bought his own cell phone with his own plan that I don't have access too, because I don't know when he is or isn't talking to her anymore and not knowing is so much less stressful.

I know exactly where you are coming from though, because if my difficult child was on myspace, I know I would be tracking his wherabouts and who he was talking to and hanging with all the time. I do it now with easy child daughter. I can't get on her's because it's set to private, but I did find boyfriend's :smile: I like to know what kind of people she is spending her time with.

 

[TYLERFAN]

The saying..."Ignorance is Bliss" isn't all wrong.
Peace of mind can only be obtained, I believe, by not going looking for more trouble than you already got.
I can't believe I said that either, I used to track difficult child's every move. I don't have the will or the strength to do that now.

Blessings,
Melissa :smile:

 

[witzend]

I guess I don't understand why a few people (who are lucky enough to have contact with their children) seem to feel that I am wrong to want to know that M is alive. He hasn't contacted us in over two years. He hasn't contacted anyone we know in two years. I don't talk to him. I don't interfere with him. I'm not bothered by what he posts on his MySpace page. It gives me relief to know that he is working and fed and has a place to live. It makes me feel better. I'll be happy when I see something wonderful, but in the meantime, do I not get to comment upon his antics, only my own feelings without explanation? If it doesn't bother me, why does it bother you? How many of you can really say that you know what it is like to be cut out of your child's live forever and not know if you will ever see them again? If you thought it was bad when you didn't see them for weeks or months, try years.

Does the fact that I find this out through his MySpace page negate my right to comment upon it? I don't act on any of it and it doesn't upset me. I have to say that I am terribly hurt and upset that people try to second guess me when they haven't lived my life. By all means, if someone has a suggestion as to how I can check to see that he is alive and safe without looking at his web page or learning anything else about his life, I am all ears, 'cuz there isn't a way. Am I never allowed to wonder where he is, or what he is doing, or think of him when the phone rings, or when I see a tall thin young man on the street, or hear a news story that sounds like him? Does the fact that he won't talk to us mean that I am not welcome to post my feelings and observations about him here? How is my worry about news stories any different than anyone else jumping when the phone rings or the siren sounds? Because he cut us off?

Again, I am not upset about the partying or the picture. I am not upset about the partying or the picture. I don't know how else to say that and really feel that I have heard enough advice about not checking his page from time to time. It's not advice I want or am going to take because it is the wrong advice for me. I am and always will be his mother. I will always hope for the best and fear the worst. And so long as I have the ability to check on him and ease my fears, I will.

I'm sorry that so many of you seem to think that I should stop looking at his MySpace page to ease my fears about his life. It helps me to not worry. I'm not hurting you. I'm not hurting me - in fact I'm putting my mind at ease. I'm not hurting M or husband or anyone. I'm allowed to worry about M just like the rest of you worry about yours. When you haven't seen or heard from your child for 2+ years and you find a way to check and be sure he is alright, maybe you will feel differently about it.

 

[Suz]

[ QUOTE ]
I'm so disappointed to say the least. Empty and sad and angry and helpless would all be apt descriptions, as well. :tears:



[/ QUOTE ]

Witz, it's my guess that folks thought it was breaking your heart to read the stuff based on what you said above. I'm sure that no one meant offense, only comfort.

Suz

 

[ScentofCedar]

I agree with Suz Witz, that those who have given advice have done it hoping to comfort you, not to hurt you further. But this is one of those things no one who has not been through it could ever understand.

I am sorry, so sorry for your pain, Witz.

There was no way any of us could have prepared ourselves for the kind of loss we live with every day.

I remember the stress response when the phone rang.

I remember the sense of panic at hearing a siren or seeing a news report.

That is what makes what we suffer post-traumatic stress.

We get it that it is not rational to react as we do.

But the horror and the panic and the grief are still there.

Sometimes, the grief is overwhelming.

In a way, it's like that painting "The Scream" that Fran used to post about.

There is no way to communicate what this feels like to someone who has not been through it.

But that's okay, Witz. Enough of us here HAVE been through it to understand the taste of the particular hell you are living through right now.

Take a deep breath Witz, and fight the feeling.

Life is so short.

If and when M comes back or needs you, you want to be healthy, not resentful or broken or scared.

I'm so sorry, Witz.

You can do this.

Barbara