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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 721870" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>It has been a long while since I have written here.</p><p>I have been working hard at shifting my focus and trying to rediscover (reinvent?) myself, which caused a hiatus from posting.</p><p>I returned from my walk the other morning deep in thought and a bit troubled by recent events with Tornado. I logged on to see an alert to this post.</p><p> It was the quote that triggered the alert, Albie, a reminder to me, as I still wrestle with my heart, my thoughts and the winding road of dealing with <em>this</em></p><p>You all have been such a support, a true lighthouse in calm and stormy times in my own struggle with what I see now as a <em>sychronistic</em> tailspin with two addicted adult children.</p><p>Like a moth to the flame, drawn by love and despair, burned over and again by the heartache of it all.</p><p>Dammit, as lost as they are in their drug world, I became lost myself.</p><p>These are our children, and we are catapulted smack dab into the desolation of their addiction.</p><p></p><p>This grief we deal with,</p><p>is rekindled with each twist and turn,</p><p>the blows just keep on</p><p>and on</p><p>and on.</p><p>Here we all are, holding each other's hearts and hands, trying to soften those blows.</p><p>LBL, that morning walk, I prayed and traveled the maze in my mind, seeking solace from my latest episode with Tornado. I was also grappling with thoughts of her approaching birthday, October 20. She will be 29.</p><p>I found myself spinning again, that moth to the flame feeling.......</p><p>Stop.</p><p>Breath.</p><p>Rethink.</p><p>If I could change one word in that old post Albie quoted, it would be <em>ignore. </em></p><p><em>How can any mother ignore this?</em></p><p>I suppose at the time of writing it, I was at a point in the stages of grief, fed up, tired, angr<em>y.</em></p><p><em>I needed respite from the battle</em>.</p><p> I was tired of feeling lost.</p><p>Probably in a "no contact" period, often imposed by my daughter as <em>punishment</em>.</p><p>What an odd world we are living in, dealing day in and out with the degradation of <em>this</em></p><p><em>Ugh.</em></p><p>Today, I would say <em>ignoring</em> it is impossible, it is <em>always</em> In the back of my mind.</p><p>Recognition of that has helped me in the never ending road of recovery.</p><p>It is not because I am strong, it is because I am weak.</p><p></p><p> My two are con artists and I am their easy mark. They have a bag of tricks and I am no match.</p><p>I went through all the shoulda, woulda, coulda, over and again.</p><p></p><p>That isn't ignoring, that's bloody <em><strong>work.</strong></em></p><p><strong><em>I had to step back.</em></strong></p><p>Like an outmatched boxer in the ring I had to bob and weave and step back.</p><p>The blows keep on coming.</p><p>Ignore them?</p><p> No way.</p><p> I have to continuously build my toolbox bigger than their bag of tricks.</p><p>I don't <em>ignore</em> my two and the choices they make.</p><p>Now, I try to look at it right in the face.</p><p>It has been ongoing for years.</p><p>They are drug addicts.</p><p>Addicts lie and steal.</p><p>Addicts harm their loved ones.</p><p>Swot, I used to think that was harsh to write here to hurting parents, but it is the reality of it.</p><p>Truth.</p><p>We all must do what we must do to deal with this</p><p>I think it was Cedar who wrote "lest we cannot look ourselves in the mirror"</p><p>You are right to give your son his wings to fly on his own.</p><p>It is not an easy thing either way, how I do feel for you and your aching heart.</p><p>Take the time you need to feel and find your way through this</p><p>Take extremely good care of yourself. </p><p>My hopes and prayers go out to all for strength and comfort.</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 721870, member: 19522"] It has been a long while since I have written here. I have been working hard at shifting my focus and trying to rediscover (reinvent?) myself, which caused a hiatus from posting. I returned from my walk the other morning deep in thought and a bit troubled by recent events with Tornado. I logged on to see an alert to this post. It was the quote that triggered the alert, Albie, a reminder to me, as I still wrestle with my heart, my thoughts and the winding road of dealing with [I]this[/I] You all have been such a support, a true lighthouse in calm and stormy times in my own struggle with what I see now as a [I]sychronistic[/I] tailspin with two addicted adult children. Like a moth to the flame, drawn by love and despair, burned over and again by the heartache of it all. Dammit, as lost as they are in their drug world, I became lost myself. These are our children, and we are catapulted smack dab into the desolation of their addiction. This grief we deal with, is rekindled with each twist and turn, the blows just keep on and on and on. Here we all are, holding each other's hearts and hands, trying to soften those blows. LBL, that morning walk, I prayed and traveled the maze in my mind, seeking solace from my latest episode with Tornado. I was also grappling with thoughts of her approaching birthday, October 20. She will be 29. I found myself spinning again, that moth to the flame feeling....... Stop. Breath. Rethink. If I could change one word in that old post Albie quoted, it would be [I]ignore. How can any mother ignore this?[/I] I suppose at the time of writing it, I was at a point in the stages of grief, fed up, tired, angr[I]y. I needed respite from the battle[/I]. I was tired of feeling lost. Probably in a "no contact" period, often imposed by my daughter as [I]punishment[/I]. What an odd world we are living in, dealing day in and out with the degradation of [I]this Ugh.[/I] Today, I would say [I]ignoring[/I] it is impossible, it is [I]always[/I] In the back of my mind. Recognition of that has helped me in the never ending road of recovery. It is not because I am strong, it is because I am weak. My two are con artists and I am their easy mark. They have a bag of tricks and I am no match. I went through all the shoulda, woulda, coulda, over and again. That isn't ignoring, that's bloody [I][B]work.[/B][/I] [B][I]I had to step back.[/I][/B] Like an outmatched boxer in the ring I had to bob and weave and step back. The blows keep on coming. Ignore them? No way. I have to continuously build my toolbox bigger than their bag of tricks. I don't [I]ignore[/I] my two and the choices they make. Now, I try to look at it right in the face. It has been ongoing for years. They are drug addicts. Addicts lie and steal. Addicts harm their loved ones. Swot, I used to think that was harsh to write here to hurting parents, but it is the reality of it. Truth. We all must do what we must do to deal with this I think it was Cedar who wrote "lest we cannot look ourselves in the mirror" You are right to give your son his wings to fly on his own. It is not an easy thing either way, how I do feel for you and your aching heart. Take the time you need to feel and find your way through this Take extremely good care of yourself. My hopes and prayers go out to all for strength and comfort. (((HUGS))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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