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Daughter in abusive relationship
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 734514" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hello Wish and welcome, so sorry for your need to be here.</p><p>Sigh.</p><p>The cycle of domestic violence is one that is very hard to break. My late hubs was raised immersed in it. His sister married a violent man.</p><p>My daughter ended up with an abusive boyfriend.</p><p>Much of what you are experiencing is what we went through.</p><p>I am sorry, it is a very difficult thing to experience.</p><p>We have three grandchildren who were raised in this environment. For a few years, they all went back and forth between grandparents, would manage a few months in their own place, then there would be an “incident”. I would help my daughter move out, get a TRO, things would be okay for a few weeks, then he would sneak over while we worked. They went from drinking and pot smoking, to crack, then meth. That’s when things really went downhill. The violence increased.</p><p>There was nothing I could do to stop it.</p><p>In fact, looking back, my being rescue mom and grandma may have actually <em>prolonged it.</em></p><p>It is the hardest thing to go through, knowing the danger, and not being able to do anything about it. The thing is, your daughter needs counseling and help to disentangle herself from the web her boyfriend has captured her in. She is most likely entrenched in this cycle, violent episodes, apologies, a period of remorse and promises, to the point where she is blinded emotionally, drained and suffering from low self esteem.</p><p>Your home is a temporary escape. If you look at the pattern, she will come to you when things get bad, then go back to him.</p><p>This essentially makes you a part of this cycle, and puts you, and your home in danger. The more her boyfriend gets away with, the more brazen he will become. Unfortunately, some police are not very helpful. I think that some officers have seen this so much, with girlfriends going back, they have become numb to it.</p><p>Most states have laws where they are supposed to have 48 hour jail holds on domestic violent offenders.</p><p>It is a system gone awry.</p><p>Still, the police should be called every single time there is an altercation, to log down the history of it. If your daughter is in your home and her boyfriend acts out in anyway, <em>call the police</em>. If your daughter calls you with reports of violence, call the police.</p><p><em>You</em> need help sorting through all of this. I ended up going to counseling, because it all got so bad, my daughter was stuck in this cycle, my grands, <em>and so where we.</em> I thought that I was the only one she could turn too, that if I didn’t open up my home there was no place for them to go. Having grand babies involved made it that much harder.</p><p>So, we went through years of her making attempts to leave, getting TROs, then they would get back together.</p><p>I broke the cycle after a very unsettling episode in my home, I finally had to say no more.</p><p> It was not easy. But I stuck to it. It was obvious that things weren’t changing, my “rescuing” didn’t help.</p><p>The last time my daughter told me she wanted to come home, was right after her father passed. I was grieving and broken, but I summoned up the courage to say “No, you need to go to a d v shelter. You don’t get the help you need here, and neither do the kids.”</p><p>Looking back, I should have said that long ago. There are shelters everywhere for women who <em>really</em> want to break free from the madness. If your daughter is truly intent on getting out, that is where she needs to go. D v shelters are safe houses, there are rules, protection and counseling.</p><p>In the meantime, you can help her by keeping copies of all important documents, birth certificate, social security card, bank statements. You can help her, by getting help for yourself, learning about domestic violence, knowing where to direct her for <em>real help</em>.</p><p>You can assure her that you love her, that her boyfriends mistreatment of her is unacceptable.</p><p>The rest is really up to her. She has to find it within herself to leave.</p><p>I am sorry for your hurting mommas heart. That is what you are, <em>her mother</em>. You are not a d v counselor, or equipped to protect her from the abuse.</p><p>It is difficult to step back.</p><p>I know.</p><p>Every time my daughter called and was ready to leave, I stepped in. I rearranged my home. Took her to the courthouse. Each time, she went back to him. It was an insidious, vicious cycle that eeked over into our lives, our home.</p><p>We were just a temporary solution. My daughter may have intended at first to leave, but her boyfriend <em>had this hold on her. </em>I couldn’t break that spell. They seemed to be drawn to one another, a sickening facsimile of “love”.</p><p>My love and concern, sacrificing my own home and safety did not stop the craziness of it.</p><p>The longer she stayed, the worse it got.</p><p>She is no longer with this.....<em>man. </em>But the scars run deep.</p><p>I wish that I had stood my ground and said sooner</p><p>“Not in my house.” I didn’t realize how entrenched I became, how much I was involved in a battle that was not mine. I thought each time she would come back, that maybe this time would be different, that she would stand up.