Dear mother letters that you never send

[BusynMember]

Sometimes in therapy we are told to write a letter to our abuser(s) and never send them. I never did it. I wouldn't even know what to say to my mother. Or anyone. I feel that anything I said, if they Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) it, would be invalidated. However, these are OUR letters. I'm going to think on this one.

In the meantime, anyone up for a letter that you will never send?

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I am still too sad to think what to say. Then, I am angry. Then, I am like...what to hay?

All I could think to say today would be that I wish it could all have been different for all of us. Then, I remember that it could always have been other than it was, but that my mom (and my sister too, now that we are having a look at our sisters) seems, not only to want all of our relationships to feel like they do, but to have worked very hard to see to it that we interact exactly as we do.








I think I still feel I should have been able to do this better. I think that if I'd been stronger, I would have said so the minute things went wrong instead of always trying to figure out how the wrongesses were somehow okay.

Are you going to write a letter, Serenity?

At this point in my healing, my letter would be an angry and sad and powerless thing.

That's how I feel, really.

I am not giving them the power to define anything about me in future.

I am thinking alot about the boundaries article you posted for us, and about letting go of outcome instead of forever wishing I'd done better and this hadn't happened.

Whether I did well or poorly, it is what it is, now.

Let go.

D H said last night that I need to admit who my family is and not carry responsibility for the things they do or refuse to do. He said he feels badly for me that it is what it is, but that I am going to have to make a decision to rise above it so I am not vulnerable to them, or to being sad about what I don't have, today. He means I need to see things as they are, and stop taking responsibility for what my mom or my sister do.

That what they do is on them.

That I would be able to let go of the shame of it if I could see it like: "Oh. F you, then."

And just to think that, every time I think anything about them at all. D H said that if they change, I will know. And that until they do change, I need to think: "Oh. F you, then."

I am working to come to terms with the sadness about the way I go "automaton" with my Family of Origin. With that understanding that they scare me so much that I learned to protect myself just to be with them. That is why I would never confront little wrongnesses. (That look huge to someone who isn't me.) For whatever reason, my mom is into contempt in relationship to everyone she is in relationship with.

So my letter would be: "Oh. F you, then."

That will be what healthy looks like. When I can know that in my heart, I won't have to go automaton. That is why we are doing the hard work we are doing here on the FOO Chronicles. Not to heal or change them, but to come real ourselves. It's been scary, but we did that.

You are kinder about your family than I am, Serenity.

That would be my letter.

"Oh. F you, then."

And I wouldn't even sign it Love, Cedar.

Let them figure out who sent it.

Okay. So, I know that wouldn't be a right thing.

I would sign the letter, then.

:O)

When I am ready to send a letter? That's what it's going to say.

And I'm never going to be nice to them again.

Ever.

Cedar

I get it that I sound like a little kid.

I feel like a little kid when I think about what they've done.



So...if I send a letter? It will be Postage Due.

Vengeance is sweet.

 

[BusynMember]

Cedar, I can't think of what to write to her. It would be a bunch of questions that she can't and never would answer. Sort of a "Why, Mother?" letter. So I guess I'm not good at this either. Mayybe I should write everything down and then attach the letter to a helium balloon and send it, symbolically to her.

If I had ever written her a letter, and actually sent it, the letter would have become a family shrine as to how abusive I am.

 

[Copabanana]

I think I still feel I should have been able to do this better. I think that if I'd been stronger, I would have said so the minute things went wrong

Like the Isis hostages, Cedar?

I am not giving them the power to define anything about me in future.

Good move.

He said he feels badly for me that it is what it is, but that I am going to have to make a decision to rise above it so I am not vulnerable to them, or to being sad about what I don't have, today.

Do you agree with D H, Cedar?

He means I need to see things as they are, and stop taking responsibility for what my mom or my sister do.

And this, Cedar, do you agree with D H?

That what they do is on them.

And what do you think, Cedar?

With that understanding that they scare me so much that I learned to protect myself just to be with them. That is why I would never confront little wrongnesses. (That look huge to someone who isn't me.)

I for one can understand why you did not confront little or big wrongness, Cedar. The only time I did, ever, I got legal representation.

Kayla, the American Isis hostage that forcibly was taken as a wife by the ISIS commander could have confronted her abuser, too. She did not. Because she knew she would be killed. Do you judge her Cedar? She also had the opportunity to escape. She told her friend she was afraid to because she knew she would be beheaded, if found out. Do you judge her Cedar, as a coward, because she wanted to live?

If I had ever written her a letter, and actually sent it, the letter would have become a family shrine as to how abusive I am.

When I think of defending myself with my sister this would be the only result that could realistically be expected.

