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Daughter being hateful advice please
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 736687" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Welcome Hurt, I'm so sorry for your heartache.</p><p></p><p>You sound like a very loving and giving person. These are traits that can open us up to being used, even by our own children.</p><p></p><p>Okay, so your daughter went on a cruise with her mother in law and family on that side. I can see where you would feel left out. Your daughter has made new relationships with her mother in law and other family members, however, you are still her mother and her words to you to were very cruel. Take a step back and just breathe. I am reminded of something my mother used to say, "it's not what you say, it's how you say it"</p><p>I am hoping that your daughter meant to say something like "Mom, I love you and wish you could go but this trip is for the girls on my husbands side of the family". Her choice of words were very harsh. </p><p>I know several woman who take girls trips with their mother in laws and sister in laws and cousins from their husbands side of the family. </p><p>Something I learned some time ago on my own journey with my son is to not let him know how I feel because he will use my feeling against me.</p><p>When you told your daughter how hurt you were and she said to just get over it, was like pouring salt into your wound.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is 31. If she can afford to go on a cruise then it's obvious she does not need your financial support for clothes, loans, car payments, etc........</p><p>I understand a mother's love wanting to do things for their child but when it becomes a situation where the child is no longer grateful and instead expects it, then it's time to step back, especially if she is being unkind to you.</p><p>The next time she wants your clothes or something else, simply tell her no. I say simply but I know it's not always that easy. You know your daughter and you know what kinds of things she will ask for. Something that has helped me and many others here is to have some standard, simple answers. </p><p>Daughter: Mom, I really need some money.</p><p>Mom: Gee, that's too bad honey.</p><p>Daughter: Mom, you have to give me some money.</p><p>Mom: I'm not able to help you.</p><p>Daughter: I know you have the money, why won't you give it to me, I'll pay you back!</p><p>Mom: I'm not able to help you.</p><p>Daughter: Why are you being like this? I need help!</p><p>Mom: I'm sure you will be able to figure something out.</p><p>Daughter: If you loved me you would help me!</p><p>Mom: I love you but I'm not able to help you.</p><p>Daughter: I hate you!!</p><p>Mom: I'm sorry you feel that way.</p><p>Daughter: Why won't you help me??</p><p>Mom: I'm not able to help you.</p><p>Daughter: But why??</p><p>Mom: I'm done discussing this.</p><p>At this point you need to walk away or hang up the phone.</p><p>It's always easier on the phone. When you have had enough you simply say "someone's at the door, gotta go, love ya, bye"</p><p>The main thing is to not engage into a debate. When we tell our children no we <u><strong>do not </strong></u>owe them any kind of explanation.</p><p></p><p>As for your daughter blaming you for everything that's not gone well in her life, we've all been there!</p><p>This a tactic that is used to try and make us feel guilty. You see when we wallow in "guilt" we are more likely to give into our children's demands. Don't buy into her blame game. She is a grown woman who is capable of making her own decisions. Do not allow her to hold your emotions hostage.</p><p></p><p>It's so easy for a parent to lose their own identity and just be "Mom" or "Dad" You have a name (but you don't need to share it here) You need to take your own life back and live for yourself. Find and do things that bring you joy. </p><p>Be good to yourself! </p><p>((HUGS))</p><p>Below is a link to an article on detachment. Give it a read.</p><p><a href="https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/" target="_blank">Article on Detachment</a></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 736687, member: 18516"] Welcome Hurt, I'm so sorry for your heartache. You sound like a very loving and giving person. These are traits that can open us up to being used, even by our own children. Okay, so your daughter went on a cruise with her mother in law and family on that side. I can see where you would feel left out. Your daughter has made new relationships with her mother in law and other family members, however, you are still her mother and her words to you to were very cruel. Take a step back and just breathe. I am reminded of something my mother used to say, "it's not what you say, it's how you say it" I am hoping that your daughter meant to say something like "Mom, I love you and wish you could go but this trip is for the girls on my husbands side of the family". Her choice of words were very harsh. I know several woman who take girls trips with their mother in laws and sister in laws and cousins from their husbands side of the family. Something I learned some time ago on my own journey with my son is to not let him know how I feel because he will use my feeling against me. When you told your daughter how hurt you were and she said to just get over it, was like pouring salt into your wound. Your daughter is 31. If she can afford to go on a cruise then it's obvious she does not need your financial support for clothes, loans, car payments, etc........ I understand a mother's love wanting to do things for their child but when it becomes a situation where the child is no longer grateful and instead expects it, then it's time to step back, especially if she is being unkind to you. The next time she wants your clothes or something else, simply tell her no. I say simply but I know it's not always that easy. You know your daughter and you know what kinds of things she will ask for. Something that has helped me and many others here is to have some standard, simple answers. Daughter: Mom, I really need some money. Mom: Gee, that's too bad honey. Daughter: Mom, you have to give me some money. Mom: I'm not able to help you. Daughter: I know you have the money, why won't you give it to me, I'll pay you back! Mom: I'm not able to help you. Daughter: Why are you being like this? I need help! Mom: I'm sure you will be able to figure something out. Daughter: If you loved me you would help me! Mom: I love you but I'm not able to help you. Daughter: I hate you!! Mom: I'm sorry you feel that way. Daughter: Why won't you help me?? Mom: I'm not able to help you. Daughter: But why?? Mom: I'm done discussing this. At this point you need to walk away or hang up the phone. It's always easier on the phone. When you have had enough you simply say "someone's at the door, gotta go, love ya, bye" The main thing is to not engage into a debate. When we tell our children no we [U][B]do not [/B][/U]owe them any kind of explanation. As for your daughter blaming you for everything that's not gone well in her life, we've all been there! This a tactic that is used to try and make us feel guilty. You see when we wallow in "guilt" we are more likely to give into our children's demands. Don't buy into her blame game. She is a grown woman who is capable of making her own decisions. Do not allow her to hold your emotions hostage. It's so easy for a parent to lose their own identity and just be "Mom" or "Dad" You have a name (but you don't need to share it here) You need to take your own life back and live for yourself. Find and do things that bring you joy. Be good to yourself! ((HUGS)) Below is a link to an article on detachment. Give it a read. [URL="https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/"]Article on Detachment[/URL] [/QUOTE]
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