</p><p>The problem was that she didn’t get counseling, she felt a sense of relief, then went right back to the same old, same old <em>and there was nothing I could do to stop the train wreck</em>. I am not a counselor, couldn’t reach her the way a therapist could. I would tell her that he could not come to our home, but there was really no way I could enforce that.</p><p>I wish I could tell you that my daughter is okay now. She isn’t. She has finally left her abusive boyfriend, but, also her three kids. She is out there, addicted to meth.</p><p>None of this, could I stop.</p><p>We have no control over another adult, not even our own children.</p><p>We can only have control over ourselves.</p><p>With help, we can see unhealthy patterns in our relationships, find tools to strengthen ourselves, and break the cycle. I’m writing about the way your daughter views you, and how you see your role with her, how you react to her situation. What’s working, what isn’t.</p><p>If your daughter really wants to break away from her boyfriend, <em>you</em> are not her only resort. Directing her to a shelter, where she can get <em>real help</em>, is a way to stop her cycling to your home, then returning to the abuse. It doesn’t mean you are coldly cutting her off. It means that she has to stop using you as a respite. It frees her to find real help, where there will be no contact allowed with her abuser, which is what she needs to break away.</p><p>I know how hard this is, Wish.</p><p>The reason why I urge you to get help is because we as mothers get so caught up in the maelstrom of it, we can lose ourselves, feel desperate and unsure of what to do. In a way, it becomes just as much as our journey, as it is for our beloveds. A therapist well versed in domestic violence, can help guide you through this, no matter what your daughter decides.</p><p>The more you educate yourself, the more you can find your way through the darkness.</p><p>Four years is a long time to be going through this. It is stressful to say the least, heart and gut wrenching. And, scary, really, really scary.</p><p>We have learned to sacrifice much when we raise our kids. We can get into habits of neglecting ourselves, when our adult children go wayward with choices.</p><p>Make sure you take some time to regroup and strengthen yourself. Another way to help your daughter is to model self care and self love, by taking good care of yourself.</p><p>One day, one step at a time.</p><p>My heart goes out to yours.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p><p>Ps, I just read your other replies. My daughter turned on me as well, many times when we tried to protect her. “You are just making it worse for me.....” </p><p>Swot is right, it is like an addiction.... to drama. Victims can get their minds all twisted up by their abusers. It is a very sad thing. Hang in there.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 734514, member: 19522"] Hello Wish and welcome, so sorry for your need to be here. Sigh. The cycle of domestic violence is one that is very hard to break. My late hubs was raised immersed in it. His sister married a violent man. My daughter ended up with an abusive boyfriend. Much of what you are experiencing is what we went through. I am sorry, it is a very difficult thing to experience. We have three grandchildren who were raised in this environment. For a few years, they all went back and forth between grandparents, would manage a few months in their own place, then there would be an “incident”. I would help my daughter move out, get a TRO, things would be okay for a few weeks, then he would sneak over while we worked. They went from drinking and pot smoking, to crack, then meth. That’s when things really went downhill. The violence increased. There was nothing I could do to stop it. In fact, looking back, my being rescue mom and grandma may have actually [I]prolonged it.[/I] It is the hardest thing to go through, knowing the danger, and not being able to do anything about it. The thing is, your daughter needs counseling and help to disentangle herself from the web her boyfriend has captured her in. She is most likely entrenched in this cycle, violent episodes, apologies, a period of remorse and promises, to the point where she is blinded emotionally, drained and suffering from low self esteem. Your home is a temporary escape. If you look at the pattern, she will come to you when things get bad, then go back to him. This essentially makes you a part of this cycle, and puts you, and your home in danger. The more her boyfriend gets away with, the more brazen he will become. Unfortunately, some police are not very helpful. I think that some officers have seen this so much, with girlfriends going back, they have become numb to it. Most states have laws where they are supposed to have 48 hour jail holds on domestic violent offenders. It is a system gone awry. Still, the police should be called every single time there is an altercation, to log down the history of it. If your daughter is in your home and her boyfriend acts out in anyway, [I]call the police[/I]. If your daughter calls you with reports of violence, call the police. [I]You[/I] need help sorting through all of this. I ended up going to counseling, because it all got so bad, my daughter was stuck in this cycle, my grands, [I]and so where we.