When I paid for an attorney to challenge my mother about the inheritance, and secured an small settlement for each of us, I asked my sister to help me with the legal costs. When I did so, she said I was abusing her...because she was under a great deal of stress in her job.

We know these people like a book. It is not irrationality or sensitivity or timidity that has motivated us to craft almost identical ways of responding to these people...it is because any other way to respond would have and would still generate a swift and killing answer by them. A completely disproportionate and killing response. A Donald Trump response. We would be half dead.

Why would any sane person go against people like this from a place of reciprocity and I and thou? Cedar, you say that it would have been better to have spoken out about small or big things to your mother...and brought the conflict out in the open before your dear daughter was harmed by sister. That made complete sense to me. Until I thought about it.

What really would have changed? Do you really think your sister would have resisted an opportunity, no matter how many times you had allowed your mother to attack you...(which is surely what she would have done) for setting limits...You would have been obliterated. Your sister still would have done whatever she wanted.

Cedar, there is no response. Not one, that will stop them. They do not listen or learn. They attack worse and worse and escalate more. Each time.

Each of us persists in believing if I woulda coulda done xx, or yy or zz, they would have acted better. And then, we repeat it, over and over again. Because the only real reason for speculating about xx, yy and zz is to punish ourselves.

Even if you had confronted them on the first xx, there is no guarantee that one or the other of them would not have gone after somebody even worse. They do what they want. Sometimes it is better to run for cover and stay out of their way.

Serenity, in some ways your mother is the easiest of the mothers because of how black-hearted she was. I am sorry to have to put that in writing, but it is true. She does not deserve a letter. She is best left where she is, in the past.

In the months we have been doing FOO, Serenity, you have changed. You show your sweet heart more, your defenses are less.

I believe this might be because you no longer fear the idea of having love for a mother able to love you which your mother could not. Because of her. Who she was. It had not one thing to do with you. You deserved a million per cent better. You deserved a mother like you are.

I hope the day comes very, very soon that we all accept that there is nothing left to do; there is nothing left we should do.... Because it was all determined by then. The only thing open to us is to move away. We have.

 

[BusynMember]

Serenity, in some ways your mother is the easiest of the mothers because of how black-hearted she was. I am sorry to have to put that in writing, but it is true. She does not deserve a letter. She is best left where she is, in the past.

Copa, in the "fight" for who had the meanest momther, your's is actually in my opinion the kindest, if that could describe her at all. I am impressed she did go to therapy to at least try to have a better relationship with her adult children. That took courage. She had to admit she wasn't right, at least not right all of the time. Even though it didn't change her, I give her a lot of credit for trying. I so wish my mother had gone to therapy with me. I am very open to a therapists suggestion, even if it means I'm the one who has to change. Sadly, my mother did not feel she had done anything wrong to anybody. That's the difference. Becasue she glorified my brother as if he were the Jewish Jesus and she was nice to my sister AFTER being abusive to her in her childhood, she thought it meant she was a good person and it was MY fault t hat she was so mean to me and s he got FOO to agree. Her attempt to destroy me in the eyes of my small family (only five of us) worked except in the case of my grandmother. So she turned them against me, but could not do the same to my family of choice. They would have laughed at her. But she did enough damage.

Copa, I don't know enough about Cedar's mom to judge her against mine.

But your mother certainly had more virtues than mine did. My father is also a bit of a "me" person (cough), but he has a heart and refuses to treat me differently (not better, not worse) than my siblings and I love him so much for this. The demolition derby on myself did not work with him either. Heck, he was trashed too. We have talked about it. Nothing will make him turn on me. That may not be enough of a reason to love a father to death for most peoplel, but to me it means the world. THEY CAN'T AFFECT HIM AND IT DRIVES CERTAIN PEOPLE NUTS! One has tried to turn him against me and it failed badly.

Oh, well. Tough on them.

So anyhow, thank you for your observation. If somebody thinks it is ok to destroy one child because s he did do it to t he other two (although she left deep scars on Sister from childhood), then she is not a person who is morally correct, in my book. Yes, I am judging her. No, I wasn't always nice to her either. Yes, I fought back to stick up for myself. But I shouldn''t have had to fight back, especially as a child and teen. She was the adult. I can not even imagine going at it with one of my children, even the oldest ones. It is screwed up, as SHE was screwed up.

Not until these FOO Chronicles have I been able to sort out the many feelings I have about various people in my FOO and I'm so grateful we are doing this. I see things so much more clearly now. I am getting so much validation outside of FOO that I am much empowered from the always-an-inner-child-woman who thought, "I am such a baaaaaad person."

Thanks to both of you.

I have work today. Will talk to you later Hugs to you both.