[/I] I thought that I was the only one she could turn too, that if I didn’t open up my home there was no place for them to go. Having grand babies involved made it that much harder. So, we went through years of her making attempts to leave, getting TROs, then they would get back together. I broke the cycle after a very unsettling episode in my home, I finally had to say no more. It was not easy. But I stuck to it. It was obvious that things weren’t changing, my “rescuing” didn’t help. The last time my daughter told me she wanted to come home, was right after her father passed. I was grieving and broken, but I summoned up the courage to say “No, you need to go to a d v shelter. You don’t get the help you need here, and neither do the kids.” Looking back, I should have said that long ago. There are shelters everywhere for women who [I]really[/I] want to break free from the madness. If your daughter is truly intent on getting out, that is where she needs to go. D v shelters are safe houses, there are rules, protection and counseling. In the meantime, you can help her by keeping copies of all important documents, birth certificate, social security card, bank statements. You can help her, by getting help for yourself, learning about domestic violence, knowing where to direct her for [I]real help[/I]. You can assure her that you love her, that her boyfriends mistreatment of her is unacceptable. The rest is really up to her. She has to find it within herself to leave. I am sorry for your hurting mommas heart. That is what you are, [I]her mother[/I]. You are not a d v counselor, or equipped to protect her from the abuse. It is difficult to step back. I know. Every time my daughter called and was ready to leave, I stepped in. I rearranged my home. Took her to the courthouse. Each time, she went back to him. It was an insidious, vicious cycle that eeked over into our lives, our home. We were just a temporary solution. My daughter may have intended at first to leave, but her boyfriend [I]had this hold on her. [/I]I couldn’t break that spell. They seemed to be drawn to one another, a sickening facsimile of “love”. My love and concern, sacrificing my own home and safety did not stop the craziness of it. The longer she stayed, the worse it got. She is no longer with this.....[I]man. [/I]But the scars run deep. I wish that I had stood my ground and said sooner “Not in my house.” I didn’t realize how entrenched I became, how much I was involved in a battle that was not mine. I thought each time she would come back, that maybe this time would be different, that she would stand up. The problem was that she didn’t get counseling, she felt a sense of relief, then went right back to the same old, same old [I]and there was nothing I could do to stop the train wreck[/I]. I am not a counselor, couldn’t reach her the way a therapist could. I would tell her that he could not come to our home, but there was really no way I could enforce that. I wish I could tell you that my daughter is okay now. She isn’t. She has finally left her abusive boyfriend, but, also her three kids. She is out there, addicted to meth. None of this, could I stop. We have no control over another adult, not even our own children. We can only have control over ourselves. With help, we can see unhealthy patterns in our relationships, find tools to strengthen ourselves, and break the cycle. I’m writing about the way your daughter views you, and how you see your role with her, how you react to her situation. What’s working, what isn’t. If your daughter really wants to break away from her boyfriend, [I]you[/I] are not her only resort. Directing her to a shelter, where she can get [I]real help[/I], is a way to stop her cycling to your home, then returning to the abuse. It doesn’t mean you are coldly cutting her off. It means that she has to stop using you as a respite. It frees her to find real help, where there will be no contact allowed with her abuser, which is what she needs to break away. I know how hard this is, Wish. The reason why I urge you to get help is because we as mothers get so caught up in the maelstrom of it, we can lose ourselves, feel desperate and unsure of what to do. In a way, it becomes just as much as our journey, as it is for our beloveds. A therapist well versed in domestic violence, can help guide you through this, no matter what your daughter decides. The more you educate yourself, the more you can find your way through the darkness. Four years is a long time to be going through this. It is stressful to say the least, heart and gut wrenching. And, scary, really, really scary. We have learned to sacrifice much when we raise our kids. We can get into habits of neglecting ourselves, when our adult children go wayward with choices. Make sure you take some time to regroup and strengthen yourself. Another way to help your daughter is to model self care and self love, by taking good care of yourself. One day, one step at a time. My heart goes out to yours. (((Hugs))) Leafy Ps, I just read your other replies. My daughter turned on me as well, many times when we tried to protect her. “You are just making it worse for me.....” Swot is right, it is like an addiction.... to drama. Victims can get their minds all twisted up by their abusers. It is a very sad thing. Hang in there. [/QUOTE